'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

Wonderful 😍

It's such a blessing when a mil & dil have a respectful & loving relationship. A mil can never replace actual mothers if that relationship is close but they can and do add to family life if they bond with their dil through the mutual love of the same man & his children.

I think that if op's partner posting, my response would be the same. Yes, he also modelled poorly and is a part of this, but he is not posting wondering why. People are just pointing out that this is more to do with op than her dil. Which is true.

My ds texts me most days and I see him most weeks. I have a good relationship with his partner, but she isn’t my primary contact. They each tend to choose / pay for gifts etc for their own ‘sides’ of the family, but sign cards from both of them. I think though I encouraged gift buying from when my boys were young (I was a single mum from the time they were primary age) small thoughtful gifts for me and each other. So it’s something that has stuck.

I am astounded at the number of replies saying their DH doesn't keep in touch with their parents/family...

My DH is super close with his family, calls them 2/3x a week, goes to meet them for days out, and we visit them regularly. We do the same for my parents as well.

I help with gift buying as I love my in-laws and want to get them a gift... I hang out with them without my DH as well. They treat me like a daughter and a member of the family. They've never made me feel otherwise.

I love my mother and law and really appreciate her, she treats me like her daughter too and that helps. I do think with women working more full time they can't do everything. Maybe see your DIL more as a person - what are her interests? Do you have any in common? If you both like gardening etc maybe suggest going to a flower show or doing a spa day? I realise how privileged that sounds but they are things I like, maybe go to the theatre? Do things for the kids they would like? Relationships take work on both sides.

Easy way for him, not for the DIL. I also have no time, and I do call my parents more. Yes, men are obviously not disabled, but you cant deny it comes more naturally to women to just pick up the bloody phone and call. I had been to an anthropology lecture once, that explained why this was so, something to do with our hunter gatherer past. That is what I meant by all the women in MN screaming to their husbands wont change that, they are just wired this way, or lets say, women’s social muscles are stronger.

Does that mean we should be the only ones to organise and be PAs to our DHs? No, of course not! But two things...

One, it could be teamwork - I do remind mine to pick up the phone. Second, I am not in a defensive mode all the time actively trying to cut ties, my MIL is lovely, and I did put in the effort to bond with her, because my default was not “I dont give a crap she isn’t mine” but it was more “She is family now, and she might bring something extra to our lives". Of course we would not have been friends if I met her outside of family context, but the family mindset forced me to think about it, and turns out, I like her!

MIL and FIL's birthdays each share a month with one of my parents - MIL same month as dad, FIL same month as mum.

This makes it very easy for me to remember their birthdays, and I always remind DH and offer to get a card or little something when I go and get something for my own parent's birthday, which I like to do with time to spare.

But DH usually refuses, saying he will do it. Then he forgets until there's no way it will get there for the day, or even once the day has passed, despite me reminding him in the meantime...

I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids or anything at all from their PIL's.

How come it's the DIL accepting money for wedding and help with kids, and not PILs own son?

No chance I'm taking on my partner's family expectations. They're a small family and have high maintenance (and expensive) demands. I have a huge family and I do christmas/birthdays/parents day cards ad hoc, when I have time, money, or see something I think they'd like, we almost never do presents. There are no expectations in my family, if you miss something, no one cares. DPs family seem to get in a mood at every occasion. I'm keeping well out of it. It doesn't mean I don't like them, or don't care about them, but each family has different expectations on these things and it's up to them to deal with what they've created.

Jesus.

You have a lazy and useless husband and picked up the pieces for him, and now have a lazy and useless son and expect your daughter in law to pick up the pieces for him.

Do better.

Men aren't 'useless at this sort of thing'. The men in your family are.

But men are generally a bit shit about keeping in touch, and all the women in the MN complaining wont change that, they take the easy way - that means women doing the social calendar.

How on earth is that the 'easy way', to do someone else's job on top of your own? Something that should most certainly also be easier for him than me - he has known when his mother's birthday is a lot longer than me. If before I took care of my family, how is it easier if I add his family on top of that? Or you meant easier for men?

Men are not naturally incapable or generally shit, they manage to build relationships at work to further their careers just fine. They can drop the social part because they know that they will be excused, and their wife will be judged, because she didn't send a card to husband's third cousin twice removed, whom she has literally never met.

I'd love to know how many of these detached DIL's accepted money for their weddings, help with the kids or anything at all from their PIL's. Yes, your husband's should bear the brunt of the life admin on their side of the family but you are being selfish twats for ignoring your children's grandparents.

