'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

This! What’s the point in receiving a card and a gift from the DIL?

Because he doesn't bother to remember anything. Not just your things. But also all the family admin. I bet it's on a calendar and he just doesn't look at it.

good question. The ones complaining that rude DILs make no effort - how much of an effort do your sons in law make? Constant updates, calls and cards? No?

Why is gift/card buying solely down to your DILs though? Why isn't there the expectation that your son remembers to get you something to show he appreciates you? As he is also part of the family. Men are part of it you know, not just the women.

Would you expect a son in law to be the one buying your gifts? Or is it your daughter?

Men are very capable of maintaining relationships with "the boys". It's not their wife's job to remember those birthdays. They're great at that.

So they have the skills. They can transfer them to their family. As they most likely did before they had a wife.

Women don't have a gene that means they remember birthdays better. They aren't biologically more capable of buying gifts or posting things. They just effing do it, which men are also able to do.

doesn't receive a birthday card/ update on the grand kids unless their son has written it?

I would be quite disappointed if my own son couldn't be arsed to send me a birthday card and delegated it to his partner.

Perhaps they plan to teach their sons to look at women as their equals rather than as their unpaid secretaries, and so they don't anticipate needing to rely on their DILs for birthday cards and updates on the grandchildren?

Yes. I have 3 sons and I am sure that, like my brothers are with my mother, they will be close with me and if they don’t get me a birthday gift or a card, I will address it with them accordingly! Same with time
with grandchildren.

Oh dh does this to me for all events not just his mum. His looking for an excuse mostly or at least to give a we can but only til X time as we have plans.

Have you pissed your DIL
off or something?

What a lot of lovely comments. Whatever happened to the idea of family? I have three sons, shall I stop sending their wives/ partners birthday and Christmas presents? This is such a mean spirited response to the OP. Does it ever occur to people on here, that, one day, they will be that MiL who can do nothing right or doesn't receive a birthday card/ update on the grand kids unless their son has written it?

It's not antipathy, it's overload. I love my MIL to bits, but I can't do an Executive career as the breadwinner whilst doing all the "women work". It's overwhelming.

The part where the husband looks after comms with his side of the family is the only clearly identifiable bit of women work that you can delegate successfully to the man.

It is really sad for mums if he doesn't step up. But its not the DIL fault. It's his.

My ex MIL called me 2 days after we'd got back from honeymoon to berate me because "my friends haven't had thank you cards for the gifts they gave you".
I pointed out that we went away the day after the wedding so hadn't yet had time and went on to say that I would be doing thank you cards for my side but her friends were her son's responsibility. Apparently that's "a funny way to run a marriage".

No no. Men and women have been programmed to believe it’s the women’s job because the poor men folk cannot possibly remember.

Yet they remember their Mot, their dentist, important meetings for work, when to renew their insurances, when it’s their mates birthday, when the (sport / hobby of their choice) fixtures are, they remember when new movies are due to come out. They remember what beers they like and which is their favourite Chinese.

They choose to not be arsed mostly with remember family dates you no boring no relevance to them womens work. They mostly remember wife’s birthday and anniversary etc because relevant you no to stay married and get sex 😏😉

What's your evidence for saying that women are better at remembering special occasions and buying gifts than men? Has this been scientifically proven?

Or is it just a case of men being strategically incompetent so that they don't have to bother?

My DH seems perfectly capable tbh. I'm not sure why he wouldn't be.

I’ve also noticed that some younger women say it is their husband’s responsibility to buy gifts and stay in contact with the husband’s side of the family. I don’t think that is necessarily fair because generally women are better at remembering special occasions and buying gifts than men are.

However some MILs overstep the mark and there are plenty of DILs who justifiably choose to keep their distance and tell their DH to look after their own family so that it limits the DILs contact with their dreaded MIL.

I actually like that this is becoming the norm. Women already have to take up the slack for men in so many areas, and with little thanks. Maybe this will breed a new type of man who actually takes on the responsibility unlike your son, who can't be bothered and it shouldn't be your DIL responsibility just cos he can't be arsed.

Selfish? I don’t think so.

I’m in my 50s and 100% agree that it is well past the time for women to be picking up the misogynistic slack. I don’t think we’re being selfish - quite the opposite by helping equality of the sexes for future generations.

Me too. DH is far more sociable than me. And I come from a family that doesn't bother with birthdays anyway so I'm damned if I'm running round buying birthday cards for his family when I don't send them to my own. If he thinks it's important to send cards then he can do it. There's nothing on the Y chromosome that makes men explode if they walk into a branch of Hallmark.

I know OP has stopped reading the thread now but I've just got a rhetorical question.

If the DS is so bad at remembering people's birthdays etc., does OP or other MIL's in that position, give him a call to remind him about DIL's birthday. Or, as I suspect, does he not forget his wife's birthday because she'll either have a word or make it clear that she is not happy (quite rightly).

So that's what DM and DF need to do - ring up and have a word. Express that you're not happy, you're disappointed, you want more consideration.

I remember my now 17 year old DS saying, a couple of years ago, that his friend had rushed to the shop to get his mum a birthday card as he'd forgotten it was her birthday. DS said to me something along the lines of 'If I'd done that I'd not hear the last of it eh mum?' Answer - dead right. And he'll not hear the last of it if he forgets when he's left home either!

Thing is, this is teamwork. A man just not bothering to remember his family stuff because it's wife work is not the same.

My DH is crap at buying cards and gifts but he is in close contact with his Mum and she helps out a significant amount with our children. I ensure she, and everyone on his side, get cards, gifts etc. I don't know if this is my responsibility as such but they're all nice people and they take the time and effort to look out for me and my children.
It's a bit sad when people don't do something because it isn't seen as 'their' responsibility. My DH helps my mother out with jobs around the house- probably not 'his' responsibility but he's a nice person.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing

But I am also absolutely useless. I do not want to send any cards, I don't want to remember that it's the 5 year anniversary of the purchase of the kitchen sofa of the second cousin I've never met. Women are not naturally better at date remembering and stamp purchasing.