'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

TheolderIgetthelessIknow · 2024-06-10T16:40:23+00:00

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them. So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Cathyq · 15/06/2024 16:37

My DD used to buy my DM, her Mum and sister flowers every Friday on his way from work. When he died we were still kids so my DM and her sister took turns to buy the four lots of flowers even though money was tight. When my mum passed my DA continued the tradition and when she passed my DH took over task of buying me my DG and DA flowers and has continued this for 42 yrs. I never asked him he just did it, he also started to buy his own DM when he took it over.

FTPM1980 · 15/06/2024 15:14

Iwasafool · 15/06/2024 14:54

So your MIL sends remote presents to your children but you always get yours in person?

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Sometimes she insists on dropping the children's presents off in advance and us hiding them. The rest of his family are not local....but they only send presents and cards to the children.
Is that OK with you?
Very strange thing to interrogate me on.

Iwasafool · 15/06/2024 14:54

FTPM1980 · 14/06/2024 09:00

No, but she wouldn't.
She would give it me in person and I would thank her there and then, obviously.
When the rest of his side of the family post gifts to the children he sends thanks....not me.

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So your MIL sends remote presents to your children but you always get yours in person?

FTPM1980 · 14/06/2024 09:00

Iwasafool · 14/06/2024 08:57

So if your MIL sends you a birthday present your husband replies on everyone's behalf?

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No, but she wouldn't.
She would give it me in person and I would thank her there and then, obviously.
When the rest of his side of the family post gifts to the children he sends thanks....not me.

Iwasafool · 14/06/2024 08:57

FTPM1980 · 13/06/2024 19:41

If my MIL buys presents and I am there I will of course say thank you. If its a remote gift OH messages on everyone's behalf.
I am not the sole spokesperson for OUR children. I am not uniquely responsible for their manners.

DH is a very good dad. He quite rightly (usually) takes equal responsibility for the kids and all their admin. It took MIL a long time to work this out. She would speak to OH on the phone most days, then for some reason message me at work..."are kids free this weekend?" "What size are children/what do they want for xmas" And I would discuss with OH when I got home and he would reply or tell her next time they spoke- ...eventually she realised he was equally capable of answering as me, and no more busy and started just asking him.

In fact OH and teenagers are on a family WhatsApp with his side of the family.

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So if your MIL sends you a birthday present your husband replies on everyone's behalf?

WannaBeGardener · 13/06/2024 23:12

T1Dmama · 13/06/2024 18:20

Yes and my point is why would a woman refuse to send cards to family she’s going to inherit from.

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I don't approach relationships from the pov of inheritance. In any case, I won't be inheriting a thing, DH might, but he might not. I'm interested in a good relationship while someone is alive and whether I inherit or not doesn't factor in. Or do you think it's okay to treat someone badly and bully them for decades because you might throw a bit of money at them after you're gone?

FTPM1980 · 13/06/2024 19:41

Chickenuggetsticks · 13/06/2024 18:31

I’m of the “Dh can do his own admin, I’m not a secretary and he’s not a baby” tribe but yeah if a grandparent gives something to my DD I would thank them individually.

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If my MIL buys presents and I am there I will of course say thank you. If its a remote gift OH messages on everyone's behalf.
I am not the sole spokesperson for OUR children. I am not uniquely responsible for their manners.

DH is a very good dad. He quite rightly (usually) takes equal responsibility for the kids and all their admin. It took MIL a long time to work this out. She would speak to OH on the phone most days, then for some reason message me at work..."are kids free this weekend?" "What size are children/what do they want for xmas" And I would discuss with OH when I got home and he would reply or tell her next time they spoke- ...eventually she realised he was equally capable of answering as me, and no more busy and started just asking him.

In fact OH and teenagers are on a family WhatsApp with his side of the family.

FTPM1980 · 13/06/2024 19:29

"My point is all the "it's his job to contact his family, nothing to do with wife" is ignoring the point that if there is any relationship with DIL and PIL and she accepts presents/financial help/childcare or whatever she should acknowledge that and not leave it all up to him."

And do you expect Son in Laws, who tend to benefit extensively from childcare from their in laws plus financial help and presents, to acknowledge that and take charge of the relationship with their wives parents?

Chickenuggetsticks · 13/06/2024 18:31

Iwasafool · 12/06/2024 07:47

I expect my adult sons to keep in touch with me and fortunately they do. I think your son should do the same but I do have a but.

Do these DILs take presents and help from PIL? I have 4 kids, they all have a partner, I also have 8 GC. So 16 birthday presents and 16 Christmas presents. My budget is between £100 and £120 x 16 times a year, let's say I spend £3,500 a year plus special events, weddings, new babies etc. The budget is the same for son/daughter/their partners/grandchildren. Is it unreasonable to expect ILs to have some manners? I frequently don't hear from some DsIL, they don't buy me anything and frequently I don't hear from GC. The same DsIL don't acknowledge presents for children to young to do it themselves e.g. Can I buy a new £1k pram for new GC? Son will come back and say DIL is sending details, son will then thank me but nothing from her. Funnily enough son in law is very appreciative.

