'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

I had a good (excellent) relationship with my MIL for around 8 years. We communicated regularly, spent Christmas together, birthdays, days out, round at each other's houses regularly etc... very very close. Then her other son (golden child who only bothered with her for money to support his drug habit) got jealous and kicked up an almighty storm, called me worse than crap, bad mum, bad wife. Said he didn't feel he could have a relationship with his own parents because we were close to them (absolute rubbish btw, he just couldn't manipulate her as easily)... She then tried to appease him by pushing me and hubby away, not inviting us to things, Christmas's etc, started being shady and lying about certain things, would tell us not to go to her house when the brother was there... No acknowledgement of the hurt he caused or she was now causing. Even after various chats and trying to work things out, it has continued. As a result I don't speak to her anymore, whenever she texts about seeing us (on her terms, mainly to see the GC) I just say "speak to DP"... I dont get involved with anything to do with the family now. To much hurt and hassle and ultimately when push came to shove - regardless of our relationship, she decided to appease her other son (who know has decided he is bored with her and visits maybe once/twice a month).

shes enabling him and also blaming the DIL!

I do nearly all the communication for my family. My DH I strongly suspect is ND and is equally bad at organising/remembering other things as well so its not limited to family!
Nearly all my family have passed away and it's really important for me that DC have extended family that they know and trust so I take them to visit, even if DH doesn't come with us.
That's not to say I don't feel slightly aggrieved at the mental load though!

A lot of men will have already been doing cards/gifts/visiting their parents.

Why would having a woman in their life suddenly mean that they forget how to do that?

I suspect these men already didn't bother & the women have taken it on because they are bothered.

I think it varies, I am not close to my own mum but was really close to ex mil. I was 14 when I met her son and her. Even after I split from her son we still met up etc, I was always the one to make effort with her as her son didn’t. As a result we had a great relationship up until she passed away.

During Covid times I ensured she had shopping delivered etc. She wasn’t able to do online shopping etc and didn’t drive or have great health to be able to get to the shops. Again, her son didn’t think of this and just got on with his life.

She was genuinely the nicest woman I’ve ever met and even after I’d moved on relationship wise, my partner was always welcomed with open arms with her.

This. Why is it automatically a woman's job to see to these things?

Therein lies the problem "knowing that their men are useless..." I work full time as does my husband, why should I then be the one to take on the 'burden' of maintaining his relationship with his parents? His is a grown adult, who thankfully, has the sense for a weekly call to his parents and texts here and there if anything comes up that they need to know about our son. I am not no contact with them and if I send my mum something about our son that I think MIL would like to see I generally try to send it on but she respects that we are both very busy. I will buy christmas presents if I am out shopping and see something that they would like but I have no idea when their birthdays are.

My husband is my equal not my son!

This is really interesting as it's come up in my family recently.

I don't really get on with my pil (they're very difficult people, long story) Fil lives in Spain half the year and is very laid back so we just see him as and when, occasionally video call. He doesn't do gifts or anything now so we just go out for meals sometimes and take turns to pay instead.

Mil is a bit more complicated - she loves local and we see her every week but I now leave it for her and DH to organise after some crossed wires a while ago. I do remind DH about cards etc and I'll get them if I'm in the shop anyway, but it's down to him to get them there on time/do the birthday texts. This came to a head last year when he forgot - not exactly but basically he had it in his head his mum's birthday was on the Thursday- had her present wrapped, planned to finish work early that afternoon to go see her etc ... but it was actually the Wednesday 🤦 Mil was understandably upset and they had a difficult phone call that evening, she then bought me and my parents into it and DH was confused saying well that's not really anything to do with it is it?

I felt terrible she was upset but also, it's not my job to double check everything DH says/plans is it? If I did I'd probably be accused of micro management!

On the flip side my brother doesn't stay in touch with my parents as much as he should, mostly when he needs something and I've had words with him about it recently. We watched my mum struggle to take care of her mum for years while her brother did nothing and I've said if he thinks that will be happening as our parents age he can think again!

I used to do all the running around for DHs family when I was a SAHM and even when I started working. Then, one day I thought why the hell am I doing this? And told DH it was up to him to sort out..
I will remind him about birthdays (only once) and then it's up to him.i don't expect him to buy a present for my mum so why should I buy for his.
Sorry OP, this is down to your son not DIL. Isn't there a saying about a son's only a son until he gets a wife?

I have never done a single bit of wife work when it comes to my husbands family! But he cares and maintains an excellent relationship with them, never forgets a birthday etc. He calls his mum more than I do! Conversely some of my female friends barely bother with their families - all comes down to personality and how selfish the individual is.

