'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Thanks for paving the way for us, @MadameMaxGoesler. 🫡

Yes and the grandchildren too. It seems the parents don't consider that. People talk about leave it to the sons, then the sons have to ask the boss, their femsle partner, wife..whatever...and it doesn't happen. It's sad

@MasterOfCake I’ve no idea how they remembered special occasions when they were single! I guess they just had to think for themselves.

Ive always kept in touch with my mother in law and sister in law as they have become my family too! I couldn’t imagine not being in touch with them myself and leaving all communication to my DH. He does co fact his mum and his sister but I do too and have my own relationship with them.

in fact I’ve become my mil career this year due to a cancer diagnosis (sil not local and DH just isn’t a caring type so it fell to me). They don’t mind as my in laws helped us with childcare for years so it’s my time to give back. I do get annoyed at my husband as he could do more. I do feel he mostly appreciates what I do for his mum though.

I love my PIL, we are in contact most days with updates on our child, either on the family whatsapp group or individually. My husband is in contact with his Mum and Dad every day.
I love my parents too, I contact them most days by text, but my husband doesnt really reach out to my parents so much.

I would have a heart to heart conversation with your son and explain how you feel, he is probably just wrapped up in his own life that it slips by.

It sounds to me like your son is hiding behind his wife's skirts, putting it on her, that they don't see you or do things with you.

Adding children to the mix doesn't make family work inherently more the mother's job, by the way. If your son wants to facilitate his children's relationship with his parents, it's still down to him, ultimately, to do so.

I do treat my ILs as family. If I'm going out and I ask DH if we need anything he might say "a card for mum" or "can you get x for dads birthday?" And I'll happily get it. But I, and his family, also treat him as the fully grown adult he is. He doesn't need to be reminded of his families birthdays. He chooses their Christmas presents because he knows them better. Everything is sent from both of us. And he treats me as his equal, not as his secretary who deals with all the boring admin stuff.

OP is annoyed with her DIL for her son's lack of contact.

I find it mind boggling that people think remembering birthdays, being thoughtful, arranging meet ups with grandparents is somehow dependant on having a vagina.

Men are CEOs, they are Prime Ministers, they are government pencil pushers, they are construction managers, they are doctors, they are nurses - nearly every job has some sort of deadline, a date to work to. They have to foster relationships with work colleagues, clients, friends. They arrange stag dos, golf days, triathlons. Yes, I am purposefully being a bit stereotypical with the roles, but they function !

They add deadlines to calendars, they arrange drinks and food with friends, they do what most people do in terms of making sure they remember important things. Their boss wouldn’t stand for them missing a deadline, ignoring/not fostering client relationships. Why do some people let them get away with it in their personal lives? You don’t expect the wife of an employee to remember to send the company report out on Friday on behalf of their husband.

How did these men manage to remember special occasions before they got married?

Have you tried phrasing it as “when are you free”, rather than “are you free on this date”? If your DIL is booking up all their weekends and not leaving time for his family then that is unreasonable. If, however, the issue is your son’s poor organisational and communication skills, then that’s something you need to take up with him.

It's actually really depressing to see some of the older women on this thread insisting that women should do all of the family admin because men are just crap at it. It's no wonder that we still have so many men that are seemingly incapable of stepping up... that's how they have been raised to think about these things.

I can only hope that younger women will keep striving to change the script. I hope that, one day, my dd will have a fabulous relationship with a lovely MIL, but I also hope that she has at least a half-way decent husband who wouldn't dream of outsourcing his relationship with his parents to her.

I don't want my dd to be part of some sort of weird, incompetent and dysfunctional family where the women are expected to do all of the work required to maintain relationships. I want her to be a part of a normal, loving family where everyone respects each other and expects to do their fair share.

OP you need to talk to your son. Say you're disappointed in his lack of effort and that it's one-sided. It's not your DIL's responsibility.

You really haven't read the room, have you, OP?
I'm 63 and married for 34 years. I have never taken on the wife work of choosing, buying, wrapping queuing and posting presents and sending cards to my husband's side of the family or Christmas cards to his old school friends.
I was for many years the higher earner and just as busy and stressed as he was, so why would I do that?
I also cut down my own mother's expectations. She has seven nephews and nieces, some of whom have their own children, for whom she continues to buy presents and then moans about it. She reminds me of my sister-in-law's birthday: we have never exchanged presents.
This stuff is just busy work for women in the way that the etiquette of leaving calling cards was.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Dh’s parents only do a ropey buffet or full blown Sunday/Christmas dinners.

