AIBU with my mum on what kind of support I need with early parenting?

Post partum emotions are so hard. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. And please don’t move your boundaries on anything important to you. I agree that she is only Trying to help and bond with the baby. But I remember saying to my mother in law when my daughter was tiny, she isn’t going anywhere. And that still stands. My mother in laws bond with my daughter is not down to her feeding her as a newborn…she never fed her because I bf.

Neither of you are wrong or unreasonable. Probably best she went home though as neither of you will bend on your feelings so just have a break and things will differ when you’re ready to ‘share’ him a little more (perfectly understandable you don’t want too as well).

Your mother is ready to go home because she is probable tired.

Had the same situation after my first child’s birth. Except it was my mother in law. She complained to my husband about the situation and I found her sense of entitlement outrageous. I had never asked for her help in the first place and ended up finding her presence very intrusive.

Op, all it takes is to make her feel valued, part of the family and not the hired help, there to do the drudge work. She matters too.

This would have been my dream. I got no support from anyone. Enjoy it while you can. Apologise and ask her to come back, or send her round to mine :) seriously I know you want to do things and thats perfectly normal but please just enjoy the help it only gets harder x

While it sounds great to get an extra pair of hands or does sound like you’re stepping on eaxh others toes and you’d probably find a bit more of a smoother routine with your baby if your mum went home as I feel her moving in with you is a bit much but that could just be me i would honestly hate this haha. I can’t remember if you mentioned a partner but I actually found once my partner went to work that’s when I found my own rhythm and confidence with my day to day and worked out nap schedules etc

For goodness sake let your mum change a bloody nappy and give him a bottle (of course if your are breastfeeding and don’t want to introduce bottles then don’t, but maybe let her wind him) she has come to help you and presumably bond with her grandchild, a few nappies, getting him dressed etc won’t kill you. You will have YEARs of nappies ahead of you and trust me the novelty will wear off and you will wish you had someone to do them for you!

If she leaves, please, please make sure she knows that her three weeks of doing the drudge work was appreciated, and that you love her.

I don't think you (or some others on this thread) have any idea what a huge emotional thing it is to become a grandparent. To have your baby have her own baby. Why should you know? I didn't until it happened to me. It was mind-blowing. The closest thing to the feelings I had when my two were born.

Of course she's not the most important person in this scenario. But her feelings do matter. She will have been desperate to hold and help this tiny baby who carries her genes. She's instinctively primed to, just as you are primed to have your maternal instincts.

We grandmothers have to hold those feelings back. To focus on our daughters. But those feelings are still there, and she's had to do all the tedious stuff and none of the stuff that she yearned to do. Three weeks is a long time.

So yes, make sure she feels loved and appreciated. And remember that in the more primitive cultures, the grandmother DOES do a lot of the new baby care. So it must be part of the natural scheme of things. So try to loosen up a bit as soon as you can, and let her have those moments.

She wasn't.in the birth room, nor has she hugged or helped the baby? She's only cleaning and cooking?! She's passed off She's not experiencing any nice things with the baby, and feels like a slave. Of course she wants to go home, I would too! In a few months you're going to need a break, and need a baby sitter.

YABU. She’s helping you and she doesn’t even get a cuddle. She’s had her own kids; you have to trust her!

I miss my mum so much, when she visited after the birth of my second child I remember waking to see her face and falling back to sleep, she picked up my daughter, changed her and took her for a walk so I could rest. Maybe control wise I could argue the silly schedule and whatever but I felt so loved and she felt able to still be my mother when she thought I needed it. Don't burn your bridges with made up rules you teeny baby doesn't care at all

Yes you are being unreasonable. You are treating your mum as a slave .having a baby does nir mean you can be cruel and selfish, its normal for grandparents to want help with he baby. And your lying about not letting anyone else help as you then said dad does 50/50. So why is your mum doing all the cooking and cleaning? Both and your husband are there. I dont get the new rationale where being a new mum means other people should treat you like princess and serve you for no ‘reward’

I’d never heard of mums doing absolutely everything for the baby until recently. I mean no one else but mum ever doing a nappy change/ feed/ bath. I find this odd, but each to their own and if that’s what you want, your mum should respect that.

total different dynamic in my family, my mum, MIL and nana all helped a lot, especially with my 1st and 2nd as I was only young. I was glad of the help. I found being attached to the baby 24/7 overwhelming.

