16 year old son ignored my birthday

The people in my life care about my birthday, as I do theirs. But on mumsnet lots of people are selfish and don't want to put in effort for anyone.

Boys and men are not into birthdays the way women are . They see birthday cards etc as a waste of money . I've seen them throw cards straight into a bin after opening them . Once when the staff went all out for a guys big birthday at work, he dumped all the cards in a dumpster at the back of the workplace on his way home . The op sons could have wished her a Happy Birthday 🎂. Now he has learned to keep her sweet and any other woman in his life is to be more thoughtful and put effort in .

@Naunet

I probably sound rich but I'm not. I grew up in one of the most deprived areas in the UK and we were poor.

I still live here but my dds have definitely had a better life than me

I can absolutely understand you’re hurt but your reaction (along with many others on here) was over the top. Teenagers are thoughtless at times, it’s not ok but that’s part of the parenting umbrella. Both to grit your teeth through these years and to model better behaviour. You needed to talk to him about how hurtful it is not to acknowledge loved ones birthdays, and if he did this to a partner/spouse in future then they would be wondering what kind of inconsiderate arse they were living with. That as his mum you can put it aside this year but in future, he needs to consider people beyond himself.

I think you need to apologise for shouting (especially if he’s in the middle of his GCSEs!) but also would like an apology in return. Then move on.

Two ends of the spectrum I guess!! I’m not judging by the way, I’m just a little bit fascinated by how different some peoples childhoods are.

Of course you were hurt. But I'm not sure how shouting at him and calling him horrible was going to help.

A quiet word telling him how hurt you are would have been a lot harder for him to react as negatively to, and you might actually have been able to communicate.

At 16 it wasn't my responsibility to get my parents gifts or cards.

Well whose was it? Don't you think that's a bit - pathetic? Immature?

My DC has been "working" (paper round, helping a family friend in his business in the holidays, and also saving pocket money) since 13 and enjoys getting us a small surprise gift and card.

16 is old enough to organise something!

My thoughts are if you’re waiting for your dc to express gratitude for the sacrifices you’ve made for them then you’ll be waiting a very long time

Forget it, he's 16. Your birthday isnt important to him, just accept that.

You have a discussion with him later - not before an exam if he’s in Y 11.

Teenagers ate thoughtless amd self absorbed. But if my mum had told me I was horrible they'd never get a present again

Its exam time. Yes he should have been more thoughtful but he wasn't. He fucked up. He knows that.

You are the adult he is the child.

Calmly sit and apologise for shouting. Just explain you were hurt but you understand he has a lot going on and its important to remind people how much you love each other. A birthday present is just one way of showing that but a hug and a cup of tea is another. So start there

You’re being a child. Other people don’t care about your birthday and you can’t make them.

Did he definitely know it is your birthday? Do you have a calendar visible with birthdays listed? I'm guessing you're a single parent so no-one else on the scene to gently remind him? Before a birthday here we are usually talking for a week or so before about what take away or meal we want for it. Its a gentle reminder for everyone it's coming up as well then.

As a PP said, does he have his own money and chance to go shopping alone? At 16 I brought all my cards when I went shopping with my Mum and my dad would give me money for a present if we were going shopping or would order it for me. I didn't have friends who went to town and I wasn't confident to go alone.

He will be aware you have a birthday and the general time of year but it doesn't mean he remembers the exact date, perhaps he had a present and hoped you'd hint when exactly but he sure as Hell won't give it you now you've shouted at him and acted like a child

Shouting at him and calling him horrible was childish tbh. He's got exams atm. Now he'll have gone into his exams today under a cloud and have lost his focus. Well done.

When he comes home, give him a big hug (if he'll let you!) and apologise for shouting and explain you were hurt by his actions then discuss what special take away you want.

Don't punish a child by cutting them off. I suspect "everything" doesn't mean he doesn't do anything, more you getting at the years of work you've done. He should be doing some chores but he is still a child too and needs a supportive parent.

Definitely do NOT "forget" his birthday or you'll only make it worse

Agree there's a big difference between forgetting and not bothering.
I don't entirely accept that being a teen is a get out of jail free card for being thoughtless and selfish. Wishing mum a happy birthday is not that onerous a task. But if he did just completely forget the date, I'd not be cross about that

You cannot force it to be important to others though. Throwing a tantrum just makes people do things out of duty and obligation, not because they actually want to.

That’s not how student loans worked 20 years ago. The student loan then wasn’t dependant on parental contributions like it is now, parental contributions weren’t mandated. Loans were a set amount and you could apply for a means tested grant along side it. I’m guessing dad sent them extra money (I think my Grandad gave me something like £120 a month and with the loan this was plenty to live on, although I liked money so I also had a part time job).

I’m on the fence here. I can see Dad’s point! Maybe there is no back story, I knew people at uni, and indeed now in my 40s, who saw nrp purely in financial terms and cut off their parents over lesser misdemeanours. They were old enough to buy a token gift and recognise that not doing so would upset their parent.

I’ve bought my own birthday presents for friends and family since year 7. I knew when their birthdays were. They have smart phones now to set reminders. It’s not hard.

@Em2024 -
All the shouting and calling him horrible was a mistake.

But. A big part of parenting is teaching kids how to interact with others and live happily in society and how to build good relationships. Acknowledging special days is all part of that. And men are very often incredibly bad at that. So tell him you were disappointed and sad and that's how other people would feel too and how he behaves affects other people. Show him how to be a good, caring man.

Don't ignore his birthday. Tit for tat never works.

According to you maybe. I love my birthday and it is important to me.

This.
Even if he has no money.. he could have said happy birthday mum, I haven't got any money but....made her a cuppa/breakfast

He’s a teenage boy. You need to get over yourself, your birthday isn’t that important.

He's 16 - is he in the middle of his GCSE's?

You shouted at him and told him he was horrible.

I consider your behaviour far worse than his. You're an adult, his parent - improve your behaviour before you start criticising his.

@Naunet well I wasn't working. I was still at school. My parents got each other gifts/cards and we signed them.

I started working at 18 (partime) I'm pretty sure I bought gifts from then.

We gave our dds money to get gifts until they finished uni 😀

At 16 years old you didn’t have the responsibility to buy your parents a birthday card?! I’m a bit staggered by that, I was living on my own, working full time and paying bills at 16 (which I know is also unusual)!

I have said it before, sometimes teenagers need to slapped in the face with a wet fish.

He might not like the idea but basic respect for his parents includes acknowledgement of birthdays, Christmas etc.

The Star Trekkin’ song has the line “Ye canna change the laws of physics”.

Newton’s Third Law is “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

and no DS ever lives in a vacuum.

Your DH is extremely immature for that and it's his own fault his DC are NC.