'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Actually I'd say the expectation that men are entitled to have women run the boring, unappealing bits of their life is traditional, not modern.

But you see, you are still placing ultimate responsibility for a man’s relationship with his parents on his wife.

Why do you let men off the hook so readily for being “useless at this sort of thing” but not extend the same generosity to their wives? Why do you think men are useless at it? Is it just their nature? Are they too busy, too tired, or they just don’t think about it, or they find it hard? Why wouldn’t you assume any of those things might be the case for their wives too? You expect the women to just get over whatever hurdles they have to maintaining contact with two sets of relatives, whether it’s time, energy, or desire, and just do it anyway, where you merely shrug and roll your eyes at the men who can’t even maintain contact with one side.

Perhaps, just perhaps the reason men are so useless at it is because they are never held to account. Because when they fail, their wife gets the blame, rather than themselves.

If my mum told you that she complains at least once a month that she doesn’t get to talk to me enough, because I don’t ring her as often as she’d like and I don’t always pick up the phone when she rings (true story), would it even occur to you to wonder why on Earth my husband doesn’t pick up the phone to her and chat to her on my behalf?

YABU

Why should your DiL step up when your own son CBA? She has her own side of the family to deal with and make the effort for why is it on her to deal with your son's side of the family as well. If you want updates on your grandkids, then ask HIM.....radical idea but try it.

ETA......why would you think your son's laziness is somehow a better "excuse" for him not bothering, rather that her not being willing to deal with things a mature person wouldn't think twice about?

Normal is subjective. Your normal is not my normal. My normal isn't anyone elses. My sister has a very different relationship with her in laws to what I have with mine (luckily for her, the love her like she's their own).

Not everyone has a lovely relationship with their in laws. Not all MILs (or FILs) are accepting of the new person that's entering their family.

My MIL openly dislikes both my SILs. I am her favourite DIL (and it took a LOT of effort and ignoring of the madness to get there), but am still regularly subjected to the silent treatment, criticism and general rubbish. She often loses her mind at my DH (the one of her three sons who will actually challenge her) and we can go weeks without contact between the two of them.

The result is, over 15 years down the line, I have my own relationship with my in laws, but I do not get involved in DHs. My involvement is only as far as what contact my DD has with them when MIL has been awful. DH handles the rest. And that's his decision, which suits everyone.

Also, you state that you're all easy going and can tell each other things. So tell your son you want more contact. Sorted.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos
I thought my relationship with my kids and their spouses was normal.
I think it helps we are all really easy going and if there are any issues we talk about them. I am lucky my daughter in law is lovely and she is a fantastic mum and i make sure i tell her as i do with my own daughters. Although my own daughters like to think they can run my life but thats a whole different thread 😂

Shared responsibility here but no set method

I'm in my 60s, so probably around OP's age, and I would never expect my dil to maintain the relationship if my ds couldn't be bothered. I don't maintain the relationship with my in-laws, my dh does that. OP has some very old-fashioned ideas about "women's work" that I for one am very glad to see fall out of favor.

OP, speak to your son and stop blaming your dil. It's not her responsibility to maintain a relationship with you.

I think doing all the « kin keeping » emotional labour often falls to women.

Frankly I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with my partners family- he deals with them. I have enough of my own family and friends to keep up to date with.

My kids are adults now but dh has always arranged his family get togethers, and me mine.
Luckily he is always keen to contact his family.

YABU why is always the women's responsibility to take on the mental load of everything as well as work and look after children. I love my PIL, they are good people and occasionally I will send photos of the DCs to them but DH speaks to the several times a week because they are HIS parents and he cares about them. Tell your son to do better.

You say "actively choose to ignore them" as though making arrangements, maintaining communication, remembering birthdays, shopping for presents etc. is easier than not doing those things, which is not the case. All of those things take time and energy, and when you work full time and have young children to chase around all the time you're not working, I regularly go 4 or 5 days on the trot without a single half hour to think. I barely have time to keep in touch with my own family some weeks. If my husband suddenly decided he wanted me to do all of that for his family as well as my own, we would quite simply end up seeing much less of both of our families, because I just wouldn't have the time or the energy.

If my mum feels like she hasn't spoken to me enough lately, she sends me nagging texts and guilt trips me and so I ring her. All these women who are annoyed that they never hear from their son ought to be nagging and guilt-tripping THEIR SON. He's the one you birthed and raised and watched grow. He's the one you love and who loves you. Yes, it would be very nice if his wife picked up his slack, but you ought to see that as a nice bonus, and if she's just too tired, she's not the one you should be getting annoyed at.

I think we are living through a time of transition. Women are increasingly unwilling to bail out shit, incompetent and uncaring men. This applies generally, not just to family relationships.

The exception is children. Most women will 'step up' and do more than their fair share to make sure their children don't suffer from having disorganised, uninterested fathers.

But when it comes to adult relationships, they're no longer willing to cover up for men's failings.

Tbh, most parents should know what their adult sons are like, shouldn't they? If you're unfortunate enough to have one who relies on being a man - and the general permission that society gives to men to be useless at emotional labour and not care who they upset - to be useless at card-sending/giving gifts and generally keeping in touch, then why would you want cards and gifts knowing your son doesn't give a toss and it's really your DIL sending them?

