'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I think that is perfectly reasonable, @NewNan21. I don't mind doing my share of the communication with dh's side of the family because they have always made the effort to stay in touch with me as well as dh.

I am very glad my lovely DIL stays in contact with us - she is always sending us pictures and videos of our granddaughter, and we are in touch a lot - but I value the contact with her because I love her, not just because I want to know how ds1 and my granddaughter are doing - it has to be mutual, otherwise it is just another chore being put on one person.

I’m not a young mum but no way will I continue to be the contact go between for my husband’s side. I’ve done it for 30 years but no more. They have to make the same effort

I did most of the family admin/wife work when the dses were kids, because I was, as I said earlier, a SAHM, and dh was working long hours and commuting to London, so it made sense for me to do these things.

But dh has always made the effort to stay in touch with his side of the family - during the first lockdown, he started writing a weekly letter to his dad, because he knew his dad would be alone in his flat, with very little human contact, and he loves getting letters. It's become a habit now - and frankly, that is more effort than I used to put into staying in touch with my mum (complicated family relationships, and we weren't close).

I think that responsibilities within a family should be divided by the amount of time each person has available, and people's skills. I am much better than dh at thinking up presents for people - partly because I have done so much more of it, but also partly because I am more of a people person than he is. But he is really good at planning and logistics, and so he is the one that will plan big family events where we all congregate somewhere for a get-together, including all the complicated planning that goes into getting my elderly FIL there by public transport, with all the assistance he needs. Recently his brother got married, which meant us driving down from Glasgow, ds3 and his girlfriend flying down from Edinburgh, FIL getting the train up from Cornwall - all the travel arrangements and hotel bookings. He is brilliant at that - it fries my brain.

What if you work away and you aren't around, would your husband just ignore it? One of my sons is away with his work and I think it isn't much for DIL to send a text to say, "present for Mary's birthday has arrived safely."

fair enough, if the other parent is actually not present and not capable of communicating, and PILs wonder if present has arrived, I don't think it's too much to ask to confirm the arrival. In our case, I think it would be still more likely that DH tells me and I will let my parents know, but we have not been uncontactable for a longer period of time yet, so guess that would be a different situation.

Yes the son should be taking the responsibility for his side of the family, but if he doesn't is it not just common courtesy for the DIL to include the PIL in communications re children etc.

Would it also be considered just common courtesy for a son in law to include his PIL in communications re children, if the daughter herself does not take responsibility for her side of the family? I would rather claim this is not an expectation that is put on men.

What if you work away and you aren't around, would your husband just ignore it? One of my sons is away with his work and I think it isn't much for DIL to send a text to say, "present for Mary's birthday has arrived safely."

Funnily enough my sons and their wives thinks no one has an issue with it because I don't let them know how rude I think they are.

To be honest people are just a bit selfish nowadays. Yes the son should be taking the responsibility for his side of the family, but if he doesn't is it not just common courtesy for the DIL to include the PIL in communications re children etc. I consider it just part of the general household management that goes on. Too often now other people are left out or even hurt because someone is making a point about what the roles should be. In 30 years will anyone care, not likely, but the grandchildren will know that they never saw one side of the family.

Actually my SIL is really thoughtful, he doesn't need to remind my DD of my birthday but he certainly is considerate and appreciative of anything I do for them. I certainly have no need to slag him off for his actions quite independently of my DD.

If someone buys me a £120 present for my birthday I really wouldn't think it was too much of an effort to sign a birthday card to them.

This thread has made me think, I've always treated them all equally so the budget is the same for my own children, their partners and GC. Maybe if DIL can't have enough manners to even say thank you for a present I just shouldn't bother, spend £240 on her husband and nothing for her. I bet I'd get slagged off on MN for that although thinking about it I know the other MIL doesn't spend the same on my son as she spends on her DD. Maybe I'm just not being fair to my own.

But I would bet £500 that hardly any MIL’s sit slagging off their son-in-law to all their friends because her daughterhasn’t called for 2 weeks andhe, the SIL, hasn’t picked up the phone in her stead.

