'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Your DS probably keeps up with his weekly mates gathering in the pub or at football just fine. He somehow doesn't need your DIL's help to schedule and prioritise that. Like magic isn't it?

I keep in touch with my MIL and sibling in laws as I’m friendly with them but never do their birthdays or gifts. They rarely get them. It’s not my responsibility. My DH doesn’t get anything for my family, so why should I?

The misogyny is real! As the DIL in this scenario I suppose once upon a time it was more common for the wife to stay at home and take hold of the ‘duty’ of staying in touch with the family and all other family related things such as remembering birthdays etc.

nowadays it’s more likely the woman has work and other things that have long since replaced their ‘role’ as remembering everything on behalf of their dh. If dh cba that’s on his mum imo, my dh cba and that’s because his mum raised him as boys will be boys and ‘ahhh well he’s a man I suppose’ kind of style. And now she moans about never being contacted by him. Because of her own misogyny she hints I should be holding their relationship together. No thanks I have enough on my plate.

I can't stand all this constant blamey nonsense flying around the Internet these days. Areseholes aren't always the results of their parenting.

And in fact, why wouldn’t you take this up with him? Why do you spare him your distress at not being kept in touch wrt your grandchildren? He’s being grossly unfair to you and to his children through his sheer lack of effort and care. It’s criminal. I’m upset for you. This is really no way to treat your mother.

Lol I'm so glad I don't have to deal with this anymore!

You need to take this up with your son. Not your DIL. If you’ve got a useless son, it’s not his wife’s job to make up for his uselessness. She has her own responsibilities (none of which resemble being a second mother to him). Why should she carry a greater (or lesser!) burden than him on any front?

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

Or we could stop expecting women to take on the responsibilities of men who can’t be bothered to do it themselves. It’s not that they’re useless, it’s that they choose not to bother and hope their partners will do it instead. I occasionally remind my DH that the kids haven’t seen his family in a while (usually when it’s been over a month) but I’m not going to go out of the way to arrange it when he can’t be bothered. It’s just another thing that becomes the woman’s responsibility.

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow if you want things to improve with your son then talk to him, and tell him your disappointed in the way things are. And don’t pull your daughter up on the situation with her MIL, if anything i’d point out to your SIL how it hurts you when your son doesn’t bother. We need to start pulling men up on shitty behaviour, not excusing it as they just useless with that stuff, they aren’t useless, they’re just brought up knowing they can get away with it.

The remarkable thing about humans and the human brain is we can all get very good at things we practise. If men can be top networking salespeople forming and nurturing leads (connections), and run major companies and projects, they can keep in touch with their mums. They just, frankly, can't be arsed, because women have always done it for them.

Women used to be seen at useless at work, and men as useless at cooking before the rise of celebrity male chefs. We now know there aren't really gender based brain limitations for being good or bad at certain areas of life.

It's not really your "fault" morally but in terms of causation I'd say you definitely contribute to it by believing your poor son is so incapable and only his wife can keep on top of it...

As per similar previous posters, if you've had your efforts picked apart and felt walked over if it then falls apart when you leave it to the DH, oh well.
Being genuinely nice to DIL, not wanting 'my go' for holidays and 'turns' of having children goes a long long way.

I don't want to kick you when you're down but it does seem like your son has turned out this way (spoilt, apathetic and has no regard for you/doesn't value you) because you've brought him up this way, to expect women (mother/wife/sister) to do things for him.

Sounds like your son needs to man up and start taking ownership over maintaining his relationships with HIS family members. He’s a big boy—he can do it. And his wife is not his personal secretary.

It is absolutely down to your sons laziness.

Men will never take on these responsibilities if women keep stepping in and doing it for them.

I get it, but if this is the case, I hope you sign the cards from Userjal- not Userjal & Userjal’s DH. If it’s the latter, all you’re doing is giving him an excuse to be rude and thoughtless.

I think you should try to have some solidarity with your dil and support her position of not giving into the misogynistic nonsense that women are obliged to pick up both their own share of the family work, but also the bits their male partner doesn't fancy.

It's a shame your ds isn't pulling his weight in the family. That is the issue to address, the only issue.

Time for a conversation with your ds, I'd have said, about how you can connect more.

I spent years communicating with my MIL. I invited, sent pictures, reminded DH to be in touch with them. Nothing I could ever do was good enough or enough.

Bottom line: MIL failed to build a relationship with me, was critical and clearly wanted me out of the way so she could be #1 with the grandchildren. In the end, I decided I'd had enough of being treated that way and told DH it was his job to deal with them now.

Why, though? Why put it all on the woman? If you read my post history, you will realise that I am very very far from the usual 'blame the man' style Mumsnetter, and I am the first to call out when women expect too much and blame men too much. This is not one of those times. You can be as 'perplexed' as you like, the point is that it is not your DIL's responsibility, nor is it your daughter's to keep up with her in laws.

The language used around family is really depressing here: 'admin' 'chore' 'shit', mental load...wife work..

Op I'm sorry your son and DIL aren't kinder. It's not a situation I recognise in my life or actually, among my friends.

Because we are separate people and if he doesn’t have the manners to reciprocate a card or gift doesn’t mean I can’t

I did exactly the same but a bit later.
My husband got grumpy about even signing the cards I put under his nose without key asking at least twice so I got to the point of "sod this!" and haven't looked back. No big announcement but I let it all go. It was ridiculous sending long lists of cards, envelopes, stamps and posting them. I never even knew them or liked some of them so how ridiculous looking back!!
You need to tell your son to get his act together and step up to his family responsibilities for you and the grand children and not to be so selfish. Good luck xxx

I also understood that you wrote ‘if my husband is forgetful, he’s forgetful.’ why isn’t he held to the same standard that you hold yourself?

You haven’t understood what I wrote, if my mother In law sends me a birthday card, why would I be awkward about sending one back. Just like if a friend sent me a card, I’d send them one back. Same with my children, if someone shows kindness towards my children I’ll show kindness back

But op is ok with her DD not having any constant with her PILa but complain about DIL when she does the same.

Amen to this.

Your son is the one dropping the ball here, not your DIL. Have a chat with him - tell him you expect better of him.

As an aside, getting in touch when he needs money is troubling. It sounds as if he isn't doing a good job of managing his life.

Basic manners are expected of you, but not your husband? It’s ok for your husband to be forgetful, but for you it would be rude?

That is… exactly the problem this thread has tried to explain