'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

My husband used to speak to his mum constantly on the phone, and visit her , she lived a long way away. I did do cards, flowers and presents - with his input -for her however, it just kind of happened, she was a lovely lady and I never minded. I miss her .

I agree @ssd it's depressing how in 2024 some people think this is women's work and they are the default for keeping family life running smoothly. It's depressing how many men either don't care or don't see it as their job.

I remind DH when "his side" family birthdays are coming up, but it's then up to him to get a card/present/book a meal or whatever. Actually I sometimes make a handmade card for MIL because she likes them.

He does other "life admin " stuff to make up for me keeping track and reminding him. If he didn't, I wouldn't give him the reminders.

Men need to stop being allowed to opt out of things, it is not your DIL responsibility and I have boys. I used to remember birthdays l, organise meeting up etc for in-laws but I stopped years ago and we hardly see them now (to be fair we didn't see them that often to begin with). DH isn't bothered so neither am I. MIL never messages to see how we are and if they ever had to cancel arrangements that I had made they would contact DH so I have left them to it!

It is of course the son's responsibility and fault if he can't be bothered. However, if my MIL was a really nice caring person and a good grandmother to my children I wouldn't let her be upset because of my DH's ineptitude. I would buy her a card/flowers, whatever, for her birthday or Christmas. I'd look at it as being beneficial not only for a nice woman but also for my children's grandmother.

Indeed. Well done DIL.

I also do all the card and gift buying. I have virtually everyday free and dh works crazy hours . And mostly because I enjoy it. I love shopping for others.

It sounds like you’ve taught your DC that keeping in touch with family is women's work and mothers of sons are less important anyway - hence your daughter not interesting in her PIL and your son not interested in you.
How was your relationship with your in-laws?
The modern world (thankfully) no longer expects women to be the glue that takes on the strain of holding the entire family together. You need to have a word with your son and make sure he understands that. It’s his job (and yours) to maintain your relationship, not your DILs.

Dunno why that highlighted.

I speak text or see my parents daily they're separated
We also see PIL weekly. I'd message them probably 2x week and dh rings them min 1 x week. Mainly as they share a particular interest.
Guess we're all pretty close.

It’s not that I refuse to have contact with my in-laws, but my dh just does his side and I do mine. He’s very good at sending cards/arranging meet-ups etc , better than me tbh 🫣

Out of curiosity @TheolderIgetthelessIknow do you pull your daughter up for not bothering with her in laws?

With all due respect, I’m not sure your son cares much

I agree, it's not my job to buy presents for my husband's family or remember birthdays etc, it's his. He managed before he met me so he can manage after! And he does, with no input from me.
Amazing what men can do when they put their minds to it

This!

Christ this is depressing.

You've bought your son up to be lazy and unthinking about what matters to you.

My brothers are the ones who communicate with their siblings especially their younger ones like me.

When my parents were alive they would buy them presents not their wives. The few presents and cards my brothers wives chose my parents could tell. There as if I or one of my sisters was involved it wasn't so obvious.

My DP deals with his family and close friends. I may suggest something if he's stuck but he buys it and vice versa.

Blimey, some harsh replies here.

I am all for not taking on the mental load, but I actually like my in-laws as people and as friends, so I am very happy to send birthday cards, Whatsapp and communicate with them, just as I would with my mates or my own family. (That doesn't mean I take on all responsibility - the one thing I leave entirely to DH is the mother's day card.)

I think it would take more effort for me to deliberately NOT acknowledge a birthday or an event in my ILs life. It's totally natural to ping a message or an invite. But I do it in tandem with DH - he also is communicative with his family (and mine actually).

It sounds exhausting to divide up the chat in 'his and hers' like this.

My MIL doesn't get it either. She believes men should do nothing beyond their paid jobs, and has taken me aside in the past to ask me what I am doing about DH's salt intake. It's a completely different mindset.

So you seem to be saying that because generally men don't do this (ie your son) that his wife/girlfriend should pick it up?

Why? Because you think it's a woman's job? Because women are 'better' this stuff?

It's amazing that men can hold down jobs, do their hobbies, organise boys golf weekends etc but evidently remembering their own parents birthdays or organising a family gathering is sooo difficult! More like they can't be bothered, or maybe they think it's beneath them?

I've never done this stuff for my DH, they are his family, he knows when their birthdays are and what they like etc. The fact that he's not once sent a card or gift is a poor reflection on him as a person. Your son is the one you should be speaking to if you are unhappy.

I did the wife work for quite some years despite contributing 50% to all the bills and working full time. Got to a point early 40s where I said to DH, no more. You buy your mum her gifts, same for your dad and your nieces and nephews.

He rarely bothers. Not my problem but goodness it freed up a lot of my mental time and energy.

Same with Christmas, no cards to his side. Up to him.

My DH was responsible for communicating with his family before we met and I saw no reason to change that after we met in our late 20s. Why would I take on that work? It's up to him to deal with his family.

How did your son get to be this lazy - following in his father's footsteps? As a child, didn't the two of you nudge him to think about mother's/father's day presents, birthday presents, the lot? Any way his childhood experience differed from his sister's?

Lovely people on here😅- the type who yes, would most definitely comment on posts and say ‘you don’t like your mil? Where does your dh stand, they should be backing you!’ I’ve seen it in family before, dil and mil aren’t close so everything is done with the other side of the family. It could be either, it’s as likely to be your son and probably more so, you need to invite him- chat to him, let him know and get to know her better too!

It’s your son’s job to manage his family’s relationship with his parents NOT his wife’s .

In modern families wives do not take on all the ‘wife work’ and expect the husband to pull his weight.

I love my MIL but was quite irritated that she was unhappy not to have received birthday cards expecially when she usually travels and expects her card to be sent 2 weeks early. That is her son’s job. My mum would have her card waiting on her return or a lovely phone call on the actual day….