Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

I'm looking at the problem as someone whose father didn't come on a number of childhood holidays, due to saying he was busy and having an obligation to visit his parents in another country (he could have done that at a different time). He regretted this bitterly years later when we were adults and he realised he'd missed important parts of our childhoods that could never be relived. Your husband is erasing a significant, special time which lives on in memories. Children aren't children for very long. He'll never get that back and his children will never forget that he didn't think time spent with them had any value.

I hope he reconsiders.

So being a woman means mopping up after men and taking on whatever responsibilities they refuse to?

Yeah, fuck that.

OP can get on with it by leaving him to deal with consequences of his own actions.

I’d never be treated like a second class citizen :-). Nor would I suggest. My original post on OP’s was that you either allow DH’s anxiety over job/providing/work/whatever it is - to ruin everybody’s holiday. Or you get on with it - like a woman! I have a deceased (young) bro’s kids come on holiday with us every year - I love them. They are 8 and 10. I’m not their nanny. I am their Auntie. I cook their food. Run their baths. Wash their towels. Watch them in the pool. Look after my Sis in Law. Let her have a break. I know it’s really hard. But kids need support regardless of how or why Dad’s are absent. Of course I agree that OP should insist and say ‘Come - I need help AND I need someone to chillax with at the end of it all’. But it’s not a ‘leave him’ ‘give him ultimatums’ ‘ why should you look after your SC’s kids’ situation.

Thanks also to the therapist who reckons I need help on enabling overworked Dads. I’m actually grand.

@fungipie you are assuming that OP does nothing to support her H and regularly ignores or excludes his DC. I'd imagine she already does more than her fair share for him and his children. If he's a workaholic then that's his priority. This won't be the first time he's left her to manage everything.

So, in this instance I think she is 100% right to stand her ground. He doesn't sound like he's a team player. She can't be a team player on her own. And when you realise you are being taken for granted and doing the heavy lifting in a relationship there has to come a point when you call a halt.

You and your H are a team and share the load. Good for you. That's how it should be. But I don't think OP is part of a team. Her H is out on his own. Pleasing himself and sulking if he's called out on it.

@HollyKnight

But surely it's only teamwork if you both decide it was ok for you to skip the family holiday to do something else? Where is the teamwork in one person deciding for everyone else?

Absolutely. OP has been pretty clear that her OH has form for this and it is a major issue in their relationship. From her perspective he is using it to duck out of family responsibilities. For those posters saying that relationships should be about "give and take", well yes that would be the ideal but that is very much not how OP is describing their relationship. Sounds like OP is carrying the load - and they are both working to support the family. Why should she put up with him doing this again? Sounds like he has waited until the 11th hour to try to back out.

It also sounds like her preference would be for them all to go (on their first family holiday in years). And my take is she is putting him on the spot hoping to force his hand and so he'll come. As he should.

But surely it's only teamwork if you both decide it was ok for you to skip the family holiday to do something else? Where is the teamwork in one person deciding for everyone else?

Fine. We disagree. I am so glad I have a relationship where we are not always velcroed together, and we do step up and take responsibility to have each other's back up when required. Glad it works for us.

But if it does not work for you- fine for you. Give and take, and at times, for all sorts of reasons, it goes one way more than the other, and then the other way round. It works. It worked with my parents, and my step brother. Her job was quite way from home and she commuted. She was the main breadwinner, and often my dad had to support her, and look after stepson. He did it, and it worked for them too. Leave you to it.

You are not comparing like with like. To compare similar I would think OP would have had to arrange something. Tell her children she was bringing them somewhere and then a couple of weeks before decide she's not going but expecting DH to still go and bring all her children.

If she had to go on a training day, hen night, whatever and her children had another parent, I would expect the other parent to be responsible for the children. Or for her to at least ask DH and not just assume.

Dress this up anyway you like but this is all on DH. He's caused on issue and he needs to pull on his big boy pants and find a solution that doesn't involve him getting off scot free.

We only ever have one side of the story when someone posts on here.

Well, this falls under something she isn’t prepared to tolerate. ‘Teamwork’ is an interesting way of saying ‘deal with my shit’. If teamwork is so important, why can’t he take on caring for his own children, rather than land it on her? They haven’t had a holiday in years, where’s the team work when it comes to actually making sure they can all go? It seems ‘teamwork’ in this case means ‘doing what best suits him’.

I don’t particularly what anyone else would or wouldn’t say in that scenario. My opinion remains the same. Don’t assume your child is the responsibility of anyone that isn’t their parent.

Imagine I have to go on a course, or a girls few days away, or training, whatever- and my DH said- fine, but I will only look after our kids, and not my stepson or daughter and will refuse to take him or her on the planned trip out to wherever.

