'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I was perfectly happy to remember birthdays and buy presents for my husband’s side of the family for several years. Then my MIL was unspeakably disrespectful for me and never apologized, so I told my husband that he was now in charge of anything related to his side of the family, and any relationship our kids had with them. I don’t remind him about anything, my MIL no longer gets texts and pictures about cute things the kids are doing, and she went from coming to our house maybe eight times a year to two times a year (kids’ birthday parties).

I always felt I was being judged over gifts; one year I worked hard on a homemade present, and my MIL badmouthed me behind my back because it wasn’t finished until two days after Christmas. If she has eyes and a brain, she’s noticed how much less attention she gets from our family now that I’m no longer responsible for keeping her updated.

“ If I take it as read that DILs will not take on the responsibility of keeping in touch, what happens when sons can't be bothered? Do we grandmothers just have to suck it up and conclude, as someone said, it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?”

As others have said, no you don’t just suck it up. You talk directly to your son; say that you’d like to see him/the family more often; that he forgot your birthday so why doesn’t he treat you to a drink so you can catch up etc.

Both me and Dh were raised with the ‘women do the wife work’ model. When my kids were little I realised this was defaulting to me organising lots of the presents, cards, all the family socialising, ( especially at Christmas for some reason) and pointed this out to Dh. He recognised this was daft and took over his half of the organising. He is a capable grown up, and does a great job of managing his family relationships. I love my PIL and will pick up a suitable present if I happen to see one. Or suggest meet up if it’s been a while. But it’s not my responsibility. Which is why Dh is downstairs chatting to his dad on the phone and I’m not…

It's insane that people still think like this. I'd never expect my husband to buy my mum a birthday card from me so why should I do the same for his mum?

Luckily my husband is a functioning adult so never expected me to but his mum did start sending me reminders of random people's birthdays after we got married but I just replied and told her that I'd let her son know and she soon stopped.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. DH is good at keeping in touch with his parents but I also have a separate relationship with my PIL. I speak to them independently to DH, I wfh mostly so i do a lot of the admin bits like pick up FIL from the garage on MOT days (as he does for me) and we will ring each other for a chat and catch up. I am as likely to buy birthday or Xmas presents and cards as they are, I have no issue reminding him to do it too.
They are hugely involved with DD too, and help out with childcare. If I'm poorly they'll make us dinner and if they are away for the day I'll work from theirs to keep an eye on their dog.
I am also close to my own parents but they don't live close by - my relationship wouldn't change with PIL if they were though.
I am lucky though, I have really lovely PIL who I genuinely like.

I’m so glad to read the responses here. I’ve always felt like a complete bitch for not doing the organising for DH’s side of the family. I’m not close to them so it wouldn’t be natural for me to text and arrange meeting up.

I organise to see/ book holidays with my family, buy and send cards and presents, invite to birthday parties etc. This morning I was making fathers day cards with dc for DH and my dad and asked if we should make for FIL but DH said he would sort something (he won’t).

It’s only fair it’s split 50/50 so the blokes sort their families out and the women sort their families out. I’m perplexed that women are expected to take in law communication on in addition, when they usually have their hands full.

I suggest you initiate more contact with your son so that he is more mindful of birthdays,

I'm a bit torn on this one because I don't think as a DIL it is your responsibility to ensure that your husband keeps in touch with his side of the family. We have our own families to keep up with, and they are grown adults who should be capable of putting effort into their family relationships.

That said, I go over and above with my MIL even when she displays very challenging behaviours because I respect her a lot for how she raised my husband, and she is a fantastic grandmother to our daughter.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow PLEASE, read and absorb this post.

100% accurate @sprigatito totally agree with you 🌻

I adored my MIL but I still left it all to my DH. He did all the communicating and birthdays and Christmases etc because he’s a grown up and he cares about his family. And that’s why I married him!

The MIL misses out because she and her son’s father raised a lazy man (or one who isn’t close to his parents) who won’t keep in contact with his family.

As you sow, so shall you reap.

I keep up with my side. My son keeps in touch with me. My brother keeps in touch with our parents.

I used to keep in touch with DH’s side until I realised how unvalued I was, and that PIL seemed to think it was my duty rather than a kindness. Now DH is in charge of contact. For the first 5 years at least there was bugger all but he got better eventually.

