'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

It’s my husband’s responsibility to purchase cards and presents for his side of the family, but I do make sure he does it. They are family and family is important to me. I do keep a stash of cards just in case either of us forget and we have a family diary on our phones that has all the dates and reminders in.

I imagine you think they should do all the housework and caring for children too because “they know their partner isn’t very good at it”. FFS.

Women aren’t secretaries to their ‘other halves’ and don’t have responsibility to facilitate that side; in your case it’s your son’s responsibility. We (women) have more than enough on our plates as it is.

It's not a male thing. There are loads of men who have a very close relationship with their mums, and loads of women who are LC or NC with their mothers.

I've got two adult sons, DS1 is in almost daily contact, DS2 goes weeks without contacting us or replying to texts/answering phone calls. They've had the same upbringing so there no reason. But DS2 has always been incredibly independent from a tiny age so I guess that's part of his nature.

Used to have this with DP's parents. Don't know when or how I fall into it, but found myself organising cards, flowers, gifts at appropriate times and DP would be thanked for them and not me (he wouldn't say D sorted them).
So I stopped, in a stepwise fashion -I'd buy the card, put it on the table and tell DP it was there and he should sign it. Then I'd moved to reminding him of his Mum's birthday and he should get card etc. Sometimes I'd remind him, sometimes not. Cards were not signed, flowers and gifts not arranged. Guess who got an ear bashing from MIL when yet again DP had 'forgotten' - it wasn't DP. Said I'm happy to send you a card MIL, but it will be from me alone. Your DP can't / won't even when I put the card in front of him to sign.

I'm responsible for my family - he is responsible for his. It is that simple.

OP you're not being unreasonable to want contact with your son's family, but you are being unreasonable to expect your DIL to be that conduit. Challenge your son.

I have always had the personality to organise cards and gifts for birthdays and special calendar days for both families, so I take charge of it. I don’t find it a burden. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t enjoy it.

I was the keeper-in-touch, the birthday-rememberer, the gift-getter.
Then my husband told me I was “being too generous” with his family.
Then it became his responsibility to be the birthday-rememberer, the keeper-in-touch and the gift-getter.
Arsehole.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility

This is internalised misogyny. It's not the woman "deliberately" letting the relationship suffer, it's your son. The idea that men need a woman to handle their relationship with their own mother is insane.

How old are you, OP? I'm in my fifties and have a young adult daughter. If she gets married, I will absolutely discourage her from taking on responsibility for her husband's family relationships. Not that she is likely to do this in any case, given that she hasn't ever witnessed that sort of strategic uselessness from her father, who always invested a lot in his family relationships instead of leaving it to me. It wouldn't have occurred to him to do this.

Honestly speaking, I'm astonished that, in this day and age, anyone would expect women to take on this role. Men are perfectly capable of maintaining and investing in relationships if they choose to do so. Unfortunately, some men see it as women's work - perhaps because of what they witnessed growing up - and don't bother to make the effort.

I'm sorry that your son is so ungrateful and uncaring towards you. It's a shame that he can't be bothered to make an effort. I'm not going to blame you because of how you raised him, because actually his father raised him too and clearly failed to model this stuff appropriately. And in any case, he's an adult now and he has to take responsibility for his own shit. But please don't blame your DIL. If you haven't managed to build the type of close relationship with her that makes her want to pursue the relationship, it really isn't her responsibility. It is entirely your ds that is at fault here.

The thing is, the men have no excuse for being useless at communicating with their family of origin. They should have been raised to properly communicate with their loved ones. I think because most women hold down full time jobs while still doing the lion’s share of homemaking and childcare, we now refuse to also take on our husband’s family. Between working, homemaking, child rearing and keeping up with my own relatives, I barely have the time or energy to socialize with my friends or do stuff I enjoy. I refuse to give up what little bit of “me” time I have to take on keeping up relationships with the in-laws.

Like pp’s have said, we also take our cues from how our husbands relate to their families. If they can’t be bothered to maintain the relationships, why should we take on that burden. Our husbands know their families best and may actually have a good reason to limit contact. They may also just be too lazy. Either way, it isn’t the woman’s problem to deal with.