If you were originally going on a family trip then pulled out of it because you decided to go on a course/training or on a girls weekend, yet still expected your DH to take all the kids on his own on the trip, you would get the same responses as here. Your DH would have every right to say, "Well, seeing as you've decided that the family trip isn't happening now, I'll just do something with my kids."

I think that would be reasonable if the OP and her dh were working as a team, @fungipie - but my sense, from this thread, is that he is not working as part of the team - he is doing what he wants, and expecting @on103 to pick up all the slack with his children as well as their child.

It isn’t good teamwork to decide that you don’t want to accompany your wife and your children on a holiday that they are all looking forward to. It isn’t teamwork to prioritise work over family all the time.

The baddie here is @on103‘s dh - he is the one who is letting his children down, and trying to put all the load on her. I don’t see why she should accept that.

Yes we only have one side of the story but when do we ever get two?

End of the day it sounds like he has form for this the line needs to be drawn

I never said you have to tolerate everything. But a team is a team, a partnership.

Imagine I have to go on a course, or a girls few days away, or training, whatever- and my DH said- fine, but I will only look after our kids, and not my stepson or daughter and will refuse to take him or her on the planned trip out to wherever.

There would be an outcry on MN. And quite rightly. Depends very much if the reason OP's DH can't go is genuine, or not. We only have her side of the story here.

you can categorically tell them that's not true

This is the difficult truth, though: it categorically is true. Step-mum doesn't want to take them. What's difficult is that this isn't a bad thing, but no child would understand this and no child wouldn't be hurt by it. And, this sort of truth can easily be weaponised against an adult, over years, in ways that can be impossible to un-weaponise.

Step-parents in the same position as OP have to become comfortable with difficult truths. They have to be clear and firm in the boundaries of their relationships with each individual. Step-parenting, especially when there are new bio kids in the mix, forces a person to examine things and draw lines where fully bio-parents don't need to. It can be done, it just requires a LOT more work that bio-parents don't need to put in.

Basically, making out he wants to go but can’t, and you can take them but won’t - he’s the hero getting nothing out of this, you’re the witch getting everything you want.

Wouldn't surprise me-in theory Op could take his kids & her mum in his place.

Def be there for the chat after dont went him to say I went to come but can't w s now you can't go kids and you don't want his kids and yours

Agree unusual to take dsc and no living parent

AcrossthePond55 · Yesterday 22:11
fungipie · Yesterday 21:01

Not at all for me. Anyone marries someone with children needs to put their needs on equal footing.

Show quote history:
Exactly. OP's needs are equal to her husband's needs. He doesn't want to take his kids on holiday, neither does she. Fine, that's equal.

i can’t argue with that

😳God I hope he doesn't do that. Laying the blame at OPs feet when he's the one who's caused the issue.

I have a horrible feeling tho...

As others have said OP, make sure you're in the room when he explains to his kids why they can't go on holiday and if he starts with the 'step-mum doesn't want to take you'; you can categorically tell them that's not true.

No, you don’t always have to tolerate whatever from your partner no matter what. There are plenty of times I support my husband, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to every time. It’s very much dependent upon what is asked of me. The same applies in the reverse.

Whatever his side of the story is, OP isn’t obliged to provide sole childcare for his children for the week they were meant to be on a family holiday.

"all the kids"...you mean his children?!

He sounds like the type that would tell his ex he can't take the kids that weekend and he'd ship the youngest off to OP's mum.

... You know, because he'd be far too busy and important to mind his own children.

And there may well be a time when she will have to go on a course, or training, or a hen do, or a friends' away few days- and he will have all the kids to look after.

It's called partnership- you have each other's back, and help out when needed. We have NO idea what his side of the story his, and whether his need to stay on and work is paramount or not. My OH has often had to look after the kids on his own for extended periods of time, because of my work, my studies and even periods of time abroad.

I'd be having a chat with him tonight and telling him he needs to tell his dc tonight that they won't be going on holiday due to him having to work. I've been VERY clear that he's not to blame you at all and any attempt to do so will irreversibly damage your relationship.

If he says that, OP should leave.

Do you think he will say something like “sorry kids, I won’t be able to go on holiday with you, I can’t get off work. Wish I could but bills need to be paid. OP has said she doesn’t want to take you with her and [youngest DC], she only wants to go with [younfest DC] and her mum now, so I’m afraid you’re going to have to entertain yourselves at home that week”.

Basically, making out he wants to go but can’t, and you can take them but won’t - he’s the hero getting nothing out of this, you’re the witch getting everything you want.

I just don’t know what I’d do in such a situation. I really feel for you.

Another one here saying don't let him stick you with the blame.

This is 100% on him.

For this reason I would make sure I was present, or at the very least within good earshot, when he tells his children that he can't take them on holiday because he's decided his work is more important than them.