Yep it’s not your daughter in law’s job to update you on the children and arrange visits, it’s your son’s. My husband arranges things most of the time with his parents, rather than me. Sometimes my MIL emails me about birthday lists etc which is fine as it’s me that keeps track of that kind of thing. I like my in-laws but it’s not my job to keep in touch with them.
Tell your son that you’d like to hear from him more.

This isn’t true though - this is all about the MIL/mother relationship.

my brothers are very close to my mother. They call her and they message her daily, and see her weekly. Sometimes their wives come along, sometimes they don’t.

my mother has created and nurtured this relationship with him. DH has a better relationship with her than with his own mother, who is difficult at best.

it is lazy to just blame the DIL for an issue. It’s either to do with the mother/son dynamic, or the MIL has been difficult and unpleasant. How many well raised and loving boys who love their mother would actually just marry a nightmare? Very few!

No one is saying that. They're saying that if a woman can buy her own mum and dad a birthday card why can't a man do the same with his own parents?

I don't think it's a "young mum" thing. I'm in my late 50s and been married for 30 odd years and I have never done this kind of thing. Nor have most of my friends.
The first year we were married my MIL phoned me and berated me for forgetting her daughter's birthday. I told her I hadn't forgotten because in order for me to have forgotten the date I would first have had to know it, and that the person she needed to direct her ire at was her son. That was it, last conversation on the subject.
When my parents were alive if I was in a shop buying mother's or father's day cards anyway I would pick up a second one for DH but since mine are both dead now I don't go on a special journey to buy for my PILs. I married a grown up and he can take care of his own family responsibilities.
I have nothing against DH's family but they're his, not mine. In reality, if he died or left me I think it is massively unlikely I would keep in touch with any of them. DH speaks to his parents several times a week and his siblings a bit less often. He doesn't need me to facilitate their relationships - he can do that all by himself. It's ridiculous to blame women if their husbands can't be bothered with their own family.

You forgot to mention the most important point. Women are often already doing a vast amount of things to 'assist their men' like childcare, looking after the house all while working and bringing in a wage. Is there a reason you missed this out?
Edited for terrible spelling.

I’m sorry that it’s harsh @TheolderIgetthelessIknow but you reap what you sow.

If you’d set higher standards for your son then he’d behave better. It has absolutely nothing to do with your DIL. I am raising my daughter to expect equality. I don’t run around after my MIL and won’t expect DD to either. Men will only behave better when society demands it of them.

Again, the lazy men should be putting in the work to keep the relationship harmonious. If it gets ruined, it's on them.

My DH doesn’t sort out gifts/visits for my family so why would I for his?.

You need to talk to your son about it tbh. Your DIL doesn’t really have to do anything about it and it wouldn’t be fair to put it on her. DIL’s only really do it if they cultivate a relationship separately from their DH with their MIL and they really like you.

I think that is a drastic summation of my post and a pretty poor excuse for ruining what might be a pretty harmonious relationship.

I'm afraid that you reap what you sow - if your son can't be bothered to talk to you, it's really not on your DIL to add to her to-do list to do it for him - unless she considers herself your friend separately that is?

my ex-not-MIL (never married) I used to manage most of the comms with, even after the split, but then it turned out that she'd come to visit her son, but not popped in to see her grandchildren, so I stopped all that. She clearly didn't consider me a friend, so she can deal with all contact through her son (so very little) I feel sorry for my kids, but I'm not manufacturing a relationship where the other side clearly can't be bothered to have one. I have enough on my plate without doing the running for both sides on that too.

Your son has learned this behaviour from you. You showed him that it's a woman's job to think of everyone. Thankfully, more women are waking up and realising they have enough on their plates with the menchildren alone, nevermind sorting out everything for his family.
So yeah, you either pull him up or suck it up.
Thank God attitudes like yours are vanishing.

Why would your husband forget his mum's birthday and you don't? Does your husband also send pics of your daughter or does he leave it to you?

I think you should talk to your son and tell him you'd like him to make more of an effort to keep in touch.
While I agree that it isn't a dil's job to keep in contact on behalf of a lazy husband, I can't imagine not doing anything for in-laws.
In my family we are all on the family group chat, liking photos, wishing each other happy birthday etc - it doesn't have to be a big onerous task.
It comes down to whether people want to feel part of a bigger family group, where they are all connected or prefer separate family relationships where you don't feel in-laws are family at all. Not sure either is right or wrong but it is is nice to remember that even if you personally don't love your in-laws, they are still your children's family and worth making a bit of an effort for

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum - ''You've set the bar very low for your son because of your sexism and now it's biting you.''

This sums it up perfectly.