AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

I have absolutely no problem helping a new mum out and it’s the norm in my circle, so yes if “staff” is what you call your average friend or family member, you can.

do you struggle to help people when they need it?

I think that this is one of those situations where you are both reasonable and it’s probably a good idea that she leaves early for the sake of your relationship with her.

I understand why you want to hog the baby but I understand why your mum hoped that being at your house meant that she’d get more than a few minutes a day with baby when you were in the shower too. I understand why you’re annoyed about her commentary of what you’ve done wrong but she’s your mum so probably feels that it’s ok to tell you that. You know your mum - is she the type to keep her opinions to herself ?

You’re very lucky to have had 3 weeks of support like meals. I understand that you could have done without the criticism but living with your mum for that long was inevitably going to end up with some tension imo- especially if she’s the type who normally sulks or is vocal about not getting her own way.

Thank your mum for her help and let her change a nappy or something before she goes. As she’s staying with you, I assume that she’s not local so you’ll be free of her for a few weeks until you meet again. Hopefully by then you’ll be more comfortable with letting her cuddle and take care of baby more.

Fucking hell, well, you just can't get the staff these days, can you?

Yes.

And that is how EVERYONE should behave with very new mothers.

Could you perhaps have a chat with your mum so you get on the same page with what kind of support you need? Her idea is different to yours and to clear that just talk.
My mum was there for 2 months and my both parents for 2 weeks so I know it can be challenging but looking back at that time now 2 years later I have fond memories and I am so grateful for her having being there to help and support.

I had to sit my mother and husband down day 2 and be quite blunt about them telling me endlessly to feed the baby when my milk hadn’t come in. They both apologised! Think how you want it to be @sonta8 and just ask politely for a change or manoeuvre one. Try to let everyone be happy but not at your expense.

So you don’t want her to be upset and off with you but are you willing to do something about it? A little compromise is all it would take. And that is totally on you.

So, was she just meant to come around and play the house elf and resign herself to the background until you took a shower?

You really do. Jaundice can kill, babies have to have blood transfusions if it is serious enough and not treated

I think get dh to buy a treat meal to say thank you for coming and let her go home. What about inviting her back in a few weeks so it ends nicely? It’s ok. You don’t need to fall out just change the set up.

Also no such thing as hogging the baby.

My baby is 8mo, is exclusively breastfed and never had a bottle.

One thing that’s advised if you are wanting to breastfed is to spend as much time as possible with the baby.

Honestly wave goodbye to your mum. Doesn’t like anyone is benefiting from her being there.

My mother can be difficult but having her around for the first 2 weeks when DC1 was born was a godsend. She did helpful stuff like cooking and washing, but she also did all the nappy changes, supported my breastfeeding and held the baby so I could eat.

mostly, she just knew stuff! She knew about the umbilical cord, she knew to reassure me that babies do indeed just cry sometimes and need soothing (nothing has to be wrong)

I see why you want the baby to yourself but your mother sounds helpful and I would throw her a bone and let her have some cuddles. Surely you also need a break to use loo/shower etc?

I would like to know this too. I know many people can be a bit precious about their first baby but I think even you know you are going over the top as you said yourself that you are hogging the baby.

Your very lucky to have a mum that has helped for 3 weeks.
But it's now time for you to crack on with it your baby is yours and your partners responsibility for the next 18 years not your mum's.
You mum as done her bit and it time for her to relax.
Your a parent now you have to do your own house work and cooking cleaning etc it's not down to your mum to do it or run about for you.
You had a child like a lot of other people have but dont expect others to do what you should be doing.
Yabu.

OP maybe it’s time to thank your mum for her help and support her decision to leave.

Sounds like you and your DH are coping well and she’s bit of a spare part.

Having my mum over for an afternoon a week in the early days was more than enough.

I am a grandmother. When my DDs had their babies I saw my role as taking some of the household load off them so they and their partners could concentrate on the baby. I was not there to muscle in and take over with the baby - I was there to do the donkey work and I was happy to do it.

Time she went home??

I can’t believe you’ve had such an awful rant at a PP first time mother the dared called her ‘mean’ because her mums cooking some meals or doing the laundry. Which she only seems to be doing so she can be paid in taking over the new mum’s role which is a huge learning curve (especially establishing breastfeeding). Her mum overstepped the boundaries from day one of expectation. The baby is her daughter’s, the baby still thinks they’re a part of their mother. To take over that is ‘mean’ to both mum and baby.

When you say us, are you referring to yourself + the baby's dad?

If so, then of course your mum was expecting at least some quality time with the baby - she shouldn't need to skivvy after two grown adults, newborn or not, for 3 bloody weeks straight.

You do realise that before proper paternity leave, babies would get taken home a day or two after birth and immediately dragged on the school runs and errands, plonked in the moses while mum does the housework etc, right?

It's probably for the best that your mum leaves, so that you can get used to being parents without someone running round after you doing the bits you don't like.

You don’t take your baby to a&e with jaundice or diarrhoea, you call your gp or community midwife that you should still be in contact with. You sound like you’ve got post natal anxiety and you can’t expect your mum to be taking on the burden of household shit while you sit there nursing the baby. It’s mean. Personally I would be grateful for her help

To be fair op this will pass I went a bit of a loon twice when my two were first born I hated anyone else holding them they were mine and I was over protective of them etc.
It does pass and then you are more than happy to have family hold them whilst you get five mins to yourself or you are able to have something to eat whilst someone else keeps them occupied.

Just take each day as it comes you are adjusting to motherhood and looking after your baby.
Your mum will get her cuddles soon.

A newborn baby needs its mum more than anything. You’re not hogging your own child, this is the 4th trimester where it’s completely natural for the baby to be close to you at all times. People tend to forget that a newborn isn’t an object to be passed around because it’s cute and tiny, they’re still cuddly at 3 months plus. But other than that your mum isn’t a housekeeper and it may be time to remember that.

Has the baby really needed to go to A&E multiple times in the few weeks since they've been born or are you suffering from anxiety? Because the way you talk about needing to do everything for the baby sounds like you may need some support for yourself.