Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

Yeah i probably would. Same as I do with my 16 year old. Both of them just roll their eyes at me.

Why can't you believe that it's possible this comes from a good place from some people and the OP just wasn't sure how to take it.

Was it nice?

You are welcome to send him around to descale my shower head, kettle and other assorted things!

I'd have been bloody delighted that someone did jobs without me having to nag my partner or do it myself.

It's normal to offer to do jobs of you are practically minded, especially that generation. My dad always brings his tools!

@NotMeekNotObedient would you wash her underwear?

Definitely from a place of love. And if it isn't, do you care? It's one job you now don't have to do!

I love it when my MIL has my DDs. The dishwasher will be emptied/put on, clothes ironed etc if she can. She does this because she wants to help and understands the difficulties of working and rasing children.

This the part of the 'village' everyone wants. Take help where it's offered imo.

I don't take offence at her doing these things, but then her house is dirtier than mine 🙈.

I do remember when me and DH were first together and she let herself into our house and did all of our washing while we were away. I must admit, I was a little uneasy at her going though my dirty underwear essentially! 😂

When I got my first place, my dad came round and cleaned my kitchen and bathroom so thoroughly you could see your reflection in the draining board. When my cousin kicked out her ex, he offered to go and descale her taps. Its how he shows he cares. Bleach is his love language.

Think yourself lucky, my father looked after my dog in my home whilst I went on holiday for a week. When I got back, he had EMPLOYED someone to renovate the downstairs toilet, including replacing the sanitary ware, tiling, painting and replacing the flooring. Apparently he had booked them months ago when I first asked him to dog sit !

You would hate me and my DH then.
I regularly clean DD’s kitchen, hoover up, sort and put the washing on, clean the bathrooms, DH cuts the grass, does stuff like changing the smoke alarm battery. I even move furniture / ornaments around.
I painted the downstairs loo radiator yesterday, all without being asked! The horror! 😱
DD doesn’t mind ‘mess’ , but given that I’m there for at least 15 hours a week with DGS (before and after school) and I HATE mess, she lets me get on with it. I couldn’t sit and relax knowing the sink was full of dirty dishes, the washing baskets were overflowing, there were crumbs/mess all over the sides.
She thinks I do it for them, I actually do it for me.

I always thought her ex was the messy one but it’s just as bad now he’s not there🙄

My late FIL wins. He used to do my ironing wherever they visited! He liked to have something to do, and my PILs loved me, bless them.

When I knew they were coming down for the weekend, I'd deliberately save my ironing up for him! It made us both happy ❤️

@notacooldaddoes your DS have a partner?
Yes but she is seriously ill and has moved back home for her parents to care for her as ds works over 2 hours away. She comes home at weekends when ds is off work

But having low self-esteem, low self-worth doesn't mean that you shouldn't be empathetic towards other people.

You think he went looking? I'd rather have thought he was using the bathroom and noticed the showerhead needed some tlc.
Why assume the worst of someone who you've invited Into your home to do you a favour?

@notacooldad does your DS have a partner?

Just out of curiosity is it more that you take it as an insult (saying you're not good enough – rubbing salt on your insecurity) or is it the intrusiveness (doing things in your space – making you feel less private)?

I get not wanting them to do it, but your reaction of being infuriated strikes me as really emotional. I'd wager you're not alone in feeling that way though and there are others like you. So just wondering about the reasons.

But the OP also says she thinks the FIL can be superior and judgemental. If both DILs feel that you would think that it is more likely the FIL than them. And as I said if there are issues with one DIL would you not think to check with the other DIL, just to make sure it isn't you. Also first and foremost DIL's feelings come before FIL's in her own home.

I know it’s difficult and feels intrusive but he is just trying to help you.

My DP’s dad put a blue “pedestrian gate” sign on our side gate one day when we were out. We laughed our heads off at the thought of the general public thinking it was some kind of short cut…

He is not with us now, so we never had the heart to take it down.

I'd find that presumptuous and irritating, even if it came from a good place. The idea of someone roaming around my house looking for minor DIY projects would infuriate me (and my self-esteem is fine, I had an involved family, and I would find it the same regardless of who was doing the jobs.) Ask him to stop. Or, alternatively, if there are some jobs you would genuinely like him to do, ask him nicely to do those, and to confine himself to those.

I think in-law relationships are tricky and both side's issues feed into it. A few in laws on both sides have issues with my parents / my PILs, while others get on grandly with them.

We get on really well with both sets of parents, but that's probably because my DP is a lovely person who gets on with everyone. If just me, maybe I'd have found offense or offended them.

If you said 2 other DILs/SILs had issues, I'd agree that would be more of a definite sign, but OP doesn't sound like she had a normal upbringing (left to her own devices since she was 4) and who knows what the other DIL is like especially since BIL seems OK with the parents.

I've just arrived at ds house. I've put the washing in the machine and hooked the lounge!

I remember really struggling with PND and sleepless nights with DS when he was a tiny baby and DD was a toddler.

PIL came over "to help". They spent much of the day pruning the apple tree. What I really wanted was them to entertain DD so I could just feed DS and (try to) relax. They asked DD if she wanted to help them in the garden, she said no, so they got on with it, and I stayed inside with the DC.

In this instance it honestly felt worse than not having an offer of help, because pruning the apple tree would probably not have been on a list of jobs I was planning to do any time that year, let alone in the first few months with a new baby.

I get it too @rewarrrrd my own DM used to come over to "see the grandchildren", but instead of seeing them or spending time with them would do jobs around the house, and then complain to me that she never saw the grandchildren, even though I never asked her to do the jobs and even told her not to, to go and spend time with the children instead, and for what it's worth yes my mother does have classic NPD traits. It's exhausting, and we are now very very low contact.

That's why you didn't recognise it as love. You were not used to receiving this type of care. Enjoy it.

OP, when my Mum came to look after me after I had my first baby DH brought me home from hospital and my Mum. Was on her hands and knees scrubbing my kitchen floor. She wasn't judging me she was trying to get everything perfect for her daughter and dgd to come home too. I'd accept any help he offers gratefully and let his show his love for you all.