'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Harsh but true.

Your view of being shocked that the wife isn’t willing to take on this responsibility is old fashioned and sexist. Should she also greet him at the door wearing an apron and a freshly baked cake?

You shouldn’t be shocked at the fact women won’t accept this responsibility you should be shocked at the poor excuses of men who find it acceptable not to have a proper relationship with their families.

Why would you be shocked at women not just lying back and taking on even more of a mental load and more responsibilities than they already have.

Their husbands are not their young children and not their responsibility. If the husband doesn’t have the decency to contact HIS family members for any reason including birthdays, anniversaries etc why should it be down to his wife who already has enough on her plate dealing with those responsibilities for her own family and presumably every other job to do with the household and childcare going by the fact that her husband hasn’t got enough about him to have responsibility to contact his own family.

I buy birthday cards for mil because I want to and also my husband would forget

I send her pics of my daughter on WhatsApp as she loves to see them and we get on fine .

guess it would different if we didn't get on 🤷🏻‍♀️

@EnterFunnyNameHere I agree with you completely. I used to join my DP on every visit to my In laws until I twigged that he hardly ever came to see my family, since then I join him every 2nd or 3rd visit and feel no guilt whatsoever.
Once again the expecting wives/partners to oversee present buying all comes from when women stayed at home, men went to work and their wives were expected to do all the family stuff. It's amazing really that although people acknowledge, and even expect, women to go to work now they still think women should do all the old, traditional women's work.

I do all cards, presents and post regular photos and updates to both family whatsapp chats.

However dh also phones his parents at least twice a week and also shares photos he takes with both families.

So, you expect "wife work" from your DIL but don't think your son should have to lift a finger? Why?

I always organised any necessary cards etc. for my side of our family and expected DH to take care of his. With a few incidences of forgetfulness, he normally has. Why would you think that I should have done it?

The problem is your son not your DIL.

No reason why you can't make the effort with her. Compliment the children say she's doing a good job. Compliment her etc. Send a text asking how she is. Send a happy Mother's Day message etc. I would make an effort for a MIL like this but I would not for one who expects me to initiate everything

Most women I know already work. Why would you expect a working person to take on yet another job of social secretary/present monitor, just because your son can’t be arsed to do it?!

And today's superpower my vagina gives is being someone's unpaid secretary. And this attitude among women is our biggest threat to equality.

Exactly how does having a penis impede you in making calls, visiting, testing. Stop with the 1950 bullshit excuses.

All my mothers brothers who didn't marry managed it, they are 80-90 now managed to keep a relationship because they were brought up seeing their dad do it. Honestly I absolutely despair sometimes.

I'm not particularly trying to be adversarial but in response:

A) men are probably bad at keeping in touch because society tells them it's fine for the woman in their life to pick this up. They seem fine socially/keeping in touch when it's organising things with their mates/hobbies.

B) by the token that the in laws are wider family now, why is there absolutely zero expectation that men will make any contact with their in laws? I don't think anyone has ever made any pointed comment at their son in law for a lack of stepping up when it comes to comms!

In some relationships, balance is achieved through splitting of tasks, and I can totally see equal relationships where the woman takes on the family comms. But in many (majority) of cases, it's all give on the part of the woman for domestic drudgery, all take by the man. And whilst it's hard to drop cooking/cleaning etc (especially when that might effect kids), can you blame women for pushing back on being the conduit to the in laws?!

I think expecting a DIL to be the ‘social secretary’ for your son, arranging gifts/ visits/ celebrations is quite old fashioned. If your son wanted a close relationship with his family, he should curate one, not expect somebody to do it on his behalf.
for a number of years I tried to accommodate these jobs, but it was never appreciated by my partner and MIL would pick holes in things. In the end i said no more.
for a few years after my MIL repeatedly complained that she never heard from us or that she never got gifts for birthdays, Christmas etc, but i always used to reflect it back by saying ‘what did DP say when you said that to him?’
she eventually got the hint. My advice is if you want a closer relationship with your son, start a dialogue with him, not moan about your DIL.

I remember throughout my own childhood my DM made weekly, hour long phonecalls to her own MIL. She would arrange every single card and present for my DF's side of the family too. She was a housewife, with a heck of a lot of time on her hands.

I don't think I've phoned my MIL in almost 10 years of marriage, and I wouldn't know her birthday without checking. She's perfectly nice, but I have enough on my plate to deal with with work and the kids. It sounds cold but if DH doesn't get in touch with her, that's his problem, not mine.

I don’t ‘do’ DH’s side of the family. I have enough of my own -parents, grand parents, 3 siblings, 7 DN/DN partners etc

DH has DDad, Dsis and 1 nephew.

Cant physically do it all.

Have to say the visits stopped when I insisted DH sort bedding and clean the spare room before visits and sort out food shops etc - I was run ragged with his ‘plans’

Funny that.

My partner keeps in touch with his side of the family. Or he doesn’t. I don’t really know actually unless I’m involved in it, eg in a party or something. Not my responsibility.

I used to do cards for both of us. And then I stopped. Now my husband‘s family barely get cards. When we meet up with them, and they are lovely, I say that he is now in charge and if they don’t get cards, it is down to him. They take it in good humour. I have a son and daughter at University. Both are excellent at keeping in touch. I would be really surprised if my son loses contact with me as we are very close.

Don’t you dare blame your daughter-in-law OP

The question for you, is why does your daughter keep in touch with you regularly, but your son, not? What is the difference - is it down to different expectations from you when they were growing up? Or something else?

oh god. I arrange everything on behalf of my manchild ex as he uses his mental health issues as a reason not to do anything ever. Sadly his elderly mother who lives abroad would never receive anything from him or our DD if I didn't. It drives me potty but I care more about her happiness than I do about doing it - nothing will change if I stop doing it and he won't magically start doing it. WTF is wrong with men.

This.
DH rings his parents on Sunday nights and might occasionally email him something of local (we live close to FiL's hometown, my PiL live 150 miles away). They are all happy with this level of comms. My PiL do not use mobile phones or social media. My PiL have also requested no presents. They much prefer a visit for ducal occasions - fortuitously they both have birthdays in school holidays!!

I'm in touch with DM most days via various WasApp groups, text etc, and see her a few times a week but she only lives up the road. She also lives alone. My PiL are much more insular.

Absolutely.
I'm in my 50s and when I got married, it was made clear that DH was responsible for keeping up communications and making arrangements with his side of the family.
I get on very well with them and do spend time with them of my own volition but birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and the relevant arrangements are for him to sort out.

Stop excusing lazy men.

Lot of weird relationships we do cards pressies together. What happened to being a couple sharing? If both get on with both sets of in-laws why not? Obviously if relationship with in-laws is bad that’s different. Then would expect the other half to sort it out. Maybe I’m just very lucky with my daughters in laws and my sons. They all keep in touch.

Yes, it's much more of a shared thing now. Most women now expect their DH or DPs to actually pull their weight and not be another child to care for. It's his responsibility to remember important dates and events for his side of the family. It's his responsibility to arrange and manage the meeting and plans for contact with his family. If your DS is not doing this for you then it is all on him not your DIL.

Most women have enough on working, caring for their family and managing their homes, without having to manage their DH and inlaws too.

You have a DS problem, not a DIL problem. If he is too lazy to manage his children's time so they can have regular contact with you then you need to take it up with him.