'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Jeez
Yes. It's not my responsibility to keep in touch with my MIL or DH siblings....much as I like them it's hard enough keeping up with my family.
Women are overloaded with this kind of expectation- whereas men are not which is why they are far more relaxed and have time for "hobbies"

She has my kids numbers and they have hers. So they could get each others numbers if needed in an emergency. If she was with me his my ice contact without needing to unlock my phone. If I was with him he can unlock my phone and get her number. It’s just never been a thing that’s come up tbh. His never needed her number and nor has she his.

They have no relationship outside of me or the children though. His not going to ring her up to say ask babysit just as I wouldn’t ring his mum to ask for a baby sitter. Just as he wouldn’t go to hers for a cup of tea without me and I wouldn’t just call in at his mums on my own either.

So he couldn't call your family if anything happened to you & your mum couldn't call him if anything happened to you when in her company. That's awful.

My dh doesn’t even have the phone numbers of my family 😂 nor does my mum have his.

That is just a small part of it, you have to add them up to understand. My point is all the "it's his job to contact his family, nothing to do with wife" is ignoring the point that if there is any relationship with DIL and PIL and she accepts presents/financial help/childcare or whatever she should acknowledge that and not leave it all up to him.

I have bought Moonpig cards for people, a special card for a special occasion with something personal, but I get them sent to me and I sign them and post them.

I actually think the yougsters with a text or Whatsapp message is better than getting someone else to type a card and send it.

A text might sound more like it is from both but he phones so it does seem like he is thanking me/acknowledging the present even if he says she likes the present I don't feel like that means much because he wouldn't say she hated it.

As I said before I don't think she should do the communication for him, I do think she should do it for her.

DH & I are by no means wealthy. The money we do have is 'our' money which includes both our inheritance. We don't agree with 'my money' 'your money' in our marriage and would never refer to it as such.

How do you feel about Moonpig? You can order a card with a typed message in it, to be delivered straight to the recipient.

Neither of them would be hand writing or signing that card.

My DD "signs" cards on her own now. But either DH or I write them and sign from everyone. We are really busy with work, family, other commitments etc and so its much easier to write "love from Ipsy, DH & DD" and have DD scribble then shove it in an envelope and take it with me to post on the way to nursery and work, than to write half of that and get it in front of DH as well. DH usually writes them as he's rushing around to go wherever it is that requires the card, so he'll write "love from DH, Ipsy and DD", get DD to scrawl if she's around and then disappear.

You're putting way too much on which handwriting you see in a card.

Funny how many people see their inlaws money when inherited by their DH as joint money though!!

No the PP but no I don’t consider dh’s nephew’s mine. I do a bit of wife work though, Im a bargain hunter so if I see something I know they like and it’s near their birthday/christmas I will buy it and shove it away. Its then Dh’s job to make sure it gets to them

If he doesn’t bother then it ends up being a random party invite gift or stuck on eBay eventually. I don’t see his family without him so I’d never be able to just take it round (don’t drive).

Yes a phone call where your thanked or a text message would be appropriate. Again though some couples might text one for all.

“Hey mum/dad… Thanks for the lovely gifts. Wife loved her scarf, Tommy loves his train set, biancas not put her teddy down 🤣 and well little Bobby has created a storm of art work with those pens. That whisky is good might have to send dad a bottle. Hope you guys had a great Christmas, kids are all nackered now it’s been a long busy day, will call for a chat tomorrow”

i think this thread is sad… while I agree it’s not a woman’s ‘role’, we are talking fellow humans here..
When I met my first long term partner he barely talked to his mum, I encouraged him to move on and to speak to his mother, I found his parents somewhat difficult … not nasty at all but just opinionated - dysfunctional too.. he was one of 3 children and non spoke to one another, one never spoke to either parent either, one spoke to both parents and my then bf spoke to his dad but ignored his mum even though he lived in the house with them… when we first dated he’d walk in passed his mum and go up stairs or in the lounge and ignore her… I called him out for being rude and said I wouldn’t be ignoring his mum or sister and I used to chat to them while he got changed etc… his relationship with his mum did thankfully improve and after we bought a house together they’d visit us and we visited them reasonably regularly! I find it odd that women in here say they don’t even know their in-laws birthday or that their in-laws don’t have their numbers… I STILL remember my first partners parents birthdays 21 years after we separated… it astounds me that anyone wouldn’t know their in laws birthdays! I’m not saying women or men should do all the admin but why so far detached? I still sent Christmas cards for a year or 2 after we split, and sent his mum a card when his dad died probably 10 years after we split! Not because it’s my ‘role’ as a woman, but because for a few years they were a big part of my life.