I’m a DIL and I don’t really get in touch with my in laws other than contributing to the group WhatsApp. I like them a lot and see them regularly and we holiday together sometimes but my husband does all the communication. But then part of what I love about our life is spending time with family.. I don’t think I would have married someone who wasn’t arsed about his (unless there was some good reason for that) to the point he wouldn’t instigate or reply to communication.

If my DH continually forgot to buy his mum cards I would pick up the reins. If she was a good grandmother and I got on well with her I wouldn't want her to be upset. She's a part of my children's DNA and part of their family story. She's not just one of DH's work colleagues and I really couldn't be that unkind to someone.

I would also expect my DH to have my back when I forgot things or had weaknesses in other areas. Marriage and relationships are about give and take and rarely come with a black and white job description.

Indeed.

I suspect it's very tempting for some men to be "useless" at stuff if that means that the women in their lives will automatically pick up all of the work.

I used to - for about 10’years. And then I gave my head a wobble (mumsnet gem of a term) and stopped.

Yes I think if you're getting on with them it's a nice thing to do. But my mil was a nightmare, really demanding of DH & it was always me that took on communication between us & her. It was hard work, I mean she was hard work & she also refused to instigate any of the communication herself. So she doesn't have any contact now with the children, who are all grown up.
Sad but had she made the effort instead of complaining that she didn't get enough phone calls & making it into an issue it could have been different.
Having a young family is hard work & I personally couldn't deal with the additional responsibility

My MIL is a lovely lady who cares very much for her grandchildren (and her children). I have no idea when her birthday is, or even her phone number! I’ve never arranged a visit, sent a card/present etc - because from day 1, I’ve been clear with DH that I’m not his PA. They have daily whatsapp messages as part of the family chat (I’m not on it) and they see each other once a month at least.
There have been a couple of occasions in the past where she’s commented that an occasion has been missed and my response has always been “well, you know what DHs organisational skills are like”.
I think she’s never pursued a close relationship with me because she already has a daughter and because she doesn’t find me relatable - she’s closer to her other DIL as they both worked in the same field so have more to talk about

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing

This is the problem right here. It's an assumption that men can be useless because "their woman" will pick it up. There's so much to pick up in life, everyone should be responsible for their own relationships, not putting that extra work on their partner.

I take on most of this responsibility for DH because I love gift giving and have to send things abroad. However, if I didn’t do this he would do it. I am very close with his family, they are my family too now. In laws make a big effort with DC, so I feel it’s only fair it’s reciprocated.

I'm no young mum, and neither was my mum, but when I was in my twenties she told me that people will say 'oh, they're your family too, do the cards'. And then said 'when a man remembers your Great Aunty Berthas birthday and picks up a card she'll like, then you are all one family and cards/presents are something you both do for everyone'. Great Aunty may be long dead, but I've never done the cards still. Now I'm not working atm but dh is working crazy hours, and I would ask if he wants me to pick up a card or anything for FIL, but apart from in crisis, contact is up to the two of them as FIL has no interest in me at all

I keep in touch with my children and their partners and grandchildren. Family is important to me. I think it lays down stepping stones and makes lasting memories for future generations. It doesn't end with this generation, the feelings of having each other's backs and general belonging are to some extent carried forward.
This does not mean we are in each others pockets. We all have our private lives as well but have the backup of a solid family unit. My relationship with my DIL's is a relationship between them and me and is not connected to my sons/grandsons (all adults).

Sorry this answers my question. Men are not useless at this sort of thing due to biology. Your son is likely useless because your DH was useless with his family too and that is what your son learnt about a man’s role. Not your fault but you could speak to your son about the situation, check if he’s happy with the level of contact or if it’s just that he feels useless at maintaining contact and doesn’t have the skills to do so. Or even better, if your DH would do it and explain that he could have been a better role model for this and shouldn’t have left all the contact with his family to his wife.

If you haven't told your son how much it hurts that he doesn't remember your birthday, then you should.

We brought up our kids to mark birthdays from toddlerhood. We took them shopping for their own presents for family (which resulted in some very random gifts!) and they made their own cards and posted them.

It sounds as though you took on all the practicalities and emotional investment at special times @TheolderIgetthelessIknow , so your son never learned to bother or to care.

What kind of effort did your DH make with his own mum and dad? Did your son have a male role model to see the importance of keeping in touch with family and remembering birthdays and special occasions?

We have always chosen presents for his side and my side together.

I strongly echo this - I think that is such an important point to flag. My relationship with my PiL isn't because I have to do it because DH won't, it's because they are my family and I genuinely care about and enjoy their company.
They are wonderful grandparents, excellent pIL and just very kind and lovely people who go out of their way to be thoughtful to me, and so I ensure I return the favour.