'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Is anyone suggesting a DIL should be in daily contact with her husband's parents. I must have missed that one.

It isn't just that though, you've picked one bit but ignored the fact they don't thank me for their presents, don't buy me a present, don't even sign a bloody birthday card that son has bought, choose a £1k pram (I honestly don't think son could care less about which pram it is) get son to forward the details and still never even acknowledge it. But yes ignore that.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos
I never said i wanted more contact. I have lots of contact you are making an issue out of something i did not say.

I took on all the life asmin for my ex H. He didn’t even know when his parents birthdays were!! I was lucky to get a card off him for birthday and Christmas and used to say ‘do you need to go and get any cards?’ When we passed the card shop…. He’d say “is it your birthday this month??”
I used to go in and get cards for my family and friends and just pick up for his at the same tiime… used to pi55 me off though because I pretty much wrote and posted them too!! But to me they were my DD’s grandparents so I did it! I used to also send pictures to my MIL regularly via WhatsApp. (My ex H’s family have never met my DD by the way because my ex couldn’t be bothered to travel 5 hours to see them - DD is now a teenager!!).. I did offer when she was 7 to travel up there with her when DH was working away just so she could meet his family and MIL was rather rude about meeting her without her son being present… so that was that and she’s never met her fathers family!….
We split 2 years ago and I STILL buy and send cards from DD, to PIL’s and aunts and uncles on my ex’s side from DD, she writes them now and puts my name in them too…. Last birthday and Christmas I didn’t get anything back from any of them! So I do feel all the years I’ve bought and sent cards have gone completely unacknowledged and unappreciated because now we’ve separated (amicably) his family have completely disregarded me!…. They send a card to DD though, but obv can’t be bothered to throw a cheap one from a multipack in the same envelope for me!!
For the past 2 Christmases I’ve still spent time and money doing photo calendars of DD for both his parents (they’re separated) and keep in touch with Dad….(because despite now living 5 minutes from his dad he hasn’t visited him or sent cards in 2 years!) So I do from me and DD …
In fact I’ve sent a fathers Day card this year from us both to my FIL (both being me and DD).
I do think at some point though I’ll stop sending to all the others, but I will still feel obliged to buy and send cards to them from DD. Most of my friends don’t bother with their ex’s family at all, but I suppose I’m a bit soft and just see it as ‘they’re still DD’s family!…
I find it sad too that just because me and exDH have split, I’m suddenly nothing to them…. Surely they realise it was be doing all the buying and sending of cards for the past almost 20 years!!

Thing is, you're taking it all really personally. Read between the lines and what people are upset about is the expectation of women to carry this mental load for two families/sets of grandparents and for it to be not important whether men do it or not for one family.

They're not angry at you as an individual. It's just that by starting this post, you are implying women should be doing the work - is it really surprising people bristled at that?

I get it's not nice to have loads of people disagreeing with you, but the only way we can have any sort of equality in the future (we clearly don't have it now), is by being able to debate and challenge these things.

Because it feels right for them to know their family. My partner also wants to have contact with them even if they are awful they still feel a connection and want to keep that going even if its not often.

You should have raised your son better.

More wife work for, and judgement of mothers of sons. At what point can adult children take responsibility for their relationships and remember birthdays, visit folks themselves?

Why on earth do you want people like this in your children’s lives?

It’s honestly baffling.

I don’t think the onus should be on women to be responsible for this, or make the assumption that all men wouldn’t make any effort.

Both your DC seem to not make an effort with their in-laws, I don’t know how much influence you can have over that now, but you could have a conversation about where they are coming from, which isn’t based in your initial assumptions.

You continue to make an effort, that might be all you can do really.

Why on earth do
you want people like this in your children’s lives?

The same DsIL don't acknowledge presents for children to young to do it themselves - if your sons acknowledged the presents, surely that's enough and both parents don't need to thank the same person separately?

you are being selfish twats for ignoring your children's grandparents.
I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids

I wonder how many husbands here are called selfish twats because they are not in daily contact with wife's parents, and they don't remind the wife that it's her own mother's birthday and maybe she should buy her mother a gift.
No wait, women are just not good at that kind of thing. He should just get the gift for her mother and sign the card from both of them.
After all, her mother has maybe done some childcare for his children, and may have contributed to his wedding, right?

This sums up what I was trying to say so much better and shorter. I hope your ILs appreciate what a lovely DIL they have.

I expect my adult sons to keep in touch with me and fortunately they do. I think your son should do the same but I do have a but.

Do these DILs take presents and help from PIL? I have 4 kids, they all have a partner, I also have 8 GC. So 16 birthday presents and 16 Christmas presents. My budget is between £100 and £120 x 16 times a year, let's say I spend £3,500 a year plus special events, weddings, new babies etc. The budget is the same for son/daughter/their partners/grandchildren. Is it unreasonable to expect ILs to have some manners? I frequently don't hear from some DsIL, they don't buy me anything and frequently I don't hear from GC. The same DsIL don't acknowledge presents for children to young to do it themselves e.g. Can I buy a new £1k pram for new GC? Son will come back and say DIL is sending details, son will then thank me but nothing from her. Funnily enough son in law is very appreciative.

So I'd say it isn't DIL's job to keep in touch for her husband/partner but she is responsible for her own response/lack of response.

Cards, flowers and messages are a sign that you care or are thinking of them. Especially as people get older, to not receive cards from people can make people feel forgotten. Older generations value these things much more than younger ones which is why we need to remember to send them. Not for us but as a courtesy and kindness. It goes a long way and brings a great deal of joy and validation to many.