My next serious relationship was my DH (now separated) …again his family and I didn’t have the best relationship… he couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with his family at all, only called his mam when he was drunk… If it was down to my exH non of his family would’ve ever got cards, as I was now part of the family and they sent cards to me and DD I bought and sent back!
I wonder if all these women saying it’s not their family and not their problem would be happy to not get cards or presents from their inlaws … if your children didn’t get anything….. if you all got written out of MIL’s will because you hadn’t bothered when she was alive… I wonder!

Don’t you see them as your nieces and nephews as well? Even though only by marriage.

Quite surprised and cheered to see the internalised misogyny martyrs are definitely in the minority (I know it's MN and posters here generally more attuned to this stuff but still). And at least one woman saved from an unthinking thankless task, hurrah.

Things make a difference, so my son has 3 kids and there's him and his wife, they live about 300 miles away and my husband is pushing 80 and disabled so we don't always, or even mainly see them face to face for birthdays certainly not all 5 every year. They always spend Christmas with her family so never see them for handover of presents then. I think a message becomes more important then.

The card in itself isn't a big issue, it is just part of a bigger picture. Truthfully it doesn't upset me, I have 4 kids who are great and the majority of the partners are, even my exDIL stays in touch. This thread just made me think about it and wonder why do I bother? I mean should I treat her equally or just think if she isn't bothered why am I? Not helped by not really enjoying present shopping and wondering if it is all a bit pointless, they have enough money to buy what they want so it isn't like when I was a kid in the 50s when rationing finished and being thrilled with just about anything. I could treat myself to something quite nice with £3,500 a year.

When I’m writing cards for my family I just put dh’s name in it. Wouldn’t cross my mind to pass him the card tbh. He does the same for his side.

To mum and dad

hope you have a great day

love from

Ohmy and Ohgosh

That’s as far as card writing goes. No essays or such.

presents are thanked verbally as handed over. We don’t write thank you cards.

I'm entitled to my view, I said I think the OPs son should be responsible for his relationship with his parents and by the same token DIL should be responsible for her relationship with them.

I think people just sign for their spouse now, honestly. I agree when I was growing up more people seemed to sign individually but cards have fallen out of favour and tbh if I had to wait for my husband to sign cards they would never get sent!

I think you need to either just say you’re disappointed by lack of thank yous, or just stop buying her stuff. There’s no point buying it if it’s upsetting you

Maybe it is old fashioned, I was brought up that it wasn't appropriate to sign for someone else.

But isn't that exactly what the OP and her ilk are arguing for? That it's the vagina-havers' role to sign / write thank-you notes / arrange social calendars etc. for penis-havers?

My sons aren't rude, they always phone/visit/buy appropriate presents/thank me for their gifts. It isn't my job to teach grown women about good manners, maybe their parents should have done that 30 years ago.

Just to be clear it isn't all of them, one will always thank me, one generally does and that's fine she's busy and I know it isn't personal, one doesn't. SIL and one or two DIL being great is a blessing. I guess out of 4 it probably isn't amazing if you are on a different wavelength to one of them. It must be hard if you have an only child and their partner is like this, you'd be left with "is it me or is it them" which is much clearer in my case.

I mean a card for my birthday not a thank you card. I never do joint gifts, my SIL and DsIL always get their own present.

Maybe it is old fashioned, I was brought up that it wasn't appropriate to sign for someone else.

But that’s on you! Why on earth wouldn’t you just tell them it’s rude?! Clearly they don’t think it is. He’s your son are you just not a parent anymore? He is not to old to learn about basic manners

I totally agree if you buy someone a present, they should say thank you. Absolutely.

I just meant if you’re getting thank you cards for joint gifts it’s pretty acceptable for one person to just sign for both. I don’t know anyone who signs cards individually

If my ILs ever bought me a present I would of course thank them myself, just as I would expect DH to thank them for anything they gave him and indeed the children to do their own thank yous once they were old enough. That is just good manners. But I don't think my MIL buying me a Christmas present obligates me to be the prime mover in maintaining the relationship between her and her son/grandchildren. Actually I have never had to as I married a fully functional adult in 1992 and I made it clear from the outset that I wasn't going to become his PA or social secretary. He's just as capable of picking up the telephone and putting reminders in his calendar as I am. Well, he's better at it in fact.
It's nothing to do with being rude to the extended family, cutting grandparents out of their grandchildren's lives or anything like that and everything to do with recognising that those grandchildren have two parents with equal responsibility for them. Being female does not necessarily make you better at social niceties or require you to be the default parent at all times. If an adult child is failing to maintain communication or excluding their parent then that is on them not their partner, whatever sex they are. * *