Funny, isn't it. Sons in law are not called selfish twats, entitled and lazy, root of family estrangement, blamed for deliberately letting relationships suffer and so on, if they do not take over facilitating their wife's relationship with wife's parents and relatives. 'Well of course I will remind my wife when her mother's birthday is.."

No, that’s not what they’ve said at all.

All due respect to you @TheolderIgetthelessIknow , but the issue that you have isn't with your DiL, it's with your Son.
Your son doesn't engage with you or your DH to any great degree any more as he has a wife now of his own and possibly his own children. It is not your DiL's job to maintain contact with her in-laws (i.e. you and your DH) if your son even isn't doing that.

Time to have a heart to heart conversation with your SON and leave your DiL out of the conversation (or get her involved and show that you do want to be involved in their lives but know when to back off and don't trample all over their boundaries) but you do need to have a conversation.

Just because someone in this relationship is a woman does not mean that all of the family related work falls to her. Unless having a male appendage stops him from lifting the phone and dialling, or texting, I can't see why the DiL is getting so much heat from you here.

Also, what if the wife also has trouble with life admin etc. (which is the case for me)? The fact is, for a lot of people in this thread, if men drop the ball on communicating with THEIR OWN parents, their wife gets the blame for not picking up his slack.

But I would bet £500 that hardly any MIL’s sit slagging off their son-in-law to all their friends because her daughter hasn’t called for 2 weeks and he, the SIL, hasn’t picked up the phone in her stead.

🙄 and the person has said their children don’t see that side of their grandparents, so there’s no need to worry.

But the children shouldn’t have attachments to people like this because the parents should have kept them away!

"They do things for me and I think it's basic human decency to offer them respect and acknowledgement in return."

So, in the event that in laws don't provide all the help that you received from yours, and as I've posted before 2 birthday cards in 3 decades, do I still need to be the one to facilitate the relationship?

So what? Grandparents can be terrible people too

Still the children’s grandparents

But they are in laws - so not people the poster loves. They sound horrendous.

That’s very easy to say when it’s not people you love. I have since learnt that my grandad was an alcoholic and had a difficult relationship with his children, but we grandchildren, never saw that side of him, and I am glad we got a chance to get to spend time with him.

I don't think DH has ever called my parents to thank them for gifts they sent to our children. Oddly, nobody seems to have an issue with that.

Is anyone suggesting a DIL should be in daily contact with her husband's parents. I must have missed that one.

Right, that was the most important point of my comment. Replace 'daily' with 'regular' if you wish. Or 'any'. Are men called twats if they are not calling, updating, sending cards etc to their in-laws? Never seen it. Never seen a single complaint that daughter's husband has not separately thanked wife's parents for gifts to DC either.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow if you think the relationship with your DIL is dysfunctional, you are allowed to take steps to change it. Is she even aware you are disappointed that you two aren’t close? Have you told her? Depending on her background/upbringing the sort of relationship you would like may be totally alien to her and therefore she wouldn’t even think to pursue it.
As said way upthread, my MIL and I operate at an amicable distance but if she ever reached out and said she wanted to see more of me, I’d be getting dates in the diary. As it currently stands I’ve always been aware that I’m welcome because I’m her son’s wife and the mother of her grandchild but there’s nothing she particularly values about seeing/spending time with me.
You’ve had a rough ride on this thread and it would bruise most people but please think about being more proactive in developing your relationship with your DIL or, be really honest that she’s a “nice to have” but it’s your son and GC you really want to have time with and take it up with him.

Does she need to sign the card or does he write it from all of them? I write cards from
all of us - DH doesn’t come out to sign it

I think if you have a relationship with DIL eg you actually see her face to face, of course she should also say thank you for some of this. But there is probably also an assumption that DS is thanking you on her behalf! DH doesn’t thank my family when they buy stuff for the children - I do. I’m thanking on everyone’s behalf. Gifts specifically for her require thanks, as does the buggy (not sure you can blame her for the cost of the buggy, people are going to get the best one/one they want if possible).