'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I think your problem there is "men are all useless at this sort of thing". If that's the attitude your son has grown up with, with you not encouraging the behaviour you want and perhaps letting his father get away with treating you/his own mother badly then he's not going to bother. Or perhaps even know how to.

I deal with my family, dp with his. I have never been in charge of contact with "his" family even when I was married to exh, my only concession was I dealt with the online flower orders for Mother's Day as I'd send both mums and his nanna at the same time unless we had plans to see some of them. Christmas was a joint effort, it's worked for us, but as far as week to week conversation, no i didn't call his mum unless it was for a specific reason eg logistics, I would pick up the phone rather than asking him to do it.

Dps parents have passed away and I do have details for his siblings but I don't have reason to call them. He has my family details in case of emergency but I do the contact

I think you need to speak to your son about how you feel. My brother isn't the most sensitive of people but he keeps in regular contact with me and our mum. He remembers to buy presents for us and his brother in law (my husband) and nephews (my sons). Granted his wife is in closer contact with her family, my brother does do his part so it is possible for a son to be close with his family after marriage.

In theory yanbu and its a sad depressing stat of affairs.

But most of the time i think its not personal.
The problem is modern life for mothers.

I work in a high pressured job, i am expected to "look good/reasonable", i manage the home, i carry the mental load, i devise social outings for the kids and our family, i am the primary parent and want to give my children what i can in an age/era where intensely attentive parenting is the norm.

Maintaining contact, buying cards and gifts for and entertaining my mil is now one more job/ piece of shit work i could really do without (& frankly my dh should own) if he cant he arsed why should i?

You either need to make the effort on your sons behalf, somehow get him to "adult" or just accept it.

My late husband did do the cards etc for his family. But I don't know why so many mumsnetters make this a hill that they're aggressive prepared to die on. The poster who was proud that she doesn't know her in-laws birthdays or phone numbers?

It just seems weird to me that much household stuff is shared, rather than being his job or her job - out at least we want it to be. So why is a line drawn here?

Yes, we saw to birthdays for our own families, but that didn't stop me saying "I saw something in Debenhams that your mum would love if you need ideas for her birthday" and nor did it so him saying "it's your dad's birthday in two weeks, are we going up, or seeing him another time?"

To actively shut out having the sort of information that you even have for a colleague (who you also didn't choose) just to make a point, seems weird.

It's not always the case. DH is one of three boys and they all call and visit regularly without any input from their wives.

I’ve only got one son and this is kind of what I’m dreading tbh. He moved out for a year once and I barely saw him but he’s been back at home for about two years. I just know that, once he’s properly gone, that’ll be it. He’ll get in with his girlfriend’s family and that’ll be it 😢

I don't think it's my job as a DIL to communicate with DHs parents instead of him, in the same way it's not his job as a SIL to communicate with mine instead of me.

Aside from the fact it's just another job that for some reason seems to be the woman's, how much information being shared to respective families should be down to that member of the family. I'd be furious if DH told my parents something I wasn't happy to share with them (not much TBH but there's some things that should just stay with us IMO), and he would be if I told his parents something he didn't want them to know.

We both have a relationship with our respective ILs, and communicate on a personal level, but general family communication, gifts, cards etc are down to the person related to them. That's not to say I won't pick something up if DH asks, and vice versa, but remembering and deciding what to get is his job.

She should be giving him a nudge to be honest. I used to do everything including weekly phone call to update my in-laws and then I realised it was becoming entirely my domain and I made my husband step up. Also I have boys, I’ve made them buy grandparents gifts from their own pocket money every Christmas for the past few years - most men are so disappointing with presents and I’m training them!!

I have a really good relationship with my MIL because I like her, because we get on well and because she regularly cares for our children.

I would categorically not be fostering a relationship with someone if I didn’t. Your son is a grown up, he is capable of conversing and buying shit for you if he so desires. My husband has a relationship with his parents separate to the one I have.

I don’t send sil or mil cards but I will sort stuff out for my nieces. Dh usually remembers his mum and sister though may be a few days late. We don’t visit very often as he doesn’t seem to bother 🤷‍♀️

I’m perplexed that you can’t see that the issue is your own internalised misogyny. As it happens, DH sees more of his parents than I do of mine, but if he didn’t I certainly wouldn’t see it as my responsibility to bustle about organising it for him on the grounds that having a penis somehow impedes an ability to make phone calls or remember birthdays. In your shoes, OP, I’d be asking myself some fairly serious questions about why you think ‘men are useless’ at maintaining their own family relationships, and why, if this is so, you feel it’s women’s responsibility to compensate.

