'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I mean...OPs views do kind of correlate with what she has said about her sons behaviour...which does make it a reasonable assumption that the son has got his own attitude from his mother..as they both seem to think it is the woman's job to do...

I think it all depends on the family dynamics.

I love my PIL and my MIL is like a second mother to me. I speak to her on the phone, organise bday cards and if I'm out with the kids without DH (working) I will invite her...just as I would my own mother.

But I don't do this 'to pick up the slack' for my DH. I do this because I love her and want to hear how her holiday was or see the photos my FIL has taken on his drone etc.

My brothers wife is the same with my DM (so her MIL). She loves my mum and dad and will go over on her own with the kids, update them on things, just as my brother does

I also dont know anyone in my friendship circle who don't get on well with their PIL and have their own relationship with them, as well as their DH.

It's only on MN that I know of this. But perhaps we're all very lucky to have solid PILs

I always do the cards and presents for DH's family, probably because we had children very early on and they were quite involved. I know DH is crap with that stuff and just wouldn't get them anything, but they always got for me and the kids so it only seemed fair and polite. I've resented this a lot over the years, because it's a hassle and wife-work but I don't regret that I had a lovely relationship with MIL while she was alive (actually better than DH did) and was able to give her gifts (from the grandchildren, really) that made her smile. So I guess what I'm saying is, it's been worth it.

You what? I'm not my husband's PA so he can manage his own admin. Why on earth should your daughter in law be expected to deal with you whilst your son does shite all? Your misogyny is disappointing really.

I wonder what the correlation is between men who treat their Mothers like crap and are rubbish Dads and husbands? I couldn’t be with a man who wasn’t kind and thoughtful to his Mum.

But it's not "letting relationships suffer". It's letting them take a natural course.

Would it not be weird and pointless if you got more contact from your son because your DIL was pushing him (and probably damaging their relationship)?

Why not talk to your son?

And please stop telling off your DD for her relationship with ILs. That's between them.

It's 2024, I'm trying to be kind but I find it hard to get my head around what you've said.

Yes, @ABirdsEyeView but in this case the OP has raised a boy and a girl into very outdated sexist roles. And is irked that her daughter isn't facilitating her in laws. The irony that she doesn't expect the same from her son is sad.

OP, you’re obviously getting a hard time here (not that I disagree with posters, but it must be hard for you to read).

But I’d love to know - WHY don’t you just phone your son and talk to him about it? If he hasn’t texted you in a month, message him - “Send me some pics of the grandkids! It’s been ages! I like to know what they’re up to each week.”

With birthdays, if you know he’s crap and forgetful, message him the week before: “It’s my birthday on the 14th, can we meet up for a pub lunch? I’d love to see the grandkids.”

Talk to your son about it! Why haven’t you? Is it because he’s a man, and you think he’s too important to bother? He’s your child. Can you not talk to him about this stuff?

I can't imagine why I would send cards to my MIL. I'll sign them, but that's very much her son's job.

Would you expect him to buy cards and gifts for my mum? If not, why not?

Made it to six replies in before someone suggested it’s the Mothers’ fault. Of course Fathers play no role in the upbringing of their children.

This exactly.

I like my fiancé‘s mother. She’s rather lovely!

but I am not responsible for keeping up communication with her / my SO’s family. I will not remind him to visit her, buy her a present etc. I do not suggest that we visit and very rarely suggested we invite her.

why? Because I know that I’ll end up doing everything if I’m not extremely careful. She’d be calling me if my SO didn’t respond in time, make plans etc. Suddenly I’d be expected to remind him to buy cards (or even buy them). And I need to protect myself from taking on that kind of mental burden.

I am already used to this kind of dynamic with my family (my grandmother contacting me because my father doesn’t call her / respond, my aunt calling me because she and my mother are NC etc).
I will not allow that to happen again.

To late to edit, I meant son, not sonny. Sonny was autopopulate and I'm sorry because it reads really meanly which was not intended.

This. It is not the responsibility of your son’s wife to do the job you and his father should have taught him and your daughter to do.

Well clearly your son is perfectly capable of keeping in touch when he wants something from you so surely he should be at other times.
Yabu massively so.

I do not understand why you don't expect men to maintain relationships with their own family. I honestly don't. I'm pretty old-fashioned in many ways so I'm not coming at this from any particularly feminist perspective. It just honestly staggers me that you think it's acceptable for a son, a brother, a grandson, to not bother remembering birthdays and special occasions. What about single men - do you expect them not to bother at all, since there is no wife to remind them?

I'm not sure I'd be thrilled to raise a son to adulthood and then get birthday cards in his wife's handwriting and presents chosen by his wife. Better than nothing, by far, but that's a pretty low bar.

And if my husband couldn't be trusted to remember his own family's birthdays, I'd be pretty turned off. I don't want to live in a world of infantilised men.

This

Why is it DIL’s job though? Raise it with your DS.

Oh my god OP the internalise misogyny here REEKS.

Why in god’s name are you laying the failing of your son on your DIL?

Beggars belief.

Communication works both ways.

Sure OP, lets add more things to women and mothers ever growing lists of things to do and worry about.

I'd look at it this way... if your sonny's that inept woth you, thank god you don't have children with him. Perhaps seek out your daughter in law and offer as much support as you can because believe me, of he can't be arsed with you, he probably isn't a spectacularly useful husband or father. Not fair to expect or hope DIL does even more to pick-up his slack.

And from his father who could have role modelled better

But the OP is clear that she blames her DIL. Perhaps that’s the attitude where the Dil cba with her? It would be better to just feel disappointed in her son and talk to him about him making more of an effort

Why are you condemning the women for not taking on the gift giving/communication with their husband's family but giving the men a free pass to be useless?