It’s just so eugh not what any of use want to as we feel waste a weekend day doing because it’s never a weekday evening come round. It’s always come for 1pm Saturday. Or 2pm Sunday.

where as a midweek pizza 7/8pm from (pizza place) come on by. Doesn’t really steal a day but it’s still time together.

“What happened to the idea of family?” asks the woman who doesn’t expect her sons to even maintain a basic relationship with his own mother after he gets married 😳

If my sons didn’t send me a birthday card I’d be very disappointed in them, and I’d tell them so! I certainly wouldn’t go blaming a woman I haven’t even met yet for my son’s thoughtless.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow do you contact Dil/send her cards or presents/bunch of flowers or do you expect her to do all the running in the relationship?

I did send mil mother's day cards and organise birthday card etc early in our relationship, but she I think twice in 30 years has sent a birthday card to me. If she can't be bothered why should I?

The resentment is that the OP is upset that the DIL doesn’t do all the gift shopping and facilitate the relationship. She’s not upset with her son for not doing anything and she’s concerned her daughter doesn’t do anything for her PIL.

I love my PIL, I will write in the cards my husband chooses (we do joint ones), I’ll sometimes make a suggestion on the presents. I’ll send photos in the WhatsApp chat. It’s not about resenting who buys what. It’s the expectation that the woman does everything for the husband when it’s not her family. Should she be buying cards and present for his friends, his children, his wife?! I joke, but I do know of a couple (friends of my parents) where the wife buys (and wraps) her own birthday and Christmas presents.

Your relationship sounds great with your DILs, as is mine with my PILs. I doubt you would want it to be only left up to women to do all the cards/texts/meeting up as the OP is. My PIL wouldn’t expect that either, I wouldn’t expect it from my son.

@OhmygodDont I totally agree with your second paragraph!

If my son when older cnba to send me a card and gift a text is enough.

I actually plan ahaha maybe. To be the type of parent that texts once a fortnight inviting everyone to say pizza evening “ Hey ordering in pizzas tonight let me know if you can come and any requests, bring your partner/friend”

“making fudge tarts today out in your orders to collect tomorrow”

nice easy chilled invites. Not strict sit down Sunday meals or whatever. Just some kind of get together meals. Mix it up pizza/Chinese/bbq doors always open but reminder of those doors being open. Stuff I know they like which still might be me doing womens work but it’s work I’m willing and open to do. Plus I love baking and take away 😂😂

Yeah, my kids know it is their responsibility too. And when it comes to my birthday or Christmas, their dad is the one who takes them to get me something. They don't just do nothing then get their name added to a card.

Today’s mothers are trying to ‘bridge the gaps’ and make everything fairer within the family. So many family related tasks and responsibilities just fall onto the shoulders of the mother to do and it simply isn’t fair. Saying that men are just incapable of doing certain things, or just don’t remember, is fuelling the problem and enabling them to get away with it. Weaponised incompetence. I struggle with it in my own relationship and it’s actually making me question whether I can stay in it!! I am not responsible for involving my partner’s family in things, or my own for that matter. If people want to be in the loop and invited to things etc, they need to make effort too and show up, be present. There are also issues with my in laws where they have betrayed my trust, among other things, so I am absolutely not bending over backwards to do anything for them. Ultimately I’m trying to say, men need to take responsibility for things too and I think one of those things should/could be, communicating with their own families.

No because I haven't raised my boys to assume certain tasks are women's work. At 10 and 16 amazingly they can buy presents, they can remember their aunts birthdays etc.

For the love of all that is good why on earth is it always women's responsibility 😭 😡.

Does it ever occur to people on here, that, one day, they will be that MiL who can do nothing right or doesn't receive a birthday card/ update on the grand kids unless their son has written it?

But I have a son! Why would anyone except him be writing my birthday cards? It is baffling to me that you think writing a birthday card is something incredibly difficult that you couldn’t possibly expect your own son to do.

I don’t get a Mother’s Day card now “unless my son has written it” and despite only being 7 he seems to cope fine with this onerous task.

But you sound like someone who has a good relationship with your DILs. OP doesn’t - that’s the difference. I’m at home and DH works long hours so I’m very happy to pick up the slack, but only to people who are actually nice. MIL is not. Therefore I’ve stopped doing all the wife work for her that I used to do. And tbh if I was also working I probably wouldn’t either; just because I don’t think that’s fair.

That's not what I said. I have three sons. I regard their wives/partners as equals. I buy them gifts. Heck I even like them. I simply don’t get all the resentment on here about who buys what. And my sons do send me cards. I'm beginning to find Mumsnet very sour, I guess it's time for me to go