'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

His behaviour is his responsibility. She can set boundaries for sure depending on what she is happy to accept. But his behaviour is not her responsibility.

Maybe I’m a bit of a people pleaser but if someone, say mother in law or sister in law sends me or my children a card, present etc I feel like it’s only good manners to send one back, if my husband’s forgetful he’s forgetful but why should I be rude and not reciprocate a gift or card when it’s their birthday/anniversary when they’ve been kind enough to remember mine. I think it’s just basic manners wether it’s my mother in law, a friend, colleague etc

I used to do it ALL, despite having abusive in laws. DH still got the cudos & thanks. Often I'd have to remind him 10 times to call!

It ended up making DH so thoughtless my 40th was met with with a 'so, what are you buying yourself?' and went off to work & then his hobby & couldn't understand why I was upset. He'd gotten the huge party he'd always wanted for his 40th.

So I stopped. I even had comments from MIL about how 'we'd' forgotten their anniversary (meaning me). I told her to talk to her son if he forgot as it's his responsibility. Oddly, she respected that & started putting the onus on DH.

DH started stepping up, because he was getting the pushback for forgetting instead of me. My MH has improved & my birthday now gets remembered. He's rubbish at gifts, but he remembers.

Men are perfectly capable & if we want equal relationships then we have to expect them! That's my rant, but for me it didn't just cover birthdays, but the entire mental load.

Personally I don't see it as "work" communicating with my family. Because when I married my DH "his" family became my family and vice versa.

Although to be fair he doesn't leave all the birthday cards etc to me we just do it between us. He might pick up some cards, I might do it etc etc If he just left me to do all of it that would probably annoy me a little, but I like "his" family and I think family connections are important for us and particularly for any children in the family so I would want to foster those relationships even if my DH was crap with it.

But I still send birthday and Christmas cards to my adult DS's lovely Nan and I split from his father when he wasn't yet school age.

"women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'."

That's because women got wise to "weaponised incompetence". Now please stop peddling the myth that men 'can't' care for others.

you've raised a thoughtless, mercenary son - and you expect the woman that's had the misfortune to marry him to compensate for his lack of empathy and manners?

Men are only useless because women let them be. Good for your DIL.

I used do do it and saw my smile do it for her mil whom was very unkind to her, but my df would never ring his dm or see her.
My dm did it and took me to see her.
I did it with dh parents, always encouraging him to call and pop in.
The moment contact lessons, it's my fault.

I should have left it how he wanted it at the start of the relationship.
I interfered and I set false hopes up.

She's enabled him to behave in this way. Once she stops enabling him, he might change. So far, she doesn't seem to want to stop enabling him. She's set the expectation and he's fulfilling it.

The father's not on here yapping about it, is he? Probably couldn't give a fuck, just like her son. She's reaping what she's sowed.

Are you blaming a woman for a grown man’s failings here? He’s an adult, capable of making his own decisions.

My SIL did this and surprisingly the only gifts I get (if at all) are obviously thoughtless and generic.

When I was younger my brother used to just sign his name on my cards, so I started getting "from your daughter" cards and it was never brought up. We get nothing from my dad at all.

So I 100% blame my parents for this. Luckily I don't really care about gifts I would rather a phone call, but my mum really does and it upsets her.

Why are you assuming men can’t learn to do better?

we currently have a bunch of grown up men who have watched their mum do all the admin, and that’s why they’re rubbish at it - they don’t think it’s their job. But at least if the women aren’t doing it, their kids won’t get that lesson. They all have a better chance of realising they’re responsible for their own relationships.

Yes, it is a thing that women have stopped being doormats and picking up responsibility for stuff the men should do.

The way you are viewing this is very topsy turvy and does not reflect well on you.

I'd start with your son. Expend the energy there and not thinking about DIL This is nothing to do with her.

Not allowing your DS to get away with only being in contact when he wants something would be a start

So glad I'm not the only one who picked up that the son actually is in touch, but as OP said "he literally only gets in touch when he wants something - usually money"

I guess the obvious thing would be to be less ready with the handouts, but maybe having got into this situation OP feels it's the only way to guarantee seeing him now?

I don’t understand this at all. Why can’t MIL make the effort then?

Is it laziness on your son's part, or is the lack of contact indicative of a fractured and/or distant relationship?
In my limited experience, both men and women make effort with the family and friends they most value.
Your post sounds quite clinical, focusing upon the lack of effort (described as 'laziness'), devoid of emotion around the issue of a somewhat distant son.
If you and your son aren't close, your DIL isn't really going to make much effort, is she?

I think sometimes women can’t bear the thought that their son is thoughtless or doesn’t really care and so it’s easier to blame DIL. FWIW I did initially make effort especially with things like cards/gifts from the grandchildren but never got any thanks so stopped bothering! I also never received so much as a text on my 1st mothers day/during pregnancy to see how I was etc so I think the effort works both ways.

My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL.

Your daughter is doing it too then, not just your son.

It’s like that in our household too but DH’s brother and dad are both awful at initiating contact and it gets really draining for DH trying all the time. So he doesn’t as much anymore, but if they do talk it’s always DH initiating. I don’t get in touch either as DH’s dad hates me so why would I.

I have 2 boys and a girl. Obviously I hope they all keep in regular contact. DH is good at doing so but all his male friends and family aren’t so as reluctant as I am to say it, maybe it IS a man-thing. But with DH as an example hopefully my boys will keep in touch with us.

We have, jointly, 40+ nieces and nephews and almost as many siblings and spouses, plus our respective parents. No, I won’t do the mental load of taking care of comms with his family as well as mine. My DH happens to do well and staying up to date with his family but if he didn’t I wouldn’t be bothering myself about it.

I know my son could care more

If your son “could care more” whose “fault” is that?

You are reaping what you’ve sown, and it’s not up to other women to make up for that.

But it IS at least partly your fault. Yours and your sons. The only person whose fault it isn’t is your DIL.

Easier to guilt trip woman than to make men care. Tale as old as time.

Men are not ‘useless at this sort of thing’, they have historically been allowed to be useless at this sort of thing. It’s not a woman’s job to mother her husband into not allowing his relationships to fall apart, it’s his mothers job to raise him to do it. So the fact you took all that on taught your son that’s what women do. And now you are seeing the result of that in action.

You take it up with your son. Not blame your DIL!