'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

How can you say you would have a relationship and consider it a pleasure when you have no idea what OP is like?

some MIL are deeply unpleasant and you can try and try and they don’t like you 🤷🏻‍♀️ why should someone make an effort with someone if they don’t like them/treat them badly? If the son isn’t bothered about a relationship; why should the DIL be?

It literally never occurred to me that I should keep up relationships with DH's parents. However, I grew up in a family where my mother led the interactions with her mother and sister (and wider family - there were a lot of them) and my father led the interactions with his mother and sister.

Luckily, DH's parents reach out to their son, and on occasion he gets in touch with them. There is definitely a lower level of interaction there, then me with my family. He almost never gets in touch with his sisters, but now that both have new kids/grandkids, I've facilitated interactions between DD and her cousins - but I see that as me developing my own relationship with my sister- and neice-in-law as mums of the same generation and DD with her cousins. I don't know DH's parents or sisters birthdays but I know all the kids'!

I think the OP is getting a bit of hard time if she grew up where mother's did all that work, and the culture around her as a mother was the same. But the only way it will change is by families providing the examples of parents keeping in touch with their own side of the family. Having the DIL step in will just perpetuate the whole thing. Men are in fact capable of remembering to do things.

“it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?” Yes I would have to say this is the only point that matters. But not just your fault… its 50% your sons other parent as well. Its pure misogyny to put that blame 100% on you.

I have one DIL and she is wonderful. She does send us a lot of pictures of our granddaughter, and we are so grateful for that - but we wouldn't dream of expecting it to be all her responsibility - and ds1 is good at communicating with us too, so it is fairly equal in terms of effort. I make sure that my lovely DIL knows how much we appreciate all she does, and I am sure that, if she were feeling put-upon, ds1 would tell us - he is really good at advocating for her and being on her side.

I have to say that, in our family, I have taken the majority of the burden of communicating with dh's side of the family - emails, phone calls, birthday and Christmas cards and presents etc - but that is because I have been a SAHM since ds3 was born, and dh has always worked long hours, so it was reasonable for me to take on that job. Crucially, I never felt that dh was expecting me to do it all, or taking it for granted, and now he is semi-retired, he does a lot more of that side of things (in fact, he does an awful lot now, because I have long covid and can't do much at all so he does all the laundry, ironing, cooking on top of working part time) - and now he has (finally) embraced social media - only WhatsApp, but it is a start - he uses that to keep in touch with family.

there's nothing wrong with being selfish and putting your own needs above others, though. Try it sometime you might enjoy it!

Of course it's not my job, but seeing as I talk to my DH, "My dad's birthday is on the 16th, isn't your mum's the 10th? Shall I buy her a card tomorrow when I get my dad's?" is a pretty normal thing to say, I think.

Yes. I just wonder how many husbands would say 'Hey, my mum's birthday is on 10th, isn't your dad's on 16th, shall I buy him a card?'. There must be some like that, but certainly not enough to be considered the norm.

So the question for me is that if they can successfully remember work deadlines or football game schedules, are men really by nature unable to remember birthdays? Or have they been raised looking at mothers doing all the wifework, reminding and organising, and fathers just receiving praise for the thoughtful presents mum bought?

stop believing nonsense about men that paints them all as a homogenous, incapable group. They're not, but they're enabled and sometimes even encouraged to be, by ridiculous brush-offs like this. If you brought up your son instilling the message in him that men are "a bit shit" at socialising (and let me guess, housework and parenting too?) then it's no wonder you think that's how he'll turn out.

My partner doesn't fit this stereotype – he arranges regular calls with his parents and visits them. But if he didn't, I don't think I'd notice tbh, they're perfectly nice people but it wouldn't occur to me to remind him.

@brightyellowflower That selfish generation? Care to elaborate??

Just wondering why I should maintain my husbands relationship with his own mother on his behalf??

Is it selfish that I do everything for everyone else while working FT and raising kids and building my career and family.... but refuse to pander to two adults who are equally capable of remaining in contact which has nothing to do with me?

Think your post smacks of ignorance of "your generation". I could say - you're in your 50s, probably had an easy part time pocket money job whilst your kids were growing up. Loads of time to climb into your darling mother in laws lap.

And for those saying, it's the man's fault. Not disagreeing, but by allowing him to forget all of the time you're enabling it frankly.

😂 tell that to his mother then, not his wife 😄 if we have to blame women, let’s at least blame the one that had a hand in raising him eh??

No, thought not.

Does he ever do the same and offer to buy for your parents?

And you don't think it has anything to do with you and your son's father letting him grow up to be so uncaring and thoughtless? Instead , it's your DIL's fault? 🤔

It's not like I've tried to remember MIL and FIL's birthdays, it's just that I do remember them as they are close to my own parents birthdays.

Of course it's not my job, but seeing as I talk to my DH, "My dad's birthday is on the 16th, isn't your mum's the 10th? Shall I buy her a card tomorrow when I get my dad's?" is a pretty normal thing to say, I think.

From there, I leave it in DH's hands.🤷🏼‍♀️

Just another way women are to blame for shitty men and another way for mils to bitch About their dils.

Funny that ops raised two children who think the mens side don’t matter.

Now I’ll still pick up presents and cards if I remember for dh’s side, but doesn’t mean they make it to his family. They are his not mine. I don’t and nor does my mother expect him to by buying and writing cards for my my side.

