Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

Do make sure you are there and clearly explain if he doesn't that flying without a biological parent and being abroad without their Dad is a problem because they are still quite young and also that you will not be able to keep all three of them safe without their Dad there. Do not let him say it is because you don't want to take them but be clear that it is being without their Dad which is the issue. I am sure he wouldn't be volunteering to take all three on a plane without you there. Say you do appreciate that they will be disappointed but their Dad has work he (says he) needs to do.

No you don’t. My dad is a workaholic. My Mum, like any sane person, said we have children and we are going on a summer holiday. It will not be one week, it will be two. You will bring no work on our family holiday. And that’s what happened every single year. People, and by people you mean women, do not have to put up with being treated like second class citizens ever.

It's one thing getting on with it with your own children, another altogether to be expected to get on with it with someone else's children.

You sound like you know what you're talking about, and sound confident enough that this is a pattern of behaviour for a certain type of man rather than a once off unavoidable emergency situation. He should never have promised his children a holiday and then backed out of it. If he hadn't agreed to the holiday his children wouldn't now be at risk of being disappointed. @on103 could have taken her own child on holiday with her mum and enjoyed a lovely week away. His children wouldn't feel like they're being left out.

He has created this situation so it is his responsibility to rectify it, not OP's. Mollycoddling these types of men and covering up for their shortcomings is why these types of men continue to exist. Your mam did you no favours by teaching you to accept this as your lot.

@on103

Guess we'll find out tonight when SC come whether he has the stomach to actually go through with it.

Are you planning on being present when this conversation happens? Because I'd want to be. Not to necessarily be a part of it, but to be sure he doesn't throw me under the bus and to 'clarify' if he tries to.

At this point, I think that even if he does get his act together and agree to go, he's going to be a misery guts the whole time to punish you. But that's a problem for another day.

Good luck for tonight!

I know! I couldn't believe it when I read it! 😂

He sounds like the kind of twat to tell them in front of you and make you the culprit. Have you worked out how you’ll deal with that if it happens? You’re absolutely in the right but if he’s going to make the kids cry while blaming you you need a plan. Do not change your mind.

He's pretty certain that you'll give in and agree to take his children and if you do, then the problem of him remaining an absent and uninvolved parent will continue
As you'll have discovered from just the responses that you've had on this thread, many women will simply roll over and take over all childcare duties for step children as that is preferable for them to having no partner
Many others who have commented, me included, find it almost abhorrent that women accept this level of entitlement and selfishness from men
You just have to decide what works for you
which must be somewhat difficult knowing that if you don't give in to his demands that you'll be punished in some way, whether that's silent treatment or verbal abuse or whatever his preferred method for getting you to toe the line is

OP

Yes, and people commenting on your opinion is also a common occurrence on message boards.

No, she doesn’t have to just get on with it. She can decide that it isn’t what she wants, and that she isn’t prepared to enable it. Him being a workaholic doesn’t negate the responsibility HE has for his children.

She’s also perfectly free to leave him and make a happier life for herself elsewhere.

Gently @AtlanticMum , its most likely that because you saw your mum enabling this type of behaviour and your dad behaving this way you have ended up with a similar man. Perhaps instead of "getting on with it" as you and your mother did, the OP should be setting an expected standard where her DH doesn't get to opt out and add expect her to pick up the slack.

Of course he should. But by the sound of him OP would be better off without him on the holiday as he’ll just spend all of his time on his phone or computer or whatever. I am married to one of these workaholics and my father was the same. So I do know what I am talking about. You just have to get on with it and let them get on with their angst.

So, in your opinion, should he go on the holiday?

Just offering my opinion. That’s what we do on here - right?!

100% plus if OP brings all children this time then her DH hasn't faced any consequences for his actions and no doubt with continue doing more of the same in the future.

They are different though - OP is responsible for one child, not three.

It’s not OP’s responsibility to take on the burden of his failings. His fucking up is on him, and the problems caused by that are his to solve - not hers. She is under no obligation to suck it up ‘for the children’, as if she should ever be considered more responsible for his child than their actual parent is.

Why is everyone suggesting that OP should suck it up and bring all the children so as not to upset them?

Why are those people not suggesting that her H should suck it up and go on (the already agreed and planned) holiday with his family??

Why does it always have to fall back on the woman to pick up the slack? And why of she doesn't is it somehow her fault that children are upset? It's this type of thinking that allows men to behave as they like and view women as the unreasonable ones for objecting.

Well - I just think they are 8 and 10 - and whilst there is effort required - SC’s should be no different to DC’s in terms of a let-down - they get to holiday together and disruption minimised. From experience - these ‘abandon’s’ are down to stress/anxiety/OCD or some other disorder - there is no point in OP seeing that disruption pass on to her DC and DH’s DC’s at this age. 🤷‍♀️. That’s all.

Hi UANBU - at all!

My father used to do this all of the time and it’s completely shitty of him to do to you and an 8/10 year old. However I would continue with the plan - and as you’ve said - bring some help. Also. Bring DH’s Credit Card. 😫. He won’t stop this behaviour until you really show him how hurtful it is. My father used to do this all of the time to my mother. And my DH did it post lock-down to me and DD - he got completely wound up in a family business drama 🙄 ( never-ending BS) before our much needed holiday. I went. Had a great time with DD. He was sorry he missed it. But crucially hasn’t done it again. Have a great holiday!

He’s being an arse. My OH is also self employed, also hates having time off work and ‘losing money’…however when it comes to the kids (sports day, holidays etc) he doesn’t think twice.

In your position I would refuse to go, or go but make it clear I’d be leaving him when I returned. It would annoy me being responsible for his child, but it’s not fair on the child to be left out - he wouldn’t understand why and it’s the grown ups job to protect them from that.

@AtlanticMum There are 2 older step-children. OP only has a 4 year old.

Why should she take all 3 when the children's own father just wants a child free week?

I did wonder that myself

I never said 'ahead'.