'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I know my mother and grandmother did do all the keeping in touch and card and flowers sending etc.
But for god's sake in this day and age when most women also work full time surely the man can phone his own mother and make plans for his own side of the family??
To reassure you my MIL also has a lazy son and a DIL who refuses to take on the burden.
Deal with your son!

Are you my MIL btw????

You openly say your own daughter doesn't have contact or minimal with her in-laws but then expect your DIL to ensure your son has contact with you. You want the same type of relationship with your son - you fix it.

I'd imagine it is down to your son's laziness in all honesty! Maintaining multiple family relationships takes time, effort and patience - women often take this on to the point it becomes a burden, now recently a lot of "wife work" like maintaining relationships with the PIL has been handed to the DHs of the world, who then seem to let it slip quite quickly from what I've seen.

Honestly your son should be putting similar effort in to see you guys as his wife does to see her parents. You mention you see lots of your daughter and her family - and that she has virtually no contact with PIL. You're just seeing the opposite side of that with your son!

It appears your ds is a bit of a man child.

Absolutely. I send presents to my sisters children on their birthdays, and my sisters and my parents, I do their mothers and Father’s Day cards and presents, I send Christmas cards to my extended family and friends, I get DH to sign these cards.
I do not send presents and cards to his sisters children, his mum, his sister, his wider friends and family. Why would I?
As a result, yes, we are closer to my side of the family because he often forgets to send cards and presents or just doesn’t bother. This is not my fault, it’s his.
Im nearly 50 btw. Not young.

I've always assumed that my husband would be the one mostly communicating with his parents and siblings and me with my own. He would arrange gifts for his side (except they don't really do gifts) and I would arrange them for my side. I almost never have direct contact with his side or he with mine, but participate in family WA groups, say hello in group phone calls etc. I've not seen that as "refusing" to do anything. It just seems normal to me and he was just as capable of giving them updates on the kids etc (when they were younger).

Maybe it would be different if his family lived locally and we naturally formed a closer relationship, but they live in a different country and their first language is not English (though their English is very good).

I think the question you meant to ask was: "Why is my son refusing to take on the burden of keeping me up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever?"

It's nothing to do with your DIL. Your son cannot be bothered. You need to ask him about it.

It is 100% the son’s responsibility to keep up contact with his family. It is not apathy on the part of DIL. It is simply refusing to be the only person managing the family. Men are perfectly capable of remembering birthdays, of making phone calls, and if arranging Sunday lunches. It’s a natural split to each manage your own family.

that many men fail at this task is a reflection of the men and possibly the people who raised them, not their wive’s.

I would imagine efforts go both ways. If you’ve been generous with time and efforts, have they been ignored? Usually energy and time balances itself out in the end - but someone has to start the process. Maybe you have not been as active as you think??

You should have raised your son better.

We have this set up, my husband is a grown up and I'm not his mum, he buys his family gifts and cards and I buy mine.

It's not my responsibility in the same way I wouldn't expect him to buy my mum a birthday card, we do have all birthdays in a shared calendar and I remind him near the time in case he misses, sometimes he still forgets but that's on him

I think more and more women are refusing to take on all the emotional labour for both sides of the family, yes. And really, why shouldn't they? It's usual for both parents to work and be equally busy. It's very outdated for women to be responsible for all the wife work, and if a man is old enough to have his own children, why can't he do his fair share of the family admin? Your beef should be with your son, not his wife.

So your daughter doesn’t keep in touch with her in laws but you expect your DIL to keep in touch with you, even though your own son clearly can’t be bothered?

This. You have a DS problem, not a DIL one

YANBU to expect it from your son. YABU to expect it from your DIL when your own son can’t be bothered.