All these poor ikkle men who can’t send a text or write a card, the mind boggles how more men than women run entire companies and countries. Remember the footy fixtures, text a mate for a pub meet up and arrange whole stags abroad.

Stop babying boys and men their entire lives.

If your son doesn’t care that’s not his girlfriends or wife’s fault. Also how does that work for gay men? As mils would the son in law then be to blame or is that a free pass 😂😂

Honestly? I think if your DIL is in her 30's, it's just the way that selfish generation are. Had my fair share of experience of this recently, and it's definitely a 'thing' No manners, no consideration for others, very selfish and look after their own needs above others. 'Not my mother, not my problem'

I'm in my 50's. I absolutely would have a relationship with you and consider it a pleasure. Your son is obviously lazy but the fact remains, your DIL can't be bothered to ensure a relationship for the childrens sake (if not for her own)

And for those saying, it's the man's fault. Not disagreeing, but by allowing him to forget all of the time you're enabling it frankly.

I feel sorry for the OP. Loads of people have put the boot in and said it's her own fault - she's raised her son badly. Sometimes you can do everything right and your kids can still grow up to be thoughtless/lazy. To blame the OP and how she raised her kids, takes no account of their own characters.

I think she views her dil as part of her family and would just like it if one of them made a bit of effort. She isn't seeing her dil as nothing to do with her really, which is how dil is viewing the OP.

Also ... do you expect your son in law to be in contact with you? Or your son to be in contact with his in laws? If not, why not?

Oh - and I forgot to mention that I also worked - full time for most of my married life and for a large part of it (towards the end) I was the main breadwinner. No - it's a fool's game but it was what I was brought up to think married women had to do.

So would l! I bet there is a back story

OP is being super unreasonable and condescending, going on about young DIL’s and she had a job herself (bet it wasn’t full time). I’m busy probably more busy than my husband, as lm also studying part time. On top of both working full time and twin toddlers. I just about have the time and energy for birthdays / Christmas / big anniversary’s etc for my own family and friends. Plus we have 2 daughters so lm not willing to send a message about running round after men and doing their thinking. My mum did that for my brother and it didn’t turn out very well

This makes it very easy for me to remember their birthdays, and I always remind DH

But they are his parents! He has known his entire life when their birthdays are. Why is it easier for you?

It's not, is it - he has simply decided that it's your job to remind him now when his own mother's birthday is.

I'm older and married for over 3 decades.

From the start, I didn't take on any wifework - I had enough on my plate as the main breadwinner and mother when the kids came along.

I've been honest with the ILs about it - I take care of my blood relatives, it's up to DH to care about this stuff for his.

He usually forgets and that's absolutely nothing to do with me.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow I know you said you have stopped reading the comments now - but I do hope you might read mine. I too am older - late 60s - and when I married in my 20s it was the done thing for the wife to do, well, all the wife work - my mother did, so I did too. I did it for years. I liked my MIL and kept the PILs informed. Or sometimes I told/reminded my then husband to ring his parents to ask what they wanted for Christmas or birthday or to invite them. If I hadn't he wouldn't have remembered or bothered.

Then one day my husband got a letter from his aunt in which she complained bitterly that she hadn't received a card or present for her birthday. She said she was no longer going to send us or our children anything for Christmas or birthdays because (and she named me - me not him) Namcchangiosa always sent her a card and gift but this time she (not her own nephew) hadn't bothered.

I was furious because after literally twenty years of doing this, she could just foist all the blame on me and penalise my children. And the really annoying bit was I HAD sent her a card and present - we'd left them at his mother's. So it was her own sister who was at fault because she had forgotten it.

After that I suddenly realised what a fool's game it was, that I did all the work and yet got all the blame. He threw the letter in the bin and eventually it blew over - I presume she got the present from her sister - albeit late - and she phoned him as if nothing was wrong and he went along with it. I got the letter out of the bin and kept it - in fact I am sorry to admit I kept it until after she died - but I never felt the same about her again. I would like to say that I left it all to him after that, but I couldn't do what she'd done, because I liked my in-laws and didn't want them to be hurt - but I did tell him to do things more. But even then I acknowledge that I was still doing the wife work because I was doing the remembering and writing on calendars etc.

Sorry this is so long, but I guess what I am trying to say is yes, we are all a product of our time, but how your son reacts isn't down to you - he is a grown man after all. I am tired of women being blamed for what men do or don't do - in fact, why didn't his Dad teach him better is what I say?

My husband is better at keeping in touch with his family than I am mine! And he’s better at reminding me of things I should do for mine - birthdays and cards etc. I also make a lot of effort with his family and remind him when there’s things coming up and help come up with ideas for their presents etc. just like he helps think of presents for my side. We don’t see them as sides of the family - they’re all our family! Why get married if you’re not going to see your families as shared now, seems like a big part of it for me, especially if you have kids, no?

I disagree with this part of this statement "Through no fault of her own".

Why doesn't her son/daughter want to stay in touch with their mum and/or dad? Is there some reason they want to cut ties and start living their own life?

That’s really super lovely for you. Really happy for you and you have what most people would want. I’m surprised you’re surprised not everyone has that though 😄 I don’t blame you, I’d stay in that harmonious bubble if I were you tbh.

MIL lives with us and she’s like the Mum I never had. DH is still takes charge of sorting her birthday present as she’s his Mum.

Tbh as someone who had neglectful and abusive parents I’d find it really unattractive if a man with decent parents couldn’t even be bothered to buy them a birthday present or keep in touch with them.