AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

I haven't voted because I think you both sound like you are being a bit unreasonable. She shouldn't be constantly criticising what you do. But you shouldn't be being quite so precious about trying to everything for the baby (I mean, not letting her change a nappy?!). I'm sure some of what you see as criticism is just advice based on what she learnt with babies.

Anyway, she wants to go home early, and you are annoyed with her. So I don't see the issue. Let her go. And maybe, with a bit of time and space, you will see you are being a bit precious over some things.

Lucky you that you didn't need the extra help

I would have loved it.. I could barely walk when I got home even after 10 days in hospital. I need pillows to sit on and one to support the baby when I fed. DH went back to work after a week. Sadly no mum or other family support. Luckily I had great friends who helped when I had DC2

What's wrong with having help anyway? It's not a sign of weakness and it's pretty usual in many cultures

She sounds more like she just needs some space to be alone with baby. It's not normal to constantly have someone telling you how to do things whilst trying to get to know your newborn. If she's physically able to then it's completely normal to want to he doing as much as possible in the early weeks.

It's more an indication of PND when a mum is detached from a newborn and trying to hand it over to people as much as possible etc.

You need time to bond with the baby.
Thank your mum for everything she's done, agree that it's probably best if you cut the visit short and apologise for being hormonal and reiterate that you love and appreciate your mum but need some space from everyone for a bit to bond with baby.

Is your baby ill or are you suffering with anxiety? I think that’s relevant to the dynamic with your mum.

Fairly sure cooking and cleaning etc is helping...

OP sounds like she actually has PND of some sort, absolutely insisting she does everything and has to e a certain way etc. she doesn't have to do every feed, every change, every bath etc. that's what dad is for (and granny) to give OP about if a break and time to rest and recover.

@sonta8 to be honest, I have never understood the need to have a mother or mother in law there to help! start as you mean to go on. i was sent home on the saturday afternoon and my hubby returned to work full time on the monday morning. i coped. so what if he had to make the evening meal because i was feeding. it is a partnership with your hubby or partner, absolutely no one else needs to be involved.

Supposed to be there to help???

What entitled bollocks is this?

She’s not your fucking maid so stop treating her like one!

Congratulations! I understand you wanting to feed your baby yourself but couldn't she at least change the nappy sometimes?

And whilst again you want to hold on to the baby, does she get some time with him? When you're having a bath or a nap?

Is there any way you can give a little?

I imagine your mum came to help with the baby, not to be your unpaid housekeeper.

You don't have to let her hold, change, cuddle, feed the baby etc if you don't want to, but equally it's quite reasonable for her to prefer to go home than skivvy for you. I expect her main motivation for coming was to get to know her new grandchild, not to do someone else's chores!

FFS she's her mum / the child's nan, not a hired skivvy. It says in the first post her mum travelled to stay there, it's not like she can just go home then come back in whenever the op feels like it.

Also "needing to do everything and things being done a certain way" will run the op into the ground before long even if she doesn't realise it.

This is very much a PFB (Precious First Born) thing. You do not need to do everything for your child, the more people that love and care for them the better. If you have no concerns over your mother's ability to care for your baby then let her change some nappys. Let her give a bottle of you are formula feeding. Let her give baby a bath and take for a walk around the block. By all means don't let her take over but do share the load. If your baby has significant issues as suggested by several A&E trips already then having someone there from the start to learn how to care for your child properly and invaluable if you ever need respite in the months and tears to come.

Take the opportunity to get some rest as giving birth is hard on you too. In yesteryear you would have been kept in hospital for a few weeks and nurses would have looked after your baby so that you could recover so try and strike a middle ground

Do everything your way and only ever allow your Mother to wash the dirty pots. But remember this when you need childcare.

Multiple A&E trips for a newborn is a lot. That does suggest you need support. So the question is will you compromise on what it means to get it?

The way I see it, she’s come to help and so let her. Let her change the nappies, change baby. Let her hold whilst you get some sleep. You’ll change many many more nappies and having an opportunity to physically recovery whilst also getting rest is priceless after a birth.