And if it's access to the grandchildren that's the issue, most women are very keen to have extra adults around who love and are willing to invest time and effort in their children. So cut out the useless son and go straight to the DIL - level with her. Say "X is useless at arranging things but we'd like to see our grandchildren more. How can we help? Can we take them out for the day to give you a break? Or can we pay for zoo tickets so we can all have a nice day out together? We want to be present in their lives and build a strong relationship with them as individuals."

And if your son is useless at gift-giving, let him feel the consequences. Send him a card and a selection box for his birthday and that's it. If it's the DIL who's arranging everything, acknowledge this - she's the one who deserves the generous gift voucher or the expensive chocolates, not the lazy sod who doesn't care and never gets in touch.

Why should it be the woman's responsibility to do all present buying and card sending for both sides of the family? If he can't be arsed to buy gifts or whatever else for his own family and close friends, why should his partner be made to feel guilty for not picking up the slack?

One Christmas DH and I swapped, so I bought for the women on his side of the family and he bought for the men in mine (similar numbers).

I have very little communication with my husband's side of the family. I don't take responsibility for any of the organisation to meet up or stay with them.

AND YET, we see them absolutely loads, probably more than we see my family on balance. And why is that? Because my husband takes responsibility for keeping in touch with his own parents and siblings, HE invites his own mother to stay with us, HE suggests going to stay with them, HE gets involved in HIS family's whatsapp group when get-togethers are being arranged. I just get told the arrangements and happily agree. Likewise, I arrange to see my own family, run it by DH, and he happily tags along.

If DILs are unfairly preventing their kids and husband from seeing his side of the family, then that would be very unreasonable, but if it's simply that they're not putting in extra work because they expect their own husbands to act like the grown men that they are and maintain a relationship with their own parents, rather than expecting it to be done for them, then I think the ones who are being extremely unreasonable in that case are the PILs and the husbands.

Very early on after getting stressed near Christmas (everyone in DHs family has a birthday in the Christmas fortnight) I told DH that he was in charge of gift buying for his family.

we usually agree a budget, and then buy for our own family.

i liked DMIL a lot, and would text her and meet up on our own, but it’s DHs responsibility to keep in contact with his family.

since DMIL passed we have a lot more contact with DFIL (as he’s now on his own) and text most days. if I’m honest, I probably forget he’s not my dad.

I don't think DH could tell you when any of the birthdays on my side of the family are so I'm damned if I'm going to remind him about the birthdays on his side. If he was single he'd have to remember on his own. Did this lead to his brother's GF not getting a birthday card? Yes.

As for maintaining a relationship between my MIL and grandchildren, this is the woman who told me the day after my wedding that her existing grandchild would always be her favourite so she made her own bed with that comment.

All this. It literally is a bandwidth issue as l have so little free time (sometimes less than an hour a day to myself). Sometimes l need to zone out a bit and do something for myself. Rather than sending cards via moon pig, finding FIL’s favourite whiskey etc. I prioritise my own family and friends, fine for my husband to do the same

You're blaming a woman for your son being lazy? The son you raised? Maybe it's you as his parent who 'allowed' and 'enabled' him to be lazy whilst bringing him up.
Although heavily shaped by their upbringing, adults are 100% responsible for their own behaviour, not their spouses.
No wonder you have a bad relationship with them.

When women didn't work outside the home and were responsible for household management then it was a woman's responsibility to maintain the family correspondence.
This no longer applies. Everyone should be working together.
In short, splitting the family correspondence between the two halves of the family seems a fair distribution. Speak to your DS and ask him to step up.

I think there are two different issues here. I think that people (both wives and husbands) should communicate freely with the ILs, unless there's a strong reason not to: not just 'well, you're not my side of the family!' But I also think that it's unfair for a man to offload all responsibility for remembering his parents' birthdays, etc. to his wife

I think and I mean this kindly.
a) it's not a lack of interest. It's a bandwidth issue.
b) she isn't your family, you will have to work twice as hard with her to build a relationship as you don't come with the same level of obligation as her own parents do. This is doubly hard for you both if you are far away as the small incremental gestures and help are harder to do.
c) you do need to lean on your son. For two reasons. He's not making the effort, at all and if you think its bad now with small children, wait until you and your husband are aged and infirm. He is building a model where only your own daughter will step up to support you. So you should call him out on it now.

It’s not a woman’s responsibility to take on the mental load of sorting all presents/birthdays etc. I grew up watching my mum do it and while she did it well it’s definitely not something I could manage. My partner and I split it. All birthdays on the calendar but we each sort out our respective family members and sign it from both of us.

by allowing him to forget all of the time

But it's not my job to ensure he remembers to interact with his family. so I'm not allowing or forbidding anything here.

poster sounds like my MIL who thought it was fine to scream insults at me but I wasn’t even allowed to defend myself because I’m in my 30s and she’s in her 50s so she can say whatever she likes but I can’t. It’s a special viewpoint.