Who said anything about ignoring them? As it happens, I never received any financial help from my in-laws, nor childcare help, nor any other type of practical assistance. They were never in a position to offer that kind of support. That doesn't mean that I don't care about them deeply, and indeed, I have demonstrated this care by paying extensive healthcare costs for my MIL and several of my DH's siblings, contributing towards the cost of rebuilding my SIL's house (DH covered the rest) and paying to educate SIL's children etc, as well as helping to research and select schools, identify suitable medical provision etc. Because they live in a country where basic services are not provided by the state and I want to help them, I know that they're important to DH and I regard them as part of my extended family.

However, I absolutely wouldn't ever accept responsibility for managing these relationships. Refusing to act as a man's PA to manage his relationships for him doesn't mean that you have to be completely detached and unfeeling...it simply means that you're clear about where the primary responsibility lies.

In the same way, I have the primary responsibility for keeping in touch with my parents and my side of the family, but that doesn't mean that DH doesn't sometimes pop over to help my elderly parents with stuff etc.

I dont know, you know,i think it should be teamwork. Thats what marriage is, a partnership. It feels like the attitude of some people becomes very defensive immediately when they hear "mother of the husband" (fair enough for people who really cant get along with their in laws, and if they are “bad” people, but this is probably not the norm as not everyone who has sons are “vile" people?)

If within that team, it is the woman who reminds the DH to call, and DH calls that’s fine, or vice versa. If the DIL is open minded to begin with but doesnt treat them like outsiders to get rid of and put boundaries immediately, and attempts to forge a relationship, then it all becomes natural anyway. Maybe also to do with expectations from the start. If being close is expected and is the norm, then everyone makes an effort. If there is active opposition by default and defensiveness from the get go, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I get what you are saying, not everything should be women’s job, but the wording “fighting patriarchy” etc display a combative mindset - ignoring a MIL wanting to see the grandkids isn’t really fighting the patriarchy.

They have created a family with a person. A person who is very capable of arranging contact/ presents etc with their own family.

I also have three boys (and a girl). They're too young to go out and buy gifts for me / dad at the moment but they know when our birthdays are and make us cards etc.

Ideally it should be 50/50 with both sides of family given equal consideration regarding contact. If my DH goes too long without contacting his side I make sure I remind him. We spend time with both sides more or less equally & I wouldn't have it any other way.

Like hell am I organising presents and gifts for my husbands family. I have enough to do as it is - and that's with my husband absolutely pulling his weight around the house and with the kids etc.

I have no idea if he send cards/gifts to them. He's a grown man. I don't expect him to organise things for my side of the family.

My mother in law also knows better than to question me if he hasn't.

Whose fault is it? Certainly more the mil than the dil. It is literally nothing to do with the dil. If you are unhappy, you need to speak to your son.

Men (disabilities aside) are perfectly capable of maintaining relationships, they maintain them with friends and partners independently. If they can't be arsed to maintain the relationship with their own family why would their wife do it on their behalf. If a son isn't bothered about his mum that's between his mum and him, nothing to do with his wife.

And why would "their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing"?
Perhaps because they've never been called to account by their own own Mothers/families?
Society doesn't have have high expectations of men when it comes to family life. Family responsibilities, like this, tend to fall on the shoulders of women. Why should it?
Women usually carry the burden of the majority of housework, childcare, cooking and organisation/life admin. Why should they have to manage their husbands relationship with his parents for him?

You taught your son that it is a woman's job then sadly. But it is not and his wife is not pandering to it. So it is your relationship with him suffering. It would have been better to cut off your work with your in laws.

This is the root of family estrangement and it's breaking our society.

@Ficklebricks so you are effectively saying that women challenging the patriarchy is breaking society?

What's happening is that women, who have for hundreds of years been treated as second class citizens, have developed and grown and are putting themselves and their children first. Unfortunately many men haven't grown or developed and are stuck thinking that women are just there to be male support systems, basically they havent kept up!

There is no reason why men can't remember birthdays, organise family gatherings - actually be active in family life. The fact is many are self centred and only think about themselves. A previous poster said their DH wasn't a shopper, my experience is that men are shoppers when it comes to buying golf clubs, beers, cars - anything that they are interested in.

Women are not bring 'unkind' or 'selfish' they are simply, at last, putting themselves and their children first.

My MIL has had my children probably about twice on her own over 5 years. She was invited to our wedding and didn’t attend. She was invited to the birth of one child, showed up then didn’t bother to see them over the next few months as she got a new bf. she has been invited to everything and made many awful comments to me.

now I do nothing for her. I don’t think that’s vile - and I hope I get a DIL like me 😃

This. When I met my DH (second marriage for both of us), His adult daughter actually handed me a book full of dates for all the birthday, anniversaries etc for his family. I was completely bemused. Why did she see this as my job?

After she left, I gave him the book and left him to get on with it. He's a grown adult and he can manage his own family commitments.