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Original poster

Can a 5 year old be a bully

41 replies

Saycheeseburgers · 11/06/2024 09:11

I’m so worried that my 5 year old is a bully. He’s always been shy, reserved, but when he’s confident in the situation, he’s quite boisterous and lady (he has 2 older brothers).

I’ve been worrying about him at school as there’s been a few mentions from him about fighting and once or twice I’ve been pulled aside and told he’s fought with other boys (he’s not the instigator necessarily but not the victim either, sounds like they’re as bad as each other in the situations the teacher has told me about).

I had a chat with his teacher this morning as he’s strayed away from all of the nice boys he was friends with in nursery (they’re in the same class) and is always talking about two boys who he didn’t know before reception, and it sounds like they don’t play nicely together.

The teacher said the three boys are always together at break times and they wind up a boy from one of the other classes - I don’t know who. The teacher said it’s not one boy worse than the others, it’s a collective between the 3 of them. So I’m now so upset that he’s a bully.

My DS has said a few times that the 2 boys “annoy him”, so I’m often telling him to just play with others. He had a lovely firm friend from nursery who’s in the same class and a couple of other boys he seemed to like playing with, but although I’ve instigated a few play dates and he’s played well at them, he’s apparently drawn to these other 2 boys. I asked his teacher to please please keep encouraging other friendships, and she said they’re really trying but that the 3 boys are so drawn to each other.

My DS absolutely hates being told off or having serious chats, so DH and I are both going to sit him down and try and get to the bottom of it after school, but I’m so disappointed and gutted that he’s part of this little gang who by the sounds of it are picking on some other poor boy.

OP posts:
sandorschicken · 11/06/2024 10:10

My son was in reception when his classmates started with him. Name calling, hitting, nipping and taking his glasses off then stomping on them. The worst of it was when, knowing how much he loved building Lego, they would pretend to be friendly and ask to see his 'build', so he would show them and then they would break it up in front of him. So, yes, 5 year olds can be bullies. My 5 year old told me one night he didn't want to wake up in the morning. He never want back to that place again.

Original poster
Saycheeseburgers · 11/06/2024 10:07

Hatfullofwillow · 11/06/2024 09:58

Could it be he's drawn to the two boys as a way of avoiding them targeting him?

I don’t THINK so. I suspect he thinks one of the two is hilarious and wants to be his friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saycheeseburgers · 11/06/2024 10:07

Having never witnessed them together (I will not be encouraging play dates!) and DH saw them all at a party recently, it’s a funny situation as I don’t think DS is particularly fussed on one of the other two, I think he does quite like the other one but at parties he’ll play with loads of different DC.

The one he’s not fussed on has an older sibling with SEN who has annoyed DS at parties before (following him, poking him etc) and so I can see that the other little boy probably has this sort of behaviour happen to him at home, so you can see why it’s carrying on at school. But I just don’t understand why DS is in on it, as he isn’t fussed on that boy, only the other. The other 2 do seem to be big mates though and I think the parents are friends, so I suppose that might be how it’s come about.

When DS is with younger cousins for example, he’s very kind and often lets them beat him at games and races (whereas he has a tantrum is he loses to his older brothers!). So I don’t see that behaviour outside of school, he’s hot headed though so I can definitely imagine him lashing out at someone who pushes him first, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the situation. Without knowing who the other child is, it’s hard to say the reasons behind it.

I definitely don’t think DS has a dominant personality, if anything he’s the shyer type. Our house is very loud and boisterous though, I do feel especially my middle and younger DS’ can be feral when they’re together (not 1-2-1, they’re pretty great then), in all the ways you describe @LittleMG . I prefer to let them run off steam at home (my middle DS especially needs this) so if they’re playing boisterously I leave them to it.

OP posts:
Hatfullofwillow · 11/06/2024 09:58

Could it be he's drawn to the two boys as a way of avoiding them targeting him?

JazbayGrapes · 11/06/2024 09:57

Of course they can. And everyone hates to be told off. But you are doing the right thing correcting him.

ControlShiftDelete · 11/06/2024 09:56

I'm not so sure about this as I've witnessed most boys in ds's class who constantly wind each other up making silly remarks at pick ups and birthday parties which would be classed as bullying and I do correct them. Last year they were obsessed with the word poo calling each other poo. My ds was an only child until now and typical lockdown baby so wasn't really exposed to rough and tumble until nursery or nor does he come from a household where there is any abuse. Both husband and i are calm considerate people who try to teach the right things. I think my ds somehow finds it amusing and thinks that's the normal way to communicate by winding each other up. I'm also hoping he grows out of it. Btw I've also noticed girls like this as well so it's more of an age thing?

RedHelenB · 11/06/2024 09:53

He'll grow out of it. Try and praise more gentle behaviour when he's playing.

LittleMG · 11/06/2024 09:47

I think they can bully at that age, some kids just have that dominant personality and want to be in charge. I think I’d try and channel that type of behaviour into something else. I have two boys and at home we are very gentle I won’t ever tolerate play fighting, bashing toys, scaring birds and animals I think these types of behaviours encourage those bully instincts in some children. I’m lucky my oldest is very calm and kind and my youngest just copies him. Try sending him to some outside of school clubs like Scouts and something so he meets other children with different personalities?

PotOfViolas · 11/06/2024 09:44

Dd's bully started bullying her at age 5, so it's possible.

Original poster
Saycheeseburgers · 11/06/2024 09:42

whiteboardking · 11/06/2024 09:39

Some kids are desperate to be in control so show bully type behaviour

I think my DS is insecure and has been since he was tiny, he was always very clingy, still unsure in new situations where he doesn’t know anyone. So this does make sense, the power thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saycheeseburgers · 11/06/2024 09:40

My middle son has ADHD and I think he bullies my youngest. He winds him up just for a reaction. We discipline him all the time, he never gets away with it, but it doesn’t stop. My 5 year old has started doing it back, but to be honest a lot of it I do put down to typical sibling behaviour - repeating what the other is saying etc. It’s hard to know what is typical sibling behaviour because I know my sisters used to wind me up for the sake of it.

OP posts:
whiteboardking · 11/06/2024 09:39

Some kids are desperate to be in control so show bully type behaviour

Sallyh87 · 11/06/2024 09:26

I was bullied pretty badly when I was 5 (by other 5 year olds). Still remember it now, 30 years later. So yes they can be bullies.

However, the bullies all turned out fairly normally in later school years and life. So I don’t think it’s anything to be terribly concerned about. Other than making sure they know it’s wrong and have consequences etc.

fiskalulu · 11/06/2024 09:19

Yes they can. Two neighbour kids have shown signs of being bullies from age 5 and it's got worse now they're 8/9. However in both cases they are witnessing and experiencing bullying at home either by parents or siblings. How do your older DC treat their little brother? As he may be acting out how he is treated by bigger / stronger kids.

Original poster
Saycheeseburgers · 11/06/2024 09:18

I’m really trying to think about what consequence it needs to be as really I believe it needs to be immediate. I could suggest his teacher keeps him in from playtime, although I don’t think they do that in reception. I could say no TV after school but I’m not convinced it’s going to be effective as it’ll be so far removed from the incidences themselves.

OP posts:
Gingerbread34 · 11/06/2024 09:14

Yes 5 year olds can be bullies, but he's also still very little and you're doing the right thing by talking to him first. However, if it keeps happening, there needs to be consequences for his behaviour as he needs to know bullying is never okay.

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