I’m raising my sons with the expectation that when they start families of their own, they will be responsible for communicating with us. I’m also teaching them to fully participate with running their households and raising their children. I’m also teaching my daughters to expect their partners to pull their weight.

I assume they don't treat you differently to their own then?

My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.

I'm sorry to hear that your son is so unwilling to make an effort to maintain a relationship and treat you well as his mother and his children's grandmother.

Well done to your DIL for refusing to accept the idea that women should silently pick up all the relational labor for men instead of expecting them to act like decent adults. How else will men ever learn to be active nurturers of relationships instead of expecting the women around them to do it?

Please stop trying to shift the blame for your son's poor behavior onto the nearest woman.

FWIW, I put effort into relationships with both my DH's family and my own, but absolutely not more than he does. I'm not compensating for his neglect, we're equal partners in building & maintaining family connections on both sides.

OP I'm sorry you're having such a hard time on here. You have clearly hit a nerve. I think we are angry at the men mainly, not you. There was a study with MIL relationships with in laws and they found that MILs reported that they were dissatisfied with their relationship with their daughter in law, even though they seemed to be putting the same effort in as Son in laws. MIL unfairly expect a lot of DIL it seems, when men are left scot free again.

I agree with you.

We have a group chat for both sides and we are both in the group chat. I also chat to my PIL if they are on the phone to my husband and sometimes just call my MIL for chats.

we are always popping in with little gifts… bottle of wine, loaf of fancy bread, a dinner etc.

I think it’s so sad that we are becoming so disjointed as a society and there is no longer a mutual reliance on each other. Many people that I know are only in touch with families for very nice events or very bad events.

Sorry, but that is your specific man, not all men. My DH is perfectly capable of sending things to his own family.

I'd be utterly disgusted with myself if I treated my dhs side of the family any different to my own.

Nice!!

I knew that my family's relationship with my MIL and FIL would fall apart if I didn't take care of it. I took care of it for ten years until I decided they could reap what they sowed.

I was invisible as far as my MIL was concerned, so I decided to be invisible indeed. If she missed the contact, it was her fault for not building a relationship with me, like my mother had.

I'm another one who did this job at the start of the marriage and then stopped about 10 years in when it was obvious neither my DH nor the PILs appreciated it.

I think it all depends upon people's circumstances. Depending upon physical location, the employment (hours, flexibility and location) and of course personality - it is not clearcut as to whose job it is to make or maintain contact with in-laws.

You dont talk about your son in law - does he contact you off his own bat like you are expecting your DIL to?

It sucks doesn’t it.

I hate that my husband is so appalling at staying in touch with / planning / including his family. I don’t want that modelled to my children! He really sucks at it though. So I do it. We had an explicit conversation in which he acknowledged he sucked, I said I’d do it - but that he needed to recognise it as work and pull his weight in other ways.

to his credit he does. He’s very appreciative - and I get favourite DIL status for making and effort and my children get a good relationship with two extra adults who love them. It’s win win win.

sorry that your son + his wife don’t make time + space between them.

Can't you write a Birthday card if you have a penis? I'm early 50s and don't even have MIL's phone number.
My DSs don't forget special events, nor does my DH. His DM hasn't received a gift in years. She trained him. I think you get what you accept.

This isn't your DIL's problem to solve.

Your dd clearly manages to stay in touch with you, your DIL manages to stay in touch with her parents.

Your son is the one who is not maintaining as much contact with you as you would like.

He is the one you should address it with if you want things to change.

Your DIL is likely either taking her lead from him or they have figured out best way to manage relationships with 2 sets of parents is for each to manage with their own parents. Do you think your son is buying birthday cards for his FIL?

How involved is your DH at staying in touch with both children? Is most of the communication between you and your daughter?

Haha this is not going to end well for you @TheolderIgetthelessIknow, quite literally you have just outed yourself as "that MIL"...

Men are fully capable of maintaining the relationships that are important.

It is not your DIL's place to keep you informed. That falls to your son.

Perhaps stop clutching your pearls and deal with the actual problem...your son.