AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

I think it’s a good time for her to leave anyway, no-one is being unreasonable but it seems counterproductive as you both have different expectations.

You would be being unreasonable if you expect her to stay longer without any compromise on your part.

If she is hovering and criticising then best she goes home early. Thank her for her help but tell her you can manage ok. If she has to travel does that mean it may be a while before her next visit? 3 weeks is a long time so I would make future visits much shorter.

As a mother and grandma I totally agree with you, support in the early days should be about supporting the new mother, doing the cooking, cleaning etc so she can focus on her new baby. It’s perfectly natural that you want to cuddle and care for your baby mainly just yourself at this stage, that’s how it felt with all my newborns

Completely reasonable to want to establish your own way of doing things. It sounds like maybe you need a break from one another - but you may be grateful for your mum being willing to help in the future, this is a long road! Depending on how far away she is, could you arrange for her to come back in a month or so? Perhaps do an 'it's not you, it's me, I feel I need to find my feet a bit' - not that you should put up with things like constant criticism, but to part on good terms (and so she might want to come back when you have a rambunctious toddler and want to shower on your own...)

ABSOLUTELY NOT! This is your bonding time and not your mother's. It if fully appreciated what your mum is doing for you but she is crowding.

imo she should be there to cook clean do laundry and field visitors. She is not there for child related things and I can’t abide anyone even touching my baby never mind changing or feeding them!!!! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a mum being the primary care giver.
i can’t imagine giving this drama to my daughter or daughter in law when they give birth, I will absolutely be invisible and helping in all physical respects so they can focus on themselves and baby.

I’m not clear whether you want her to leave or not? If you do, then thank her for her help and be glad of the space. If you don’t want her to go, then you need to consider a little give and take- you can’t always have everything 100% your own way- but perhaps talk to her about the advice/commentary and how it makes you feel? See if you can find a bit more common ground.

Did you ask/want her to come in the first place? If you would rather she had not come, then I can understand the irritation. However, if you asked/gratefully accepted the offer, then I think you are being more unreasonable.

I think your mum could be more tactful with her advice, as a constant commentary is a bit insensitive. If this is not typical of her, perhaps she is a bit worried about you/how you are coping, but not communicating it very well?

I think you can’t really expect her to do all the skivvying after you for weeks on end, and genuinely have no expectations/hopes of her own as to spending time with her new grandson. I understand you want to spend time with your son but I’m fairly sure the odd cuddle when it’s not just for your benefit (e.g. to give you time to shower) won’t cause any harm to you/your son or your bond. The way your post reads is that she should be grateful to run around after you and should expect or wish for nothing as it’s all about you and your wants.

I suspect the right/wrong is probably somewhere in the middle between the two of you. Perhaps she could be more understanding of the way you want things and just go with it, perhaps you could be less rigid and more generous towards your mother.

I think you might look back on this and think perhaps you could have handled this with a bit more grace. She may look back and think the same.

Yeah, OP, in future if you have concerns about your baby run it past upinthenightagain first because she clearly knows more about your baby and his health than you do.

OP, I feel for you. One of the reasons I love my mil so much is she came and stayed with me for 2 weeks after a very difficult birth. She did whatever I wanted her to do, never offered any advice really, just told me I was a wonderful mother, would appear after a nightfeed and say "would you like me to get him back to sleep for you?" She was so kind and helpful without interfering at all. Actually it was good to be reminded of this as she is driving me crazy right now!

I'd sit down with your mum and tell her how grateful you both are for all her help, tell her this was a very special time having her with you, tell her you understand if she needs to go home as she has done loads for her. Then tell her you hope she understands if you don't do everything the way she did/advises because every new mother has to forge her own way, right.

I'd really try not to fall out even a little bit over this.

This - would it harm you to let her feed/change baby once or twice a day?

I didn’t want my mum in with me when I had my boys as i personally think that is a you and your partner type event, everyone is different. I also didn’t want anyone to disturb us for the first week home either. Kept everyone at arms length so we could bond as our own family. I had C-section births and DH was only off for two weeks paternity, I didn’t want his short time with us interrupted and he wanted to be fully available to help support me and get into a routine without anyone else hovering around. We obviously kept in touch with people but we knew how overwhelming and overbearing it would be as we knew our families and what they would be like, we didn’t want that and wanted space. Our boundaries were respected and it made for a stress free start.

How is your post relevant?

It's a discussion forum. The OP doesn't get to control the topics that can be discussed.

After your update op, I think it’s time for her to go home now. As new parents you don’t need someone hovering around you criticising your parenting. Three weeks on you need to find your own feet as a new family.
I’d let her know how much you’ve appreciated her help but it’s time for just you as a family of three to bond now.

Why is this relevant to the ops request for advice?

