'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Yes DS should get in touch, it’s his fault etc, sure.

But men are generally a bit shit about keeping in touch, and all the women in the MN complaining wont change that, they take the easy way - that means women doing the social calendar. Not saying it should be that way, it just is...If a bond hasn’t been forged - then naturally DIL will gravitate towards organising things with “their side”.

It is unfortunate and OP is helpless in this situation isn’t she? If she asserts herself calls, turns up,, she is the "overbearing MIL". If she doesnt, as some threads show up here, she is the MIL who doesnt care, "see DH your DM doesnt care"? Kids dont get to know them so much especially if there is distance as well, and it all just drifts away. DH, just wants an easy life, no confrontation, so goes along with the wife’s decisions. Im not an MIL by the way, too early for me, but I am sure it will be like this, as I am/was the archetype DIL in this scenario.

It is sad, I love my DS but that is likely what will happen...Let me know if there are any solutions to forge a bond with the DIL, maybe through childcare - but do exactly as she says though on that front - , as that really seems to be the only way, if she is willing to, has the time etc...

Mention to your son that you're redrafting your will. He'll be knocking at your door in an instant.

In this case though, your daughter is the DIL to that MiL - and you are expecting her to stay in touch with said MiL.

You also would like your own DiL to stay in touch with you, even though your own son isn't staying in touch with you.

I think that is the point that @TheUndoing was making - you are asking something of your DiL that your own daughter isn't doing with her MiL.

In my family and my extended family (siblings, nephews etc and their in-laws) and in my husband's family all the women keep contact and are very fond of each other.
It would be unthinkable for me to forget my niece's birthday card (niece on my husband's side). I don't understand DIL and SIL who do not extend equal communication to both sides of their children's family because it is not my experience.
The men don't organise the social get togethers though they do talk to each other and participate. My man is not a natural shopper. The men tend to fix each other's lawn mowers, make beer and sausages from scratch and go to the footy together.

I adore helping my DIL. I love that she welcomes me into their home and I don't take that for granted and try hard to not give advice and to not stay too long - I support my daughter in a similar way.

This! I’m amazed OP can’t see the double standard!

Some really vile answers in this thread. I may not always get along with my PIL's and sometimes they drive me crazy but I owe them a lot. All the times they have been there in an emergency, the childcare when nobody else was available, the practical help with our wedding, DIY and car repairs. They aren't my favourite people in the world but it costs nothing to be nice. I help my husband remember their birthdays and suggest / buy presents because I'm not a selfish cow. They do things for me and I think it's basic human decency to offer them respect and acknowledgement in return. He genuinely struggles with life admin for various reasons and as part of my support and care for him it's only right that I help him to remember this stuff.

I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids or anything at all from their PIL's. Yes, your husband's should bear the brunt of the life admin on their side of the family but you are being selfish twats for ignoring your children's grandparents.

You are teaching kids that they can pick and choose which family birthdays they acknowledge, that they can ignore relatives when it suits them and visit only when they want something. Both you, and your husbands, need to do better.

This is the root of family estrangement and it's breaking our society.

I'm not saying she should.

I'm saying I've noticed a trend where a lot of woman seem to take the stance of I hate my MIL and I refuse to let her into our lives, around our child or have anything to do with her. I think a lot of woman actually try to cut contact because they know their partner wont do it and they don't want it anyway so its a win win for them.

I'm not saying that the DIL should do all the work or that mothers shouldn't teach there own sons how to keep in touch etc.. I'm saying that I see a lot of woman who actively don't want a relationship with their MIL and use this as an excuse

Who is it that you're saying is lazy and entitled in this situation?

Is it lazy and entitled for a man to expect his wife/partner to act as his PA with regard to maintaining the relationships with his parents/siblings etc? Yes, absolutely.

Is it lazy and entitled for a woman to expect her husband/partner to step up and take responsibility for maintaining his own relationships like any capable adult should? No, of course it isn't.

but why should she take on that responsibility?

and that's what i would call teamwork. I think what is being discussed here is a situation where one partner totally abdicates responsibility for their side of the family and refuses to do anything in exchange.

Sorry, but I don't expect my partner to keep in touch with my parents, unless there was specific reason to (like I was injured for example). Definitely wouldn't expect my partner to arrange cards/gifts etc either. And my partner doesn't expect me to do that for their dad.