So I'd say it isn't DIL's job to keep in touch for her husband/partner but she is responsible for her own response/lack of response.

I’m of the “Dh can do his own admin, I’m not a secretary and he’s not a baby” tribe but yeah if a grandparent gives something to my DD I would thank them individually.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 13/06/2024 18:28

T1Dmama · 13/06/2024 18:20

Yes and my point is why would a woman refuse to send cards to family she’s going to inherit from.

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Why would a man refuse to send cards to his family that he's going to inherit from?

T1Dmama · 13/06/2024 18:20

Summersunseas · 12/06/2024 14:56

DH & I are by no means wealthy. The money we do have is 'our' money which includes both our inheritance. We don't agree with 'my money' 'your money' in our marriage and would never refer to it as such.

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Yes and my point is why would a woman refuse to send cards to family she’s going to inherit from.

SEAHORSESROCK2 · 13/06/2024 12:25

SilverSimca · 10/06/2024 17:49

Absolutely. I send presents to my sisters children on their birthdays, and my sisters and my parents, I do their mothers and Father’s Day cards and presents, I send Christmas cards to my extended family and friends, I get DH to sign these cards.
I do not send presents and cards to his sisters children, his mum, his sister, his wider friends and family. Why would I?
As a result, yes, we are closer to my side of the family because he often forgets to send cards and presents or just doesn’t bother. This is not my fault, it’s his.
Im nearly 50 btw. Not young.

Hey 50 is the new 30 lol x

ToffeePennie · 13/06/2024 09:51

I count myself as one of the “not doing your family” team and I’m quite happy with that.
if my husband wants a relationship with his family, he will maintain it. However I have an awesome relationship with my in-laws who are lovely people and quite often I phone my FIL for advice anyway. I draw the line at remembering birthdays/anniversaries and so on, as I have enough to deal with remembering my family’s side of things. Occasionally I will buy stuff like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day as they are celebrations on the same day and usually there’s a 3 for 4 offer on cards anyway. But mostly it’s Down to my husband. He has the ability to do it, same as me.
Sounds to me like your son is the problem, your DIL doesn’t need/want “another mum” and is refusing to do your sons emotional labour. Which is exactly what should be happening, if you’re not happy talk to HIM, blame HIM not your DIL.

Iwasafool · 13/06/2024 09:38

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 12/06/2024 16:35

I think you're misunderstanding people to be honest.

I maintain my own relationship with my in laws, and I do that how works best for me with them. But it's not my job to make my husband contact them. It's not my job to make him remember the important dates. It's not my job to go out and buy things for him to give them. If he wants to buy a card and write it, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. If he wants to call his dad, or pop round to see his mum, he will. If he doesn't, I can't make him. And I haven't got the mental capacity to spare to be checking whether he's done that. His relationship with his mother is just that, his.

It was a big anniversary recently and they wanted to go out for a meal, no party. He had a group chat with his siblings regarding their gift, timings etc. I casually asked the day before who was bringing the cake. They hadn't thought about it. He asked me to sort it and I did. But they knew it was me (cake is always me). I wouldn't see them without the simple pleasure of a celebration cake. But there's three of them. Why was it my job?

Editing to add that if he's remembered but is busy and asks for help, I obviously will. But I have my own family, our family, my own job, our household, him and a million other things to remember. He can remember to call his mother and when it's a family members birthday.

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No some people have made it very clear that they won't be in contact with ILs in their own right. If you actually look at what I've said from my first post is the son should be doing these things with his family but DIL who takes and gives nothing back (in time or social interaction) should also have the good manners to acknowledge ILs who buy her gifts and possibly offer other support to her and her husband. Both extremes are wrong.

lilkitten · 12/06/2024 22:45

I think times have just changed. I've been with my DH 18 years, early on there seemed an expectation that I would do everything on behalf of the family including my MIL giving me details of his doctor and dentist so that I could make appointments for him. I've now given him back the responsibilities - I buy the Christmas presents for his parents and sister when I'm getting the rest (always vague things as they never want anything specific), but he speaks to them about visiting for weekends, childcare etc. MIL sometimes rings me when she thinks he will forget to tell me, if it's important. It's not that I have a bad relationship with PIL but I feel that as they're his parents he should do his share. Same goes for his dentist and barber appointments, he's an adult

WannaBeGardener · 12/06/2024 22:19

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 13:11

Funny how many people see their inlaws money when inherited by their DH as joint money though!!

That's DH's choice. My name isn't in their will. We don't even know i his name is in the will. In any case, we expect to inherit nothing from my parents but I send them gifts for every occasion. Might be because they didn't become increasingly abusive over the years to the point I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.

