Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

"It's a shame that your insecurities etc made you look at this in such a sad negative light"

This is one of the most unhinged comments I've seen on Mumsnet in nearly 20 years of membership.

totally understand op

First reply nailed it 🙌🏻

Lots of people are saying this comes from a place of love. Yes, but respect is also quite vital and shouldn't be hard to add. It's respect for someone's space which may be not just your D Relative's (who does have a connection with the person doing the job or rolling their sleeves up to descale the shower), but perhaps their partner/ housemate/ family, so it's not just about how the DP(IL)s feel there. It's good manners to ask if you can help or if they would mind you doing X.

It feels a bit like serving up everything you've cooked on a plate or adding milk and sugar automatically to a hot drink if someone's visiting because it's all so extra nice - asking would be something that makes everyone happier and respects their preferences. Some space just is not for treating as your own or rearranging to someone else's taste.

DMil has, in the past, replaced a gate without asking or saying anything (I mentioned that we might be looking to do that, having moved), pulled up weeds, which were admittedly pretty bad but also had herbs among them, and various other things. Unfortunately it leads to being more protective of your space, not 'won over' to someone other than the homeowner being the only one who can really be trusted to do things to the standard they are expecting.

Honestly, my FIL will be up at 6am doing ‘pointless’ jobs- basically things I can totally live with (think painting our gate, cleaning the shed window, raking the lawn) but he does it to show he cares and is useful (his wife is the one who takes charge with the baby), it’s done with love and not judgement, his house is far from perfect - he’d paint our gate before his own!

He loves you all, he’s just trying to do grandad things to help.

OP, are you familiar with the 5 love languages? Worth looking it up. Sounds like your FIL is an Acts of Service chap...shows his love by doing things for you.

I wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The presumption here is that FIL is doing DIY as he is a man and childcare is something completely alien to him, and many posters say their dad/FIL is the same.

But hopefully gender roles aren’t quite so distinct going forward. DH is a very hands on dad and in fact DIY is completely alien to him (and me!). So if we ever become grandparents and visit DC, it will be very much with grandparent hat on and not disappearing to do DIY.

If you haven't had to work out why a seemingly kind act by another person has a negative effect on you, then you should count yourself lucky

I don't think the OP was not sure about how she felt either but she's softened now as some posters have basically told her she's making a fuss.

Only on MN 🙄

I’d see it as an act of love from him.

Be grateful. People helping you for free and without being coerced is really a blessing. And babysitting too!!

Since my mother died 20+ years ago, my father doesn’t care to visit/contact me and has met his grandchildren barely any times. In-laws are absolutely unhelpful. MIL acts like a fucking duchess and expects to be waited on. FIL was raised in the distant, polite, Prince Charles mode.

Please send your in-laws my way 😂

This reminds me of the grumpy father in Trying. He's a curmudgeonly old bastard but he communicates his love for his son and DIL by doing practical jobs for them, without being asked to, because he knows they are stressed about going through the adoption process and don't have much spare money. So he just looks around for something that needs doing and gets on with it.

If anyone hasn't seen that show by the way, then do watch it. It's just lovely.

Last time she visited she told me I am ‘too independent’… i’m 34 and married with a child, mortgage and career… I think it would be more of a problem if I wasn’t independent at this stage

YANBU I hate this too. My mum in particular is always fussing around doing / cleaning something and I see it as a criticism of my housekeeping (which it is, because I am not up to her standards and she has been vocal of this in the past). It means that I am on edge whenever they visit. She complains about not seeing her grandchild enough and then wastes her time dusting shit that doesn’t need dusting rather than enjoy the time with her

Oh how I wished I had loving in-laws ❤️ my fil only came and took my car in the middle of the night after I had left his son! It was my only means to get to work and drop our son off at school! It was my car which I bought but he still took it with my ex husbands spare keys!

I totally understand how you feel! I had a difficult upbringing and have found it very hard to accept help as an adult with my own home and children. My FIL is exactly like yours, he is always looking for little jobs (fixing hinges on cupboard doors, cleaning the BBQ, resealing the sink etc etc). At one stage I’d also have felt judged but with lots of therapy I can now embrace all of this as his way of showing that he loves us and trying to support us. I think the way you’ve been able to learn from other posters and change your opinion is amazing ❤️

Some people can't sit still and if they were both at yours babysitting it's likely that your MIL was in childcare mode and it was seen as "her job". It may even be the case that he was told to find something else to do. Which in his own house he could probably do in an instant, in yours he's potentially casting around to find some small jobs that will add value.

For many it's a sign of love and to be quite honest, unless he starts to completely overstep the mark without asking I'd take it as one rather than judgement. MIL does this sort of thing constantly in my house but totally oversteps on occasion. I've learned to let it go in the interests of family harmony and it's mostly well meant.

This, totally. I am touched that the OP has reframed, and it's also reminded me that my own DH is doing things out of love rather than because he fancies doing them, which I sometimes unjustly feel.

Send him my way. I’ve got lots of pointless jobs. I have to do it all myself

You’re definitely not a horrible person!

OP, I get it, I truly do. I have a FIL who can’t sit still.

For jobs like cleaning the bathroom - I try and just think he’s being kind and trying to help.

For jobs like putting up a shelf - I’ve had to tell him what the boundaries are and not to go ahead changing the structure of my house without asking 😂

But while I’m grateful for help, I didn’t ask for it and so it is annoying at times, especially if you’re not used to family just being all up in your space.

I'd ask him to do things you actually need done. So many men at a loose end when they retire. It's not really the worse thing in the world, is it, to have a handyman FIL? Perhaps if you ask him if he minds stripping wallpaper or repainting the entire stairwell it might knock the enthusiasm out of him!

I kind of get it, my DH’s family was like this. In fact when we had our first house in our early 20’s my DH’s grandmother picked up the keys from the estate agents for us as we were both working. When she handed them over to us she said she had got sets cut for the whole family and already distributed them for us! She also used to pop in when we were in work and do our laundry, tidying and cleaning unasked!

It really bothered me at the time as I found it judgemental and intrusive but it definitely came from a place of love. She has long since passed but now that I have a house full of teenagers and pets I’d give anything for that intrusion now!

@rewarrrrd unless there's a backstory take it as done out of love.
My dad can't cope with a day of cups of tea and playing with the kids. He'd never say he loves me, but shows it through actions. He's 76.
He would (and did) tow my car 300 miles to get it fixed, checks the tread on my car tires and gives me a nudge if they need fixing, helps the kids fix bikes etc, sharpens saw blades, cuts the lawn.....
I'm perfectly capable of doing most of the above and he knows it, but he also likes helping, is very practical and cant sit still doing nothing.
I need a job list to get him to stay more than a couple of nights!