Men can’t have it both ways. They want the second income they need to step up with all this stuff - we can’t and rightly won’t do it all and work too. Maybe historically if women worked less it was fairer they picked up everything else but times have changed.

Yet another thread I've read recently where op starts it, then says I'm not reading anymore. Because it doesn't hold her way. And even during, the response was unanimous. Why doesn't op talk to both her son and her dd about how they both behave with both sides of their families. It's not hard if it, ti be lies any and keep both sides involved. Both people engaging with both sides.

This actually makes me really angry. The responsibility being placed on thr female in a relationship again.

Does your son have a job?
Is he able to socialise with friends?
Play sport?
Function like a normal adult in society?

I'm assuming that he doesn't have severe learning difficulties or other complications as he has a wife and children.

Then he can send his mother a birthday card.

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever assume that the existence of.a womb makes someone able to remember birthdays. Men are not bad at these things. Some lazy individuals of both genders don't prioritise relationships with their families. But it is not a female responsibility.

You have a DS problem.

My DH is one of 3 brothers. All of them and his parents are exceptionally shit at communicating with each other. I really don't think they talked to each other growing up

I did put the effort in, in the early days, but I gave up because why should I do all the work? I will not take on even more. I do WhatsApp with my SIL (married to one of the brothers) who finds their communication style as frustrating as I do.

Due to all of this, we hardly ever see his side of the family, maybe twice /3 times a year. When my DH says, shall we meet my family, I will always say 'absolutely' and let him arrange it. I don't stop him from seeing his family but neither do I actively arrange it. I already do 80% of stuff in the home - why should I do more. We see my family much more, even though they live much further away, we WhatsApp most days.

I am in my 50s ,am very fond of my PILS but have never taken responsibility for cards ,presents etc ,nor would my DH expect me too ,

I love my PILs, they love me. We have a great relationship. My husband also loves his parents and that’s why he buys all the cards, presents etc. I buy for mine, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love my parents.

We’ve often asked each other to post a card if they’re on their way out, and we’ve asked each other to pick up Christmas presents - but we don’t expect each other to remember birthdays of our family and sort out cards.

My husband is amazing at remembering people’s birthdays, he knows all my family’s birth dates. I’m awful at it, but I set a reminder on my phone calendar, I don’t expect him to keep reminding me.

I think it really depends on the relationship. If my mother in law goes out of her way to make life difficult…why would I make the effort? If she were really lovely and supportive, then I definitely would.

I think this infantilisation of men is unfair to them and unfair to women. Men are equally as capable of buying a card or arranging a get together. They are fully functioning human beings who can hold down jobs, have mortgages, and buy cards. It’s really not beyond them to pop into Clinton’s once in a while. Where there are gendered roles in a relationship, where one person stays at home and does the bulk of the chores, then maybe there is an argument then, but where partners are working close to full time, wrangling children through clubs, parties, dentists, etc. then responsibility for communicating with family rightly should rest with both of them

I think a lot of women are now wise to the unfairness and are doing less, while a lot of men still have a vague expectation that someone else is doing all this... Girls are definitely socialised to do more for others in general and this impacts on them as adults too.
I raise my sons to show a lot of thought for others - however they will not look only to my example, but to that of their father who is a lot more lack lustre when it comes to presents and gestures. This shouldn't be another "blame the mothers" thing.

I'm so sorry @TheolderIgetthelessIknow you need to have words with your DS. Tell him how upset you are not hearing from him or seeing his family. He needs to step up not your DIL even though she is maried into your family and should see herself as part of it.

I hope things improve after youve spoken to him.

My dh does all that stuff for his side, it's not my job to facilitate his relationships

I think it depends on the relationship. My in-laws are ok but they have zero interest in me. In my culture the DIL is often expected to subsume herself in her husbands family and her family fit around the edges. It involves a lot of chasing for approval, high expectations of being helpful to your in-laws by default. it’s not a give and take relationship at all. My in-laws are on the lighter side of that but I still don’t want to do it. I also don’t like the fact that when we are at theirs I’m expected to pitch in but DH is expected to chill, obviously we don’t do that, he’s perfectly capable of washing up and cooking and he’s happy to do it. I’m not a servant and I’m not modelling that for my DC.

I would have loved to have the relationship with my in-laws that you have tbh. I’m hoping that when DD is older I can have that kind of relationship with any son/daughter in-law that turns up.

And I have two dd exactly the same. The elder has always been more independent and is not in touch as frequently as the younger.