'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

But you're still expecting another person to make your son maintain your relationship. It's not fair and it's insulting. It's not her job!

I'm sorry your son is so shit but it's on him and him alone. You could talk to him and tell him how you feel. You and him alone can resolve this.

Letting men get away with the bullshit argument that they're not good at keeping in touch or buying gifts is ridiculous.

These blokes are able to have jobs, pay bills, run their lives in other ways so they should be able to send a message or buy a card.

If my husband asked for help choosing a gift for his mum, of course I'd help but I'm not responsible for reminding, cajoling and doing all the work.

How nasty and utterly uncalled for

She could always get in touch with her son and arrange to visit/see grandchildren etc?

She also needs to see that society has changed and women who are bringing up DC are often also working full time, probably also doing most of the work at home and even if they're not, doing their partner's share of life admin is way down their to do list.

There's a book about this that you might like to read OP

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729/ref=sr_1_1?crid=R2PI7Z43KHLL&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.XypkMfibhefxuXh0zkuvP9cwtaMvD1IxpV1iSN4BKdI.UEF4o9_SROnvmOLlh11IBpnaINvEuiNJJaHlldPbDuI&dib_tag=se&keywords=wifework&qid=1718042643&s=digital-text&sprefix=wifework+%2Cdigital-text%2C91&sr=1-1

What..like their son is?

Not my problem. If her own son can't be bothered to make sure she doesn't miss out I don't have the energy to pick up the peices. I'm trying to hold down a career, keep the house going, look after my own parents and not burn out.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow I'm completely with you, OP. This new trend of shunning the in-laws because "why shouldn't we?!" is just cold. They've joined a family so be prepared to be an active part of it!

It is definitely a thing that a lot of us are refusing to take on that role now, so much more likely to be your son’s laziness. It really is nothing to do with how we feel about our in laws, I adore mine but most of us are overwhelmed as it is with the mental labour of just ensuring our kids have what they need on top of careers etc and it feels unfair this is loaded on us too. Obviously it would be different if our DPs were actually unable to for whatever reason due to disability etc

Harsh but fair. Your DD and DIL are likely on here where they are told daily to cut the in law family out of their lives, not invite them to things and families are split into ‘his and hers’

In my reality though every guy close to me including my partner and brother have been brought up to know that all family is important, not just the wives family, so relationships have continued after marriage. In laws all get on together and nobody is shut out

So a lot of it is down to upbringing and also your DS not having a backbone to speak up if his wife is trying to cut your family out

No, you need to open your mouth and speak to your son about it.

OP the problem with your generation is that lots of women burnt out with the "mental load". I can't have a career, take care of my kids, take care of my wellbeing, while also taking responsibility for another family.

I have witnessed my mother crumble under the pressure after working 50 hour weeks, doing everything at home on top and being blamed for everything by her in laws. I want none of that in my life.

I really like my in laws, and my contact with them is minimal. DH is in charge of organizing everything with his side. DH never organizes anything with mine. I never organize anything with his.

It's down to the son though, not the DIL.

I love my MIL to bits, she's a wonderful grandmother to my DC, raised a great son, a very supportive MIL to me.

She's not my mum though. I'm very close to my mum, talking to her is talking to my closest friend. Remembering her birthday is easy because I've known it forever.

I'll poke DH to order something for MIL and to make sure we see her, but he can do the actual work, I do enough.

My MIL thought that keeping in touch, remembering birthdays etc would be my job.

She'd already got one DIL who did absolutely none of this, so why she thought I would is a mystery.

Anyway I didn't do it, some birthdays were forgotten and it was clearly my fault so for Christmas she gave me a 'Birthday Book' so I could write all the birthdays in and remember.

This was a major mistake on her part as I went from 'not that keen' to raging hatred of her.

Time mellows things so 10 years on, if I am buying my DM flowers for Mother's Day, I'll book flowers for MIL too. She hasn't really admitted that I do it rather than her beloved son, but the fact remains the flowers didn't turn up until he got married.

I blame both his parents, not just MIL. It's definitely up to Dads to model to their sons that you phone your mum once a week and remember family birthdays.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing…

But why are their men useless at this sort of thing? There’s really no excuse and often the useless blokes are enabled by a silly woman picking up all the shite.

If my husband elected to be useless and thoughtless to his lovely mum, he could crack on. I wouldn’t be trying to cover it up.

"Hi son. I'd really like us to have a weekly catch up call where I can hear what's going on with you and the kids. When is good for you?"

"Son, it upsets me that you don't remember my birthday. It makes me feel like you don't care. I'd appreciate a card next year."

Why not just let it drop? I certainly stopped doing all of the family Christmas cards years ago. It was wife work. There were dozens of them, mostly DH's family and it took forever. It was a horrendous chore.

DH swore blind that he would definitely do his side of the family if I stopped. So I stopped putting myself through it years ago. He has never sent any.

All I send now are cards to my mother and sister as they are the only close family on my side. DH has ambitions to send them to his very much larger wider family but never has. Completely up to him.

Just because you were willing to infantisize your DH by doing it for him, doesn't mean everyone else has to. If DH doesn't buy his mum a birthday present, that's on him (and a bit on PIL for not teaching him better). If I do it once, because he 'so busy right now' or 'has a lot on his mind', then the learned incompetence kicks in, and I'd be either stuck doing every time, or the bad guy for stopping. He's no less busy then me, and his time is no more important then mine, why should I do his emotional labour for him?

Do you also buy your DH's cloths 'so he doesn't look scruffy' or make his lunch 'so he doesn't go hungry'?

Because it isn't they are useless there isn't a brain difference there is a privilege difference!

Can you not recognise you raised your son to see women as less than, responsible for more? Stop the nonsense of men aren't social. Who the hell is in all the bloody pubs and golf clubs, they aren't typically women only are they? No they are men who are choosing to be there over doing the family thing.

Well you either suck it up or discuss it with him. His wife and sister manage to maintain a relationship with their parents, why can't he.

The thing is, in order for society to progress towards equality between the sexes, women do have to start pushing back against regressive assumptions like "men are useless at staying in touch/remembering birthdays/buying gifts". We know that men can manage these higher-order thinking skills when their work requires it. We know that they can manage normal social interactions when they want to, with their friends. If we want fairness and equality, then women do, at some point, have to drop the rope and let men take it up. If men choose to let their family relationships founder rather than step up and do these relatively easy and normal things, the fault is theirs, not their wives.

What do YOU do to nurture the relationships?

But it's your son's.... So ask him?

And if your son doesn't send you a birthday card or get in contact then you need to speak to him about it.

Explain that you are hurt by his indifference and ask him to do better

It sounds exhausting to divide up the chat in 'his and hers' like this

It sounds even more exhausting for her if she ends up doing his half for him as well as her own.

But why should they 'take on the responsibility'? If your son wanted to see you, surely he would? And if you want to see him, you 'take on the responsibility' and ask your own son to see him?