'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

You're lucky then. OP, and many of the people on here, don't have a relationship with their son anymore because he is not interested in keeping contact (maintaing the relationship).

I mostly get on ok with my MIL, aside from when she's on one of her mad ones, but it's not my job to make sure her son speaks to her. That's between them.

Ultimately it's your son you want to see not your daughter in law so it should be him making the arrangements. My son lives 2 hrs away and I make arrangements to see him. He doesn't have a partner yet but if he did it would be really odd for me to suddenly start making arrangements through her.

Wierd thread. It's never occurred to me to buy mil's card or present, dp has always done it. The most I have ever done is remind him, usually on the day of her birthday after it pops up on Facebook 😂 I'm sorry buy any man who is capable of functioning in life, holding down a job and paying bills etc, is perfectly capable of buying a birthday card. How ridiculous.

What do you expect from your SIL @TheolderIgetthelessIknow ?

Its not my DIL job. I speak to my son everyday but my DIL is in charge of what the kids do because thats the way she wants it. She loves organising stuff thats just her personality. I on the other hand are not great at organising. We dont have to maintain our relationship whatever that means. We have a relationship because we have family in common and we are friends.

This.

There's still time to fix it. Men are capable of learning even once they're adults. Tell your son you want to be involved and in his family and that you expect him to be equally involved in maintaing your relationship, the one between the two of you.

And then maintain it.

Do we grandmothers just have to suck it up and conclude, as someone said, it's actually my fault for not bringing up my son better?

I would try being pro-active before simply "sucking it up".

And instead of telling your DD that she should stay in touch with her in-laws: Why not tell your DS that you wish he kept in touch?

young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever

That's not their responsibility- it's the responsibility of the young dad

But why is it your DIL and not your son who wants this? Why is it her job to make sure you're brought into their family and not your actual son?

It's great she's willing to do it, for you and the kids. But it's not her relationship to maintain.

I would not expect the DIL to reach out either. OP should blame her son and NOT the DIL.

But I do wonder if OP has considered reaching out (in a completely non-demanding manner). It is possible for MILs and DILs to develop familial or friendly relationships. They need to have compatible personalities, both need to be interested etc. but it is possible.

In this case the OP would have to try AND (very important!) do so in a non-demanding manner aka without putting pressure on the DIL or expecting reciprocity.

But simply assuming that the DIL will pick up the slack and facilitate relationships with the father´s side of the family? Those times are over. Luckily!

I think, maybe, there is pressure on women to confirm to antiquated standards

This is women pressuring woman - expecting DIL to do the grunt work and DS gets away scott free - wonder if DM makes a song and dance of DS does something and with DD it’s an expectation.

I think, maybe, there is pressure on women to confirm to antiquated standards. Which means people continue to make out it is normal.
Few people can make a Sunday lunch from scratch, yet even now women can be embarrassed by that. It is lingering patriarchy.

My daughter in law and i keep in touch all the time. I text her she texts me it wouldnt occur to me that it would be any different. I want to be in my grandkids lives and she wants me to be in their lives. She is my friend not my enemy.
She sees more of her side of the family but i wouldnt expect anything else. I get invited to family stuff and its never an issue when i want to see the kids.

My MiL and I don’t get on, we are civil and she loves my kids so we put up with each other but personally I don’t care at all if I have a relationship with her, if not for my kids I’d prefer not to. We text to make arrangements sometimes but otherwise communication if through my DH. I won’t stop her seeing the kids or DH but it’s up to her and DH to make arrangements to keep in touch.

And DH does, he texts and/or calls her pretty much every day and deals with all presents and cards for his side just like I do with my side. Men are perfectly capable of this and the responsibility should not be put on DiLs. Even in situations where the DiL gets on with the MiL she’s still presumably the one that cares least in the relationships between mother/son and grandparent/grandchild so it makes no sense at all for DiLs to be stuck with the burden of maintaining those relationships.

In the past women were more content to pick up the slack for useless men, now they are less so. This is a good thing, not something they should be criticised for. You and your son need to maintain these relationships, not your DiL.

Exactly!

My DH keeps in contact with his parents and organises stuff. We're not young, it's not a new thing.

It is also strange. THere are threads started on MN that read like they were written in 1980 and I am not sure how many are sincere.

No it falls apart because the person who should put the effort in, can't be arsed because it's not important to them and they've never been taught it's importance and understand why it's their role.

You children have a role model of your husband not being arsed. You never addressed this.

Why on earth would it be OP’s place to criticize how DD is handling the division of labor in her marriage, or her relationship to her in-laws?

OP should talk to her son about his role in maintaining a relationship with her. He’s the one not pulling his weight.

I keep in touch with my MIL because I love her, but it's her son's job to remember birthdays etc. Frankly I have enough to remember.

and also your dd about her not dealing with her Dh's side!

Dont do that, it’s none of your business and how do you know that DD’s DH is useless at the task? I’m sure he’s great!

Speak to your son, and also your dd about her not dealing with her Dh's side! Speak to both!

Same as pp. My 30yo calls me regularly. Sends me flowers for mothers day ( they all do), organises wonderful gifts ( like ridiculously nice - in a card a photo of rick astley and another of a-ha buried amongst them tickets to their 2020 aus tour) as do my younger ( not to the same extent only as they don't have the same amount of money). All boys and honestly if they called more often I'd run out of things to say. Love it when they visit and adore their gf's. That's pretty standard amongst my friends, most of whom only have boys ( as we met through soccer and footy teams etc). Sisters on the other hand - sorry shouldn't ref other thread but girls aren't all they are cracked up to be.

In some ways I feel its easy for example to pick up a card if you've remembered it's your IL birthday.
But it works both ways. I remember my in laws birthday and now prompt DH to buy a card. He bought a father's day card weeks ago but despite him asking multiple times when Fathers Day is, it may well not get sent, or sent too late!
Both grandmothers died first (DM and MIL) and when my DC were quite young. Since then my DC have rarely been remembered or got a card on their birthday by their remaining GPs and its hit and miss whether they remember my or DH birthday.
(DH had a milestone birthday that his entire family missed!)

During my marriage I bought all IL cards and presents and regularly nagged my H to call his parents, arrange visits, etc.. It was a HUGE relief to ditch this responsibility when we got divorced and bloody wouldn’t do it now!!! The new DP can manage his own family 😂