You’re being a bit selfish OP. Baby will be tiny for such a short time and you can’t let her do the odd bottle or nappy? Just occasionally when you know it means a lot to her? And just expect her to do the bits you don’t want to do?
Are you pushing the baby’s dad out of the picture in equal measure?

Your mother did raise you so maybe how she does things isn't how you want to do things, this doesn't mean either of you are right so long as it's safe for the baby who cares.

You have the right to do it your way but refusing to let your mother ever feed the baby (assuming you are bottle feeding.yourself. if bf, then of course doing a bottle just so someone else can feed is entirely up to you) or let her change thr baby is ridiculous. And babied love cuddles for sleeping at this age so why ot let her have baby for that sometimes while you nap or whatever.

what has been the problem that you have had to go to a&e such a lot? That sounds scary so I can imagine you are more sensitive but it feels to me like another reason to let your mother in. I was sent to a&email when ds was 6 weeks and it was my mother who was my.main support thay day. I was so grateful.

But it's up to you so tell her thank you for her help and you will see her soon.

Be grateful some of us got zero help from anyone.

Thank your mum for all her help. I dont know why she couldnt change the odd nappy though and you hogging the baby is odd. Yet she cooked, cleaned and minded him when it suited you.

Yes she has an opinion but you are not listening to her are you? You think you know what's best, but do you? You might learn a little if you listened.

Sorry YABU and selfish.

Congrats on your baby op.

3 weeks is a long time to help with the cooking and so on. How long was she supposed to stay? Perhaps it’s time for her to go and you can establish your own routines.

natural I think to be a bit sensitive and emotional with the lack of sleep and hormones. If she’s actually interfering and pressuring you to take her advice then time to go I think. However she it’s a bit sad she’s not getting much time with the baby - I understand about feeding but surely she can cuddle him and so on.

But also she’s the Grandma. It’s the most natural thing in the world for her to want to cuddle her new grandson. Babies are only newborns for a very short time. Like I said I was quite precious about my PFB but I just cannot imagine not having let all our visitors (including MIL who came to stay to help) give her loads and loads of cuddles because it’s just such a lovely thing to do!

Wanting to spend time aand interact with your grandchild is hardly an 'attached string' for all the cooking, cleaning and being their for your daughter

Harsh

Yes because she's supposed to be there to help. It's not supposed to be about her. If she doesn't want to help she should leave and come back when guests are more appropriate and the Op wants them.

New DGM here 🙋 1st dgc born 4 weeks ago.
From your Dm's pov it's a very difficult position to be in with a very fine line to walk.
Your DM will be so excited to be part of your new family, she obviously loves you very much to give up three weeks to support you and you must have a close relationship to allow DM to spend the first three weeks together.
My DD lives locally, I've been very conscious of not stepping over her boundaries but it's very difficult.
I have a lot of (probably unwanted) advice I could give, I practically have to bite my tongue to stop myself from irritating her.
I don't see dgc every day, I let DD lead on that.
DD doesn't want or need any help and her DH has extended leave from work but all I want to do is to help and have cuddles.
I keep telling myself it's not my baby.
If I were staying with DD like your DM I'd probably be acting the same.
Time for your DM to go home, I think.
"DM I love you and can't thank you enough for all your help, if you want to go home, don't worry about us but know that we really appreciate everything you've done"
As a new parent you need some space to bond and just get used to being a family, sounds to me like your doing a grand job.
Good luck ❤️

I think it’s time for your mum to go if you’re getting snappy with each other - that’s not helping anyone.

However, this - Tbh I have been hogging the baby - I want to feed him and change him. I feel this need to make sure I do everything for him. And we want things to be a certain way.
Dont go down that road. I was a bit like that with my first (less extreme thought) and I regret it. You will get yourself into a state over things that really don’t matter.

She probably envisaged herself cuddling the babu and changing it whole you looked on smiling adoringly at them both. The reality seems that she's been putting out the bins and cleaning up the house without any reward of actual time with the baby. She isn't wrong but neither are you post partum things are so hard, with your recovery a new responsibility and hormones. Could you tell her you can manage now or concede yo let her do a bit of direct baby care?