'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Op, as you are finding out, yes this is indeed a thing.

You are probably like me, from the generation where women were expected to work AND do all the shit in the home that a stay at home mum would have done - all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the running to after schools clubs and all the keeping up the social relationships.

The women who came after looked at that arrangement and concluded (correctly) that it was unfair and they weren't doing it,

And yes, it does mean that if the DH doesn't step up then he's left to fail, because they're not going to burn themselves out doing a double shift just because men (as a group) are lazy gits.

So he does his own laundry and his own ironing and if he doesn't then maybe he does have to wear a dirty unironed shirt to that important meeting but you can bet if you rescue him once the lazy guy will go it again.

Some men are decent men. A lot expect women to slave for them and have to be trained out of it be bring left to fail.

I'm divorced now. I spent fucking hours and hours and days and days building relationships with my exH's family. When he turned violent and I had to call the police and leave with my DD they didn't give a shit and they're already making nice with his new wife and replacement family. I really, really wish I hadn't bothered because they made really clear how much that relationship was worth.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

It has nothing to do with being ‘useless’. It has everything to do with men having observed from childhood that the kin keeping is ‘women‘s work’. Boys who grow up watching their mums making all the effort in family relationships whilst their dad sits back and chills will internalize the view that it isn’t theirresponsibility to keep up with their own family.

The cycle has to break at some point. Men HAVE to understand that keeping up with their families is their job. I bet your son isn’t useless in maintaining his relationships with work colleagues. You are the one who taught him (even if unintentionally) that he doesn’t need to make effort with family because it is a wife’s job. YOU made him ‘useless’. That is your issue to either deal with or work to correct. Nag your son to stay in contact. Tell him it hurts your feelings when he forgets to send you a birthday card. Ask if you can babysit the grandchildren. Ask for photos of them. Call him. If you want a relationship with him and his family, he needs to get the message from you that this is HIS responsibility.

Is it though?
She was part of raising him so part of the failure to raise him to be someone who cares about this stuff is hers.

Hand on heart did you always take him to get cards and gifts? Did you teach him that this stuff matters or did you do it for him? First of all he's too young so you do it, then he's a moody teenager so you do it, then he's a young man and far too busy so you do it then you realise you've been part of raising someone who thinks someone else will do it.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

Thankfully it’s 2024 and my generation won’t continue to do things expected of us, just because

Can you not see the inherent sexism in your post?

I mean, clearly you can't, but please stop asking us all to collude with it. It's frankly offensive.

This is a conversation for you and your son. You Dil has enough to deal with without also being your son's mommy and telling him to keep in touch with his mother. You are misplacing the blame and letting your son get away with not taking any accountability by saying dil should suck it up because you're innocent.
You need to take accountability for the relationship you have with your son and work on growing that.

The fact that you thought the other poster was unreasonable for not being the one to maintain ‘dads side of the family’, suggests to me that your son has been raised feel that it is not his job to make any kind of effort with his own parents.

Thankfully, women don’t have to put up with as much of this patriarchal cr@p as I’m sure the previous generation of women did.

All you can do is try to hold your son accountable for his laziness, or accept that you’re not going to have regular contact with your DS / DGC.

And it’s one thing to do these things because you love your In Laws family and a whole different thing to do it just because your husband won’t. Maybe the husband can try giving a shit?

were you close to him growing up? I often wonder whether it’s just a continuation of the relationship but everyone has more physical distance and are older

Hahahaha why the HELL would I go out of my way to do those things when the person who’s actually related to them, doesn’t give a fuck. Why would I waste my time writing birthday cards, sending gifts and doing whatever else when I have my own family to do that for?

Don’t look at your DIL, look at your son who clearly doesn’t give a rat’s bum

What?

I love my in laws. My husband loves his.

Being married does not mean I take on his responsibilities. He wouldn’t dream of taking over presents and cards etc for my family.

A decent man will remember birthdays and occasions and be capable of buying gifts and cards. And if he doesn’t? Tough. I don’t know any woman who’d take this on because she has she has a feckless and thoughtless husband.

It definitely has something to do with how they're brought up. Our DS keeps in regular contact with us, arranges visits etc but then again so does his wife, our DIL.
OP, does your daughter say why she has virtually no contact with her PIL? I'm going to guess that it's for the exact same reasons as many posters have said earlier.
Not allowing your DS to get away with only being in contact when he wants something would be a start.

It sounds even more exhausting for her if she ends up doing his half for him as well as her own.