This. 👏

Does anyone else feel that all the cards / presents and flowers are a bit of a faff and a waste of time for adults?

Not because they don't care about the adults but because the cards end up in the recycling and the flowers die and the presents are things you could buy yourself or take up space or end up at the charity shop.

I feel like this. Maybe men feel the same way. When I get this stuff it makes me slightly stressed as I realise I ought to respond in kind.

I do agree though that extended family relationships are very important. Mainly in terms of meeting up and get together and phone calls though. But yes best if each person takes the primary responsibility for their own family.

Exactly, every word of this!!

I like my in laws. I have no problem exchanging messages and getting the children to make her a birthday card. But if we have a month where me and DH are both exhausted and both drop the ball on communicating with our respective parents, I’d be pretty unimpressed to get complaints from my mum and his mum, as if it’s all ultimately my responsibility.

I went through a phase of seeing MIL more than my DH saw her because I would take the kids to see her when he was at work.

I come from a big family where in laws are included on family holidays etc, I grew up seeing this so it would he important to me to have a good relationship with my MIL and I'm lucky because she's a diamond.

My sisters DH makes hardly any effort with his mother, though my sister keeps that relationship going and she takes her MIL out shopping weekly, sorts out birthdays etc. They have a good relationship and her MIL did a lot of child care when their children were small so I think she's probably she feels she owed her a lot too. Though my sister has a heart of gold so she'd do it anyway.

I think it's just personalities and their own family backgrounds. We value family and nurture those relationships and get the same back so it's definitely a two way street.

Then it sounds like a lot of effort just have "memories of grandparents". My DH doesn't remember his grandparents on his dad's side because they died when he was tiny. But he knows they were nice. He vaguely remembers the ones from his mum's side but knows, despite everything being "positive" when he was there, that they were not nice to his mother and he often wonders why his mum would take them to witness that. He's the driving force behind not letting DD be in the toxic environment that happens when his mum goes off on one for that very reason. He's also told his dad that we only go over for him, because otherwise we'd keep her at arms length.

He remembers that people were tense. He remembers his parents being on edge. He remembers that the "positive" felt forced.

Blood doesn't mean they automatically need to be in your kids lives. Sometimes the right thing for kids is to not be around certain family members. Not be taught "these people abandoned your dad aged 18 but we have to travel 9 hours to let them see you".

Due to their extreme location there is no way for the children to visit them without driving and even when they can drive its a 9+ hour drive from home. They lived
4 miles away from us in the same county before abandoning their children at the earliest legal point. So I can be sure that the kids are very unlikely to visit them under their own steam.

The time they spend together is positive enough and they have memories of grandparents but not exactly something that they will be wanting to do on their own steam!

They never phone or write and the grandparents haven't replied to the few text messages they have been sent by the children thanking for gifts etc. I'm absolutely sure there will be no contact as soon as they can stay home if we visit and if im honest without the kids being there we will have no reason to visit.

If your husband is bothered about the relationship, he'll make the effort in. It's not our job as wives to make them be bothered about all their relationships. There could be reasons they don't want to put the effort in, and by us "picking up the slack" what were actually doing is forcing a relationship they don't want/need.

Their relationships with people are entirely upto them.

I don’t think many of us do believe that our men are “absolutely useless at this sort of this”.

They aren’t useless at it. They make up the majority of our surgeons, CEOs, political leaders etc . . . They certainly have the wits, intelligence and foresight to set reminders in their phones to buy presents and arrange family meet-ups. They just don’t do it. That’s a choice.

I think it’s unfortunately a very female thing to feel responsible for preventing things from going wrong in situations where others should (and easily could) have done so themselves. This tends to land us with extra duties that are often unseen/unappreciated.

I personally see no reason for this inequality between the genders to exist and want this to change. So I am quietly declining to make it my responsibility to pick up the slack.

After all, it is not me that is deliberately letting relationships suffer. It is my husband. I am simply not making it my responsibility to paper over his cracks.

You may think they won't be party to it, but they can pick up on things. My DD screamed every time she was near my MIL when she was tiny because of how she behaved towards my DH on the second visit he made to them. They remember vibes. It was months before she'd go to her.

Also, if it's been 15 years since you became a mother, your DC are getting to a much more independent point. At 15 I was visiting my grandparents on my own. Under my own steam, I travelled to them myself by 17. If you really have only created positive experiences they will want to see them and you won't be controlling the experience anymore.

Be careful. You're never in control of toxic people.

My position was always that I would keep MIL up to date with goings on, and she would write back weekly (didn’t have a computer but loved typing) so we heard their news often. I would remind DH to call her for birthdays etc if he didn’t remember at times.

as another poster said I didn’t want MIL left out of knowing what was happening in her grandies lives. I thought We got on very well and I just thought it’s a polite way to conduct myself as mum to her grandchildren. We went and stayed a few times without DH tagging along.

However not long before she passed away, I received a horrible letter outlining something upsetting she claimed I had done to her daughter from afar.

I was shocked so called her immediately. I asked her if she had seen the particular thing I was accused of creating, she hadn’t but took her daughter’s word for it.

I said why would you think I would do such a thing and she replied well why would (her daughter’s name) lie…? I was so upset I couldn’t talk through the tears and hung up on her. Damage done and that was it for me.

to my way of thinking, I had invested in my relationship with her and thought we had something special that was mutual. DIL’s often know they are not ‘family’ but there is an expectation of us.

I don’t think we feel that our in laws will ever have our back if push comes to shove. mine didn’t and she went to her grave early the following year. That was around 20 years now and it still hurts.