16 year old son ignored my birthday

It was my birthday last week. Neither of my teens acknowledged it and neither of them got shouted it. This isn't about being a race to the bottom etc. But honestly, there are things to let go. This is one of them.

It was very rude of him to not say happy birthday or get you a card or box of chocolates but shouting and calling him horrible was not the way to go about it. Shouting will generally result in the other person being defensive rather than thinking about what they did. It would have been better to sit him down and gently tell him how it upset you that he didn’t acknowledge your birthday and ask how he’d feel if roles were reversed.

thank you! Some of the replies are acting as if OP expected a designer handbag, spa trip and day of worship. Saying happy birthday and making a cup of tea/buying a card is something an acquaintance or colleague might reasonably do, it's not excessive to expect of your closest family member who OP supports beyond the basic obligations of parenthood.

16 year olds can work full time, legally have their own child and join the army, yes they are young but infantilising them and making "It's their age" excuses doesn't help anyone.

Does he have access to his own money to buy a card / present? I mean yes even if not he could have said something and made a card but I do think teens are ridiculously self absorbed at that age.

Yes he forgot or chose not to celebrate it, you then had a tantrum and now are playing the martyr? sure yes you are now wondering why? is this normal behavour for you?

You over reacted in a nasty way. A better reaction might have been “I was a bit hurt that you didn’t acknowledge my birthday today”. FWIW neither of my now adult kids would have marked any birthdays without prompting from a parent. It’s just not that important to them!

We have all bollocked our kids when theyre being selfish, maybe not saying what OP did say but its done. Apologise OP for kicking off to your son, but also promptly tell him that he starts doing his own stuff from now on, you wont be taken for granted. He washes his clothes, gets his own food, cleans after himself, does everything for himself (he should be doing anyway but you know). You dont even need to make this a standoff, smile move on , do nothing for him. Itll register

Firstly is there another adult in the house? If not and it was just on him to remember the date then it's prob not a huge surprise.

His response when challenged sounds defensive and realising he has forgotten he is turning it on you. But there may be something in the way you went about it. I know you will have been upset but explaining how it made you feel rather than telling him he's horrible might have elicited a more conciliatory response.

And as others have said if he's mid-gcse then there's another layer of stress sitting on his shoulders.

Happy birthday OP. I hope your day gets better.

I can't imagine telling my child they are horrible for not marking my birthday. I can imagine asking if they've forgotten anything and telling them to bring me home some chocolate and insisting on a hug. Why did you react so badly, this isn't about your birthday, sounds like you are feeling wairn down generally.

I don't think you have any excuse to call him names.

Of course you shouldn't "forget" his birthday, you are an adult and he is a dc.

You should have told him you were hurt and left it.

I agree.

What an absurd, overindulgent view.

' I shouted at him and told him he was horrible '

You wouldn't be getting a birthday acknowledgment from me either, given your short temper and abusive words.

Poor boy probably just wanted to steer clear of you.

Is he in the middle of GCSEs?
is there another adult around who reminded him and he purposely didn’t mention it?
mine might not remember if I didn’t drop heavy hints (single parent) but I do because I know they’d feel bad about it if they did forget

Ignored, forgot and didn't realise are different things.

Did he really ignore?

And this is how we end up with selfish, self centred, brats. We really shouldn’t set the bar so low for our children if we want them to grow into functioning adults. It’s basic good manners to wish someone you live with a happy birthday. I’d be tempted to cut him some slack about the card and present if he’s mid GCSEs but a cup of tea and a happy birthday really shouldn’t be beyond the capability of a 16 year old.

You both sound incredibly childish. Maybe ‘doing absolutely everything for him’ has contributed massively to your relationship dynamic. It’s time to talk to your child like an adult.

Well clearly birthday is a big deal for you. It isn't for me, couldn't care less tbh. I hate getting rubbish presents that I never wanted.
So if it's important instead of telling him that he's horrible, explain how it makes you feel. Tell him what is important to you etc. But maybe next year remind him? Teens are inevitably self centred

But brace yourself because when he moves out in a few years he probably won't remember either.

Personally I prefer when they remember to clean up after themselves ! Better present than birthday!

16 year olds are wrapped up in their own world. What is he like normally? I have 4 children. One of them is very quiet, introverted, barely speaks to us anyway. I don't think he's wished me a happy birthday since he was about 3. It doesn't bother me.

The others do say it. Sometimes they'll produce a mug. The youngest will make a card (draw on piece of paper!) I don't ever expect a reaction from the eldest because he's not that type of person.

I think shouting at him was a bit much. You could have just told him you were disappointed.

I don't think you handled it well, OP. Tell him what your expectations are in advance. Does he have his GCSEs at the moment?

They are thoughtless and self absorbed at that age.

i’d leave it now. Hopefully he will feel shit & come up with a card and gift

i was so sure mine would forget that I bought and wrapped my own gifts from him, gave them to him, then banged on his door at 7am and told him it was my birthday and present opening time.

worked, he remembered from 18 on.

Following on from above …
Absolutely STOP doing “everything for him.”
This is not teaching him anything about real life.
You are setting him up to be a useless lazy entitled partner or husband. Start stepping back from some of the stuff you do for him. If he’s eventually going to Uni there’s no Mum there to do “absolutely every for him!”

Start today!

I’d forget his.

YANBU to be upset, but I don't think it's fair to hang what you do as a parent over his head for anything. You chose to be a parent, and what you do as one is what you should be doing. He shouldn't be made to feel like he owes you anything - not even birthday wishes - in return for you being a parent.

There isn't much you can do, but, what has happened in previous birthdays?