I am genuinely perplexed that this is such an issue. Are you all saying that you loathe half of your family? Your children's grandparents? Because the churlishness on this thread is honestly baffling.

So you all think keeping in touch with the in-laws is 'for him'. So you are all implying that if it wasn't for you, your other halves would never contact their parents?! And tough luck any way, yeah, not my job. Dont give me the mental load...back off MIL. Not my problem. I'm too busy with the chore of sending my family a Christmas card. Get in line, Grandma.I work you know!

I'm not being disingenuous. I just honestly can't get my head around that. I just don't see my ILs as a chore, or even the mental load. They enhance my life. Same for DH with my parents.

I think Dads should model this behaviour for their sons. Women these days are bloody knackered, we spin so many plates and so no, I don’t take on the in-law admin, as I call it. I do have all their birthdays and anniversary’s in our shared calendar and I’ll remind DH the week of when I spot them but the rest is up to him. Quite simply, I’ve got enough to do!!!! But, he is very good at it all. He calls his Mum 2-3 times a week, sends cards, sends regular updates on the family, will send printed photographs over. They don’t live close enough to see them regularly but he does keep in touch well.

I think he is modelling great behaviours for our own boys. He makes a real fuss of my birthday and Mother’s Day and gets them involved (I’ve had some questionable gifts as he’s had them choose them themselves 🤣) - what was your husband like when your son was growing up? What did he see as a boy?

Why would I send a birthday present to a relative of my husband when he knows them far better and could therefore choose a better gift?

Why have you only selected women for this criticism? You say you criticise your daughter for not having more contact with her in-laws - are you also disappointed that your daughter chooses presents for you, rather than leaving it to your son in law?

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

I would never have married a man who was useless at "this sort of thing".

@curious79 that sucks that your man is indeed shit. Are you not repulsed by him? I would not go near such a terrible person.

How many men do you think are buying cards for their MIL's birthday? They've also married into a family.

My DH is one of the good ones and I doubt he could tell you the month of my mother's birthday.

My husband remembers the cards for both sides of the family. He's got a much better memory for dates than I have. Sometimes I buy them, sometimes he does. We're one family, after all. We both sign all family cards.

Yet I’m yet to see any in laws blaming their son in law for a lack of effort, funny how it’s okay when a son in law doesn’t bother.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

Stop blaming women for men's failures.

Well it's probably because rather than them "knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing", they actually know "their men" are totally capable of "this sort of thing" but choose not to bother with it. So it's not that your son is incapable of keeping in touch, it's that he can't be bothered. Sure, there are rare cases where people genuinely struggle with this stuff, but that's more ND vs NT than man vs woman, and a totally different situation. In those cases, those affected also struggle organising get togethers with mates, going to the pub, or attending their 5 a side footy league. You don't have to look very far on MN to see men's inability to do "this sort of thing" doesn't typically extend to things they actually want to do.

If you have an issue with being left out, you need to raise it with your son and put the clear expectation on him. Have a conversation that your hurt, and want to be more involved, and get him to resolve it. Reach out to him directly and regularly to ask for updates or whatever. Make it clear you expect him to maintain a relationship with you.

men are shlt. They love an easy life and anything they can get away with loading onto a female partner they will. My stepkids wouldn’t get a single present on their birthdays or Christmas unless I sorted it out.
as a parent in law woe betide you if your DiL dislikes you.

It depends really. I have a big family, all with children of their own and my parents are still going strong. DH just has DM, DSis and DN but I still get messages informing me of plans for birthdays, Christmas etc etc. We both work the same amount of hours so it's not like I have time to handle more than he does. I'm happy to participate but I'm not responsible for maintaining the family ties for him aswell as the 15-20 on my side. It's only 3 people and tbh he could do better.

Of course I remember to message them on birthdays, Mother's Day, send pics of the DCs doing cute things but I've made it clear to DH any plans or logistics sent my way will be forwarded to him. I do enough of the life admin, I don't have the bandwidth for picking up his slack. I feel like DMIL does expect more from me but that's 100% DHs fault. You can be guaranteed my family expect 0 from him.

Allowing a man to perform basic tasks in a normal, day to day manner is not 'shunning'. If a man doesn't care about people enough to stay in contact and buy gifts, that's between him and them.
Hopefully most men are no longer raised to be sexist slobs, and actually function as people who participate in families. 🤷🏼‍♀️
@EnglishBluebell does your husband buy cards and gifts for your relatives?

Eh no we married a man not the bloody family. It isn't a cult