'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I spent the first few years of my marriage making an effort with my in laws but it was met with hostility. My female in laws were incredibly indifferent & rude so I gave up trying. I'm not saying that you are rude but there are different reasons why people don't continue with relationships.

If you answer nothing else... What have you done to address it with your son? Why would you not talk to him about seeing him?

What a maddening response! Will you be speaking to your son?

My brother is like your son. Will be all over mum when he needs childcare or money or their car, but then will go weeks without even a text message as sil prioritises their free time for her family and friends. This is despite mum giving her regular calls to check on her, being her rock in a way she was never with me after childbirth, and buying her birthday presents / christmas presents etc.

Things have gotten better as the kids have gotten older and insisted on doing things with their friends & now DNs talks to mum and arranges things with her seperately. But I think it’s because mum made the effort for so many years and so sil doesn’t have a bad word to say about her.

To me, however, mum was a narc and toxic and so I grey rock her. She does have a relationship with DS and DSD but it’s on my terms.

I'm a nearly retired mum and when I was first married I did the buying presents, cards etc for my in-laws. Then I stopped because I figured his family, his responsibility. He wouldn't have dreamed of buying my family presents or cards but was perfectly happy to leave his family to me. The breaking point was their ridiculous Xmas card routine. It was expected that each of my children sent a card to grandma, a card to grandad, a card to aunty and a card to great grandma. As my children were tiny I was buying 12 Xmas cards. That he then gave out. Frankly, I just thought fuck this.

My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all.
It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

If anything, your DIL sounds a much nicer person than your DS for not being such a grabby selfish user.

I think it is weird not to attempt to offer your LO equal access to their GPs on both side.
Yes it is sad if a man can't be bothered to facilitate the relationship between his children and his parents isn't it? (Assuming there's no good reason for that of course.)

Men aren’t inherently useless at these things. A lot of them just think it’s not their job. Even if it’s sending a card to their mum for her birthday.

exactly @DodoTired. It’s strategic incompetence as they say

I care about my in laws but I don’t take responsibility for sending them cards and gifts. Unfortunately my husband is less than good at remembering (even if I remind him!), so I get the cold shoulder. Don’t blame your DIL!

I get frustrated that it's always us making the effort, arranging to see in laws, suggesting dates etc.

The only way you can tell whether its her influence or not is considering his behaviour prior to them getting together?

I usually do all the christmas presents, because I love christmas shopping and my PILs. Also I no longer have my parents so it is nice to have someone to buy for. I remind my husband about birthdays etc, but he usually doesn't get anything as he usually forgets even after reminding him several times. I feel that as I work full time it is not my job to buy presents for every single birthday for my SIL and BILs.

The absolute worst thing about this thread is the son/daughter comparisons. It shouldn’t matter if it’s a son, daughter, son in law, daughter in law. They’re all adults and should send cards to, message and visit people they love.
The expectation that women should do this work is the fundamental problem. I would not arrange cards and gifts for any adult men or women in my life.

And yeah, men are not useless at these things. They can manage with these and other things at their work! They just choose not to bother with them because women always pick up the slack and because it’s socially acceptable for them not to bother

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL . So of course I keep in touch and posted about her life, my life and the kids life.

so makes it easy to want to do that . She is attentive and shows interest which is half the battle. Phone calls and visits are a delight.

That being said, we see my parents more because a) they live closer and b) I will always have a stronger bond with my parents

I think it is weird not to attempt to offer your LO equal access to their GPs on both side.

This. You need to speak to him about it, as I'm sure you would with your daughter if she didn't keep in touch.

Treat your children equally regardless of sex. Keeping in touch with you is nothing to do with their partners

I understand what you’re saying and I’m sorry you’re in that situation but can’t you see how unfair it is to blame the women and just accept that the men are “useless”? Men aren’t useless, men manage lots of things, but they’re also used to women picking up the stuff they can’t be bothered with.
I completely see why you are sad but any blame you’re placing with your DIL is misplaced. It’s sad that your son can’t be bothered.

I won’t do emotional labour like cards for my spouse’s side of the family. He’s never done a card for anyone on my side of the family so why should I?! It’s a feminist issue to my mind.

FWIW I really love my mother in law and she was first on the scene when my children were born (before my own parents) because, frankly, she has more chill than my folks. We love and see them all equally. My spouse is very good with birthdays etc generally - probably a little better than me actually - and understands about emotional labour etc. He also calls his mum every week. His sister doesn’t call or do cards. She’s actually very loving and great in other ways though.

Maybe it’s a comms issue too. I’ve never once invited my parents or in laws to stay with me. It wouldn’t occur to me. They all just come when they like. We don’t live super close and Id worry they’d feel obligated if they were invited. Maybe that’s daft on my part

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow

Why haven't you spoken to your son and told him how you feel, asked him why he doesn't contact you or send cards etc?

Do you not feel it is your place to do so, do you fear what he will say, do you think he just doesn't care?

I don't see why all the hand wringing over what the DIL does or doesn't do - he's your kid, you want a relationship with him, you need to talk to him!

knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing,
I am perplexed at this statement. My DH has always arranged things with his family to involve me and the DC, and seeing this example my DS does the same with us now.
You reap what you sow.

You just need to show more initiative in contacting your son/DIL for updates. Arranging visits etc

you don’t need to sit and wait all the time etc

This is my view as well. They are perfectly capable of doing well at work. They just can’t be bothered to do family gifts, and it isn’t acceptable that this just adds to the load that women take on. I fell into doing this when first married.

My SIL does not, however, and I admire her for it. My DB sorts out cards and gifts for our ‘side’ and always has done.

I now take a hybrid approach. I sort out DH’s SIL and our niece and her DC as I enjoy getting children’s things in particular, but DH is responsible for all the men and - crucially- his own mum. My DM is long dead and I have reminded (guilt tripped?) DH that he is lucky to have a mum and needs to get off his arse and choose a gift for her. I will remind him two or so weeks before. If he forgot, his DF I’m sure would tear a strip off him- he’d never do it again.

But that's the point, it really isn't their responsibility, it is the blokes responsibility to keep in touch with his own family.

Quite simply women are starting to push back on constantly picking up the slack for shit men, and more importantly being EXPECTED to pick up that slack.

If families have an issue with their sons being shit, they should take that up with their son NOT their daughter in law