To feel this is the end because he called me a c€&t under his breath

If all else is well, I absolutely wouldn't end a marriage over this, no. Some people are more sweary than others. I'd say 'cunt' if I stubbed my toe. It's a way to get a feeling out. You don't have to read more into it to make out this man you know very well is a secretly hate-fuelled misogynist unless there's other things in play.

@RealNewt is it ‘just’ this though? Is it that you feel there is real venom behind his words? You’re entitled to feel very cross that he called you that, even muttered it aloud, but is there something more niggling at you? You say you feel he’s not honest about his feelings and that you often suspect he feels anger towards you - how often? Because that’s a very disconcerting feeling to live with, that your partner is wearing a mask and you feel uneasy.

Oh me too!

I can swear like a trooper but that is one word that will never pass my lips.

Is it a word he would use generally?

Seriously?
I'd ignore it unless it was a part of something deeper.
People are allowed to be frustrated. Cunt is just a word. And a good one to let off steam with.

It's just a swear word. Who was it who decided that certain words would be swear words anyway and that there would be levels of mild to extreme.

Having said that it is the one word that I don't like!

That would be a deal-breaker for me. Nobody gets to call me that and expect me to stay in contact, let alone a relationship.

I think it's a huge over reaction. There have been many times over the 50 years I've been with my husband where we've had rows and called each other all sorts of names, but it's done in the heat of the argument, and is forgotten once one of us has apologised, or once we've both calmed down. I'm sure it's a word that we've probably both used to each other at some point. What I don't understand is why so many people seem willing to break up a marriage over such a trivial issue, and why people don't seem to work at their marriages any more. It's very different if your partner in unfaithful or violent, but leaving because of a word used in an argument seems ridiculous - when you marry someone you make a lifelong commitment to them, and I think it's just bizarre to consider breaking up a marriage because of something like this.

He can say sorry, and you need to let it go.

You say he repressed his feelings. Right, and you wonder why? It's not that big a deal, you even say he doesn't do that your face, it was in private!

MN will validate your view that your 'lovely' partner should never show an ounce of anger, so 🤷🏼‍♀️

In fact I've definitely called DH similar behind his back after an argument. While I'm not proud of it it does happen in the heat or the moment when I am absolutely fuming.

It’s abusive if it is one sided, or bullying, or controlling or undermining or otherwise nasty.

It’s not abusive if it’s just two people that are both a bit sweary and give as good as they get (and are otherwise loving and happy). We don’t say it with any malice.

If it's just a word, when is name calling ever considered abusive and unacceptable?

They're all just words.

It's just a word. Stop being so precious.
Unless of course you're looking for excuses reasons to split up.

It all depends on your relationship - we are very sweary (not around DD) and I probably call DH a cunt to his face most months. It means absolutely nothing to us.

Muttered under breath wouldn’t bother me at all. But we are all different and it depends what your marriage is like overall. We are very close and happy. But we are also both quite hot tempered and we quite like a good argument, so we have a lot. It would probably horrify people that are the “never argue” type.

The nail in the coffin for us will be if we just stop talking.

Surely we all mutter rude words about people when they are not there.

I used to call my mum names in the privacy of my bedroom as a kid.

It's not the same as screaming it into your face.

I'm always muttering rude words about my DH under my breath when he's not in earshot. I'd never do it to his face and it lets off steam for me!

I understand you, and I too would have been upset, however I think that actually you should think about it a bit more rationally.
Muttering under your breath, to yourself, whilst alone is akin to thoughts in your own head in my opinion. This is a way of dealing with a stressful situation and the fact that he chose not to direct it at you is probably because he knows that he doesn't mean it really, but needs to express his anger about the argument.

It clearly wasn’t a stupid fight about nothing though, as he was clearly very angry or upset by it. You say you think he often feels angry with you but doesn’t show it. It looks like this is one of those times.

to be honest, I’ve muttered stuff under my breath about my husband, horrible words, when he’s annoyed the fuck out of me, the c one being one of them.

the issue here is you both have a different view of the argument. You feel it was nothing and you were not being cunty. He has a different view.

I agree. (Married 15 years. I’d just choose to ignore it).

Agree with this

You caught him out, but it wasn't meant for your ears.

I think it would be a massive overreaction on your part if you ended your relationship over this.

I have called my husband allsorts at times under my breath and I love him.

I rarely rarely use that word and reserve it for the worst of the worst behaviour so it would be totally shocking to me to hear my husband use it about me. I

Honestly I think you all must be saints if you never mutter a swear word under your breath (privately) in the heat of the moment ... I would never, ever swear at anyone or use swear words (even on Mumsnet !) but yes, I do on occasions mutter fairly strong words in private if a situation is particular exasperating.

I think on MN, being called the C word qualifies for an automatic LTB.

However in this case, it sounds like it was an isolated incident so I don't think it's worth ending the marriage over.

For me the big difference is that he said it under his breath rather than directly to you. If he'd said it to you it would qualify as verbal abuse, however in my opinion, saying something under your breath once someone's left the room isn't verbal abuse.

I love how Mumsnet is full of stepford wives.
Never had a negative thought about their partner
Never called them a name
Never raised their voice, never even thought about it
Never took the huff, never petty
Children are all angels, never arseholes

Load of shite