'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I feel for you but it’s really not ok to put this on your DIL. If your son can’t be bothered why should she pick up the slack? If you don’t want to miss out - then you pick up the slack. You arrange calls. You ask for his phone and put in a weekly reminder to call his mother (this may be a bit passive aggressive but if it were my brother it would be as simple as he needed a reminder) - make your displeasure/disappointment known - politely - but to him not your DIL.

I think it's a bit harsh to say it's a parent's fault if adult dc don't make an effort to keep in touch. This doesn't account for their own personalities.
You can raise 2 kids the same way and still have different outcomes.

@NerrSnerr he would never forget her birthday but he would forget a card or leave it to the last minute .

i am the sort of person who will go to a card shop and buy cards for the next 6 months 🤦🏻‍♀️

yes he does also sends pics and sees his parents most weeks, mostly without me as we work opposite shifts for childcare

Well I'm over 60 and I don't buy gifts for DH's siblings for their birthday. He had his own home before I met him and managed to buy cards and gifts then - I don't think getting married causes a black hole in the 'remember your sisters birthdays' part of his brain!

I’m very close to MIL so I keep her updated if needed but my husband is pretty good at remembering birthdays etc and we see his family (and mine) pretty much weekly. However, if we weren’t close and my husband didn’t actively make an effort why would I? I’m not saying there is but have you considered there are other reasons other than your son is a man and they’re all rubbish at this?

Well did your son grow up with the example that all family interactions are instigated and nurtured by you while your DH was allowed to get away with being useless at that sort of thing while you took on all responsibility for it? If so, you do have yourself to blame.

I don't think your DD and DILs take on this is just generational. DH and I are in our 60s. He has always taken responsibility for birthdays and Christmas for his side, though sometimes we discuss what to get and pool ideas.

I find it depressing that women who are presumably a similar age to me, have brought their sons up to expect a woman to run round after them and look after them. I hope to goodness my adult DD will not put up with any of this shit when she gets a partner. Hopefully having grown up with a Dad who doesn't expect this himself she will set higher standards

This is a fantastic point I had never even thought of

Aside from anything else OP, would you actually want a duty Mother’s Day card, birthday present etc sent by your DIL with no input from your son whatsoever?

I’d be pretty upset if, in 30 years, DS can’t be fucked remembering and celebrating my birthday and I just get a card in the post sent out of social obligation from his current partner. DS is my son, I would get absolutely no pleasure from a card sent by somebody else because he didn’t care enough to bother and his girlfriend felt sorry for me.

Completely agree with this.
Why on earth should the women 'be in charge' of this? Why?

And yes you as grandmother lose out, perhaps talk to your son about this?

This old fashioned perception that a DIL 'joins' her DH's family is the problem. A DIL and your precious DS make their own family and therefore you shouldn't see a starring role for yourself in that mee family. If you raise your DS to be kind and they had a DF who demonstrated kindness and consideration then they'll follow suit. You reap what you sow and you have to stop whinging when your DS starts to disappoint you.

You could be me too. Mil could have apologised but instead again dug her heels in and insisted she never said the things multiple people overheard her say. Tough tits. Because now she doesn’t see DH or her dgd anymore.

My DP doesn't know the birthdays of his 4 nieces and nephews and it does make me feel guilty that his sisters get my daughter presents on her birthday and it's not reciprocated from our side. But also I have enough shit of my own to sort that I can't take his life admin on too. I've actually been asking him to text his mum to get their birthdays so he can put it on the calendar and at least get a card out of the collection I keep for emergencies and chuck £20 in but he can't even be arsed to do that so why should I keep pestering?

That's nice, and you have a genuine friendship with them, so that's why you're happy to stay in touch. I contact my ex MIL and ex SILs because I love them and still see them as part of my family. But I never did while I was married to my ex because he did and it would r have been redundant for me to do so! I do now because I'm not married to him any more and we have relationships independent of the marriage.

But this means that the MIL misses out on so much, through no fault of her own.

Or there is a reason that your son doesn't bother with you? I know there's a huge reason my dH has no time for his parents.

My brothers make a huge effort to include my mum and dad. It's not all sons !

If she would sincerely apologize, I’d be happy to put this behind us. Right now I’ve agreed to come to family events at her house again (after a few years), but only because SFIL is dealing with cancer.

Husband: I’m glad you’re getting over the thing with my mom.

Me: I’m not over it. I just put it on the back burner. I still think she was horrifically rude and owes me an apology.

Still, she could apologize every day for a year and I’m still not going back to being in charge of communication and presents!

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow ‘knowing their men are useless’ there are no words. I told all of DH’s aunties to their faces that I wouldn’t be taking on wifework for him when we got married. I then had to explain wifework…

Luckily he has a good relationship with his mum and is an equal partner with regards to kids, housework etc - because he was never let off the hook just because he was a boy.

And to be quite honest, I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who blamed me for their son not keeping in touch anyway. Unreasonable behaviour, I can't be arsed with women who baby men.

Well, no. The MIL should actually put the blame where it belongs.

But how are the poor men going to learn to take responsibility for communicating with their parents, if someone else is always doing it for them, @TheolderIgetthelessIknow?

As long as the DILs out there are being expected to pick up the slack for their husbands/partners, they will have no reason to get off their bottoms and nurture their own relationship with their parents.

And it is perfectly possible for them to learn this - my sons all communicate with us, and wouldn’t dream of leaving it to their other halves.

What if your son never got married? What if he’d married another bloke?

I take on ‘new’ gift giving duties, because it’s something I enjoy and am good at. So nieces, nephews, friends’ kids.

But by the time we got married, DH has been buying his parents birthday presents, mother’s/Father’s Day, Christmas, etc. independently for about 15 years. Why on earth would he suddenly stop?

Honestly? Yes, if you gave him different messages and expectations while growing up about maintaining family relationships. Or you talk to him and tell him you feel hurt and left out that he never makes an effort. Why is it the DIL’s responsibility to intervene? I don’t care what kind of relationship my partner has with his parents to be quite honest. That’s for him to decide and maintain.

are you me?! We have exactly the same situation! Happy for you that you have also said “enough is enough“!

I think it's down to your son re cards and presents why is it always the dil 🙄

I use to do it all and I stopped because the mil was never grateful so that was my situation.

I actually enjoy buying presents for other people so I didn't have a issue but in the end I thought why bother.

He could do what most people do and put it in a calendar on his phone it's not hard.

Ah I see your position - so the woman’s
relationship with other people should be dictated and determined by the man. Interesting take.

I absolutely adore my in laws. If they get a heartfelt, thoughtful gift, it almost certainly came from me because DH has no creativity for his parents in that regard. If it’s a birthday and it’s going to be another chain restaurant voucher inside a generic card, that is son work. I interact with my ILs when I am inspired, but I don’t do the busywork. There is a difference.