I didn't have family to support me other than DH. I survived. Of course you want to "hog" YOUR baby! It's lovely that she wants to help but I don't think it's unreasonable if you want to do changing and feeding yourself - or letting DH do it. If you were exhausted and needing sleep - that's when she could be helping out. Otherwise I think her role should be more about the cooking and cleaning so you can focus on your baby.

I said YANBU but it's a fag paper between me saying YABU. I don't know how far your DM travelled to support you but I know I didn't have any support when I had my babies from my own, and it's testament to how much she cares. Sure she's going to get on your nerves, you're all exhausted and in a totally new situation. However, as I was in her position a couple of years ago I know you can't get it right for getting it wrong. One daughter wanted me in birthing room (unexpectedly!) the second daughter didn't want me anywhere near (this partly due to her partner) but I dropped everything to look after their dogs etc, cleaned, got food in, did laundry to help (did ask first) when she was in labour. Was it appreciated? Err no. I didn't want one daughter to feel she got less attention but I was made to feel like I'd committed a crime. Still the same unless I'm paying for something. We're not professionals not servants. Just mothers who want to be there for our children, grandchildren. I'm sure it will settle itself in time and congrats on your new baby.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable. This is your recovery period and the ONLY person who knows what help and support you need is you!

I would say to her, "Mum I understand you are excited to be a grandparent but I have waited for 9 months to meet my baby so I want to bond with my child and perform parenting duties myself - I don't need anyone to feed my baby, do diaper changes bath times or put my baby to bed. I want to do those things for my own child because that's a parents job. I appreciate when you had kids that others may have done this things for you but I don't want to do things the same way. You're here because you wanted to help and that's not helpful to me. What would be helpful is helping me with the house or meals so I can bond with my child. You can absolutely hold your grandchild sometimes but right now the priority is the mother/baby bond. I'm sorry if this doesn't match with your expectations and if you choose to leave, that's up to you but I need to make my own decisions for my own child"

I did have it and can confirm it is double edged

if you can clear the air - do.

my mum enjoyed being in charge of things so she did all food and washed the bottles did our clothes etc

I will say I do think it would not hurt to let her do a feed or change a few nappies.
use it to rest more. I didn’t and it was a huge mistake.

I would have been ashamed of asking my mother to keep house for me for 3 weeks, with my husband at home too, with what sounds like bugger all gratitude.

This is one of those threads where people have taken the original post and ran with their own story. The op has said her mother decided to stay longer, that she has no issue with her mum leaving she just doesn’t want it under a dark cloud. She’s also said she’s grateful for what her mum has done and has had no issue with her mum having cuddles with the baby - it’s simply the op has wanted to establish feeding herself (which isn’t just normal with a newborn, it’s the absolute right thing to do). So what exactly is your gripe with the op?

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It's almost as if every woman's experience of giving birth and the newborn phase is different

Oh stop it, @llamajohn.

OP’’s experience sounds pretty run of the mill. Her husband is at home with her. Why they need grannie to cook and clean for 3 weeks - whilst being resented for wanting to give the baby the odd bottle, how very dare she? - is really beyond me.

I would have been ashamed of asking my mother to keep house for me for 3 weeks, with my husband at home too, with what sounds like bugger all gratitude.

Honestly I wouldn't expect to cook & clean if my daughter had a partner.

If I chose to that's something.

But I would probably be more expecting to hold/watch baby so that my daughter could shower/sleep.

She’s probably trying and you should be grateful. I got exactly 0 hours of help from family when I had my baby and having somebody cook meals would have been amazing. Imagine having nobody!

She is the only important person in the world to a newborn. It’s quite the opposite issue, once a baby is born most people forget the mum is a person in her own right, who’s just been through one (if not the most) emotionally, mentally and physically draining event a human can go through. And at the end of it she has a tiny baby who takes weeks to understand that they are not separate entities - it’s painful for a mother and newborn to be away from each other. So yes, either suck up being her helper for a few weeks until she’s comfortable to sharing her baby with you some more, or stay away until you learn what is natural and not just simply expected to human socio norms.

My lb is 4 months old.
Only my partner and myself have changed his nappy or given him his milk. I do the majority and my partner steps in when needed.
If my lb is ever upset when out, he is handed back to one of us which normally settles him.
You do what you want. They are only small for a short time.

Yup, here we go. Once a woman has a baby she is the most important person in the world and everyone else is just an accessory to be treated as she wants. When did we get so selfish?

Tbh I have been hogging the baby

He's three weeks old-you're supposed to!

I would let her go.

Of course you will manage-you are two adults & have one baby!

Obviously she was excited to be there asap but I think this is sometimes why it doesn't always work.

New parents want to be doing things themselves & working it out.

I do hope your husband has been stepping up with the cleaning & cooking though & not letting your mum do it all.