But the op doesn’t want nor has asked for help with the baby. Most new mums don’t want nor ask for help with the baby, they want help with everything else that makes having a new baby harder. Like, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, holding the baby so mum can shower etc if she wants to. That’s literally what the village would normally have done, not take a newborn away from the only person it needs to be with because they want a cuddle instead of the baby’s mum. Newborns literally don’t even know they’re separate from their mum. Nobody should be caring for the baby at all (apart from the dad) unless mum explicitly wants that to happen. Spoiler alert, ive never actually met a mum who does want that to happen…because it’s perfectly natural for mums and babies to want to be together. What’s not natural is for that mum also to have to cook, clean, do laundry, have constant stream of
visitors and have to hand over their baby for other people to feed/change nappies/clothes of etc.

I can't believe the selfishness of some people.

If my dd had a rough birth and into a and e, it would be my pleasure to do the donkey work without judgement, cristissing or demanding to hold the baby.

That will all come. Stabilise mum first

I get why she wants to leave early, she came to help with the baby and she's not allowed to help with the baby except when you are in the shower by the sounds of things.

Absolutely all this from me as well but puts it better than I could and saves me the time!

It’s hard being a new mum OP, and I have to say it annoys me when people want to visit and play with the baby like it’s a Dolly when actually they’d be much better off if they wanted to help making the mum a cuppa!

However you also need to remember your mum is vastly more experienced with children than you are. And given you trust her to come be there for you, you arch the baby while you shower etc, she can’t have done a very bad job of it. I think it’s a bit patronising when older women are cast off as knowing nothing about babies when they are standing in front of the very person whose nappies they changed hundreds of times!

Your mum should be supporting and assisting you, not the baby, in my opinion, so housework, food, simple admin of you can, making sure you eat and drink, letting you sleep when the baby does. If you are happy for her to do baby things that's your perogative, BUT the baby is YOURS not hers, she is not entitled to anything you don't want to give. Let her leave if she wants to

You are both unreasonable. It is normal to feel like you want to do everything for the baby at the initial stage - but is that healthy for you? Maybe getting some time away would benefit you esp knowing baby is in safe hands with your mother. Meanwhile, she’s being very unreasonable for deciding to leave early if it’s driven by feeling that she’s left out from doing baby things. The trip is about supporting you, with whatever, cooking etc included. However perhaps she feels she’s unwelcome? It might be worth having a chat!

I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet but, YOU are her baby!! You’ve had a big event happen and your mum wants to support you and love you and in turn this amazing little baby that you’ve made.
Mums do like to do practical stuff and look after their offspring but also it’s nice and healthy that a newborn is lived by extra close members of the family - it’s completely acceptable to be besotted and feel how very strong you do about your baby - it stems back to the days when we needed to protect our young, but you are in a safer world now and in an environment where you can rest and recover as you have help on hand.
Maybe listen to your mum a bit even if it is unwanted but just because she’s done this before with you, and you seemed to turn out ok she might just have some good ideas.
I think you need some pampering and taking care of as you embark on this journey into parenthood and trust me you will never recoup this sleep!!

Let your Mum know you’re grateful- we need to hear that sort of thing x

The most supportive thing possible Is to support someone how they need and want the support . Mother and baby are the most important in this situation they are establishing their connection and resting. That needs to be protected.

If I become a mil I first off will be asking what level of interaction is wanted and how best I can support whatever feedback I get ill be listening to and act accordingly. If that means I don't visit at all until 3 months 6 months. If I only do food prep if I never feed or change a nappy ever. Then that's absolutely fine. I am not entitled to a newborn I've had my babies.

Kindly say to your mum op what is and isn't supportive if she can't be supportive in the way you need then thank her for her help and say goodbye untill you want visitors or whenever you are happy. You may find you want to have that little bubble with your partner and baby just you 3.

My daughter hasn't had a baby yet but if/when she does I'd want to do as much to support her as she feels she needs. I'd expect to look after her , help with the cooking washing, cleaning, shopping, whatever was needed. I'm many cultures, past and present, mums or mils do this for 40 days to enable mum to recover from the birth, get feeding established and bond with the baby. I'd not consider it skivvying. I'd change and wash nappies too, I don't see what the problem is with the op wanting to change the nappies, and her DM getting upset that she isn't able to, but she needs to remember that you can tell so much from a nappy, about how the baby is thriving (or not) so even if she changes it mum will want to know what's in it.