Women don't need to take on all the burden of arranging everything, so I'd take it up with your son.

I've noticed that a lot of woman seem to hate there MIL, find them over baring etc... I see it al9t in the due date groups I've been apart of where they all seem to ask how I can stop my MIL visiting, asking about my pregnancy, asking about the baby, wanting the see the baby, I find it very sad that you would want to cut somebody out who wants to love you and your child... I do understand that some MIL's probably need to be told to take a step back but I don't think its 75% of the MIL's in the group.

I've never understood why and I would be very upset if I was ever cut out of my sons (imaginary since he's currently only 22 months) family.

I get on very well with my ex's mother and she sees my daughter regularly, we communicate well and she adores her granddaughter. My current partners mom passed away before I met him however we visit his dad whenever possible, normally once every other month for the weekend as he lives lives 200+ miles away.

I'd be upset if my son couldn't be bothered to maintain a relationship with me but equally upset if my DIL decided she also couldn't be bothered. It doesn't take much to send a quick text or do a video call even if you don't want to travel.

sorry, posted too soon.
OP. The responsiblity lies with your Ds not your DIL.

I did all this for both sides of family for 25 years.
There was no appreciation but I did it as it is 'the right thing to do'.
I am getting Divorced this year.

Would love to hear the DILs version of this story.

It’s a very sad part of modern culture that people have entitled and lazy attitudes.

To be honest with you my partner is a million times better at keeping in touch with his family than I am with mine. I’m just so busy. I think the main reason is he is an only child and his mother relies on him more. My mother is more of a free spirit and just isn’t bothered, so it lets me off the hook.

Your DIL will be following your sons lead.
Maybe try building a relationship independently if it bothers you, so rather than arranging to see "them" just message your DIL arranging a day to go out with her and the children during the school holidays. And show genuine interest in her too when you're talking so that it doesn't seem like you're only interested in the grandkids.

I don’t think it’s inevitable. I send my MIL pictures of the kids and little updates and chats most days. I think about presents for her. I love her. But she has put the leg work in with raising a loving son who keeps in contact, with me and building our relationship, and with the grandchildren. My DH does the same with my folks.

You seem to have an old fashioned view of gender roles which you DD and DIL don’t share. You are missing out because your DS either actively or passively doesn’t want to keep in touch that much.

I think it’s a very different thing when you have an extremely involved and decent grandparent - because then you’re also doing stuff on behalf of the children and you too, as a thank you.

but as you see on this thread, where the relationship is bad/not good then I don’t see why the DIL needs to get involved - plenty of people have and then have been disappointed.

It’s your sons responsibility.
I don’t take responsibility for buying presents for dh’s side of the family. Luckily I’m married to a beautiful intelligent man, not a man child.

Your son hasn't been married his whole life. At what point did you start expecting DIL to take this over? When they started dating? When they got engaged? When they got married?

Your own daughter doesn't keep in regular contact with her PIL, do you hassle her about this? Or is it less important to you because you hear about your GC this way round?

I'm also useless at keeping in touch with my own family - I should tell my partner that since he knows I am absolutely useless at this sort of thing, he should be doing it.

I disagree with those who says it should be solely the man's responsibility to keep in touch. I do the bulk of 'emotional labour' with my mother in law, and yes, sometimes it irritates me, especially around Christmas. However MIL does a huge amount in return for us - has my kids to stay during school holidays, helps out with the cost of school uniforms, bought my son his first bike, drives an hour to see us at least every month. She and FIL took us all away on our first international holiday last month. She's also an ex-nurse and always my first port of call if the kids are unwell and I'm not sure what to do.

It's not hard to keep in touch - I rarely phone but make sure to text her pictures of the kids a couple of times a week, and she's very involved with how they're doing at school. We both put the effort in, and so it works. It's more than worth the additional headache of buying extra presents.

In return, DH does a lot of the heavy lifting with my own parents, who are elderly and can't do everything for themselves anymore. We live closer to them so he does their mowing and other garden maintenance. He helps my dad out with DIY so that dad doesn't overdo it himself. DH is a lousy communicator, but would do anything to help anyone, so we're just playing to our strengths.

This. my parents husband an in laws are all passed on now but it was always a team thing. I absolutely get refusing to take on the whole load and one partner getting off scot free and neither set of inlaws should expect their sil or dil to do all the stuff and their own child do nothing.