Ivymom · 12/06/2024 18:27

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 13:00

i think this thread is sad… while I agree it’s not a woman’s ‘role’, we are talking fellow humans here..
When I met my first long term partner he barely talked to his mum, I encouraged him to move on and to speak to his mother, I found his parents somewhat difficult … not nasty at all but just opinionated - dysfunctional too.. he was one of 3 children and non spoke to one another, one never spoke to either parent either, one spoke to both parents and my then bf spoke to his dad but ignored his mum even though he lived in the house with them… when we first dated he’d walk in passed his mum and go up stairs or in the lounge and ignore her… I called him out for being rude and said I wouldn’t be ignoring his mum or sister and I used to chat to them while he got changed etc… his relationship with his mum did thankfully improve and after we bought a house together they’d visit us and we visited them reasonably regularly! I find it odd that women in here say they don’t even know their in-laws birthday or that their in-laws don’t have their numbers… I STILL remember my first partners parents birthdays 21 years after we separated… it astounds me that anyone wouldn’t know their in laws birthdays! I’m not saying women or men should do all the admin but why so far detached? I still sent Christmas cards for a year or 2 after we split, and sent his mum a card when his dad died probably 10 years after we split! Not because it’s my ‘role’ as a woman, but because for a few years they were a big part of my life.

My next serious relationship was my DH (now separated) …again his family and I didn’t have the best relationship… he couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with his family at all, only called his mam when he was drunk… If it was down to my exH non of his family would’ve ever got cards, as I was now part of the family and they sent cards to me and DD I bought and sent back!
I wonder if all these women saying it’s not their family and not their problem would be happy to not get cards or presents from their inlaws … if your children didn’t get anything….. if you all got written out of MIL’s will because you hadn’t bothered when she was alive… I wonder!

I know my situation isn’t the norm. My in-laws are incredibly toxic and have been disrespectful and abusive to me from the beginning of my relationship with my DH. In the early years of our marriage, I still tried for a relationship with them. I thought if I could be kind enough and respectful enough, they would treat me well. I bought presents, cards, etc…. I put a lot of thought and effort into it.

My DH did what he could to stand up for me and protect me, but we were both young and easily manipulated. My in-laws could even use gifts to hurt me. Every gift they ever gave me was purposely chosen to offend or belittle me in some way.

After our first child was born, I had enough. I completely dropped the rope with them and told me DH that all contact was to go through him. I don’t accept gifts from them. I don’t open cards from them. If they send things, it is up to my DH to deal with it. I don’t even want to know about it. If they send things to the kids, my DH arranges for the kids to thank them. The most I do is sign my name on a Christmas card. We also only see them every few years and not for holidays or birthdays. I don’t remember when any of their birthdays are anymore. I don’t have any of their contact information anymore and it’s possible that they are even blocked.

Everyone has a different tolerance for things. Some wouldn’t have tried for as long as I did. Some would be able to ignore and detach enough to continue a relationship. I’m thankful that it is now socially acceptable for me to protect my wellbeing and mental health by refusing to engage. Anyone’s level of communication with their in-laws is a personal decision. I’m just thankful that the people whose opinions I actually care about don’t judge me for not being a “good DIL”.

Saschka · 12/06/2024 18:12

JemimaGardenTrowel · 12/06/2024 16:59

But surely no one ever names their DIL or SIL in their will, or if so it must be very rare. If my husband died before me I would expect my children to inherit from my in laws.

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To be fair, if I ever find myself in the situation where DS doesn’t visit me, talk to me or mark my birthday in any way but my DIL does run around trying to maintain a relationship with me in the face of his complete indifference, I’ll be changing the will to cut him out and write her in…

Orangello · 12/06/2024 17:47

Yeah, those lines of demarcation dependent on whether you have a Y chromosome or not that so many families used to run on were clearly much better

Right? In good old days, if your son forgot your birthday, it was clear that it was his wife's fault for not reminding him, or sending a gift and card on behalf of him. So much simpler.

AgeingDoc · 12/06/2024 17:11

Boomer55 · 12/06/2024 17:06

Yeah, some modern families appear to operate along the old Union lines - clear demarcation lines.🙄

Don't touch it unless it’s your job sort of thing.

Weird - family are just that.🤷‍♀️

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Yeah, those lines of demarcation dependent on whether you have a Y chromosome or not that so many families used to run on were clearly much better.

JemimaGardenTrowel · 12/06/2024 17:09

LittleTiger007 · 12/06/2024 07:42

Cards, flowers and messages are a sign that you care or are thinking of them. Especially as people get older, to not receive cards from people can make people feel forgotten. Older generations value these things much more than younger ones which is why we need to remember to send them. Not for us but as a courtesy and kindness. It goes a long way and brings a great deal of joy and validation to many.

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I do agree up to a point. In fact I have pointed this out to DH when trying to get him to remember mothers day etc. MiL actually calls him to remind him to send cards to other relatives. She used to send me reminders to remind him as well.

I do though still sometimes feel that all the card sending and gift giving is just work that women make for themselves and then get offended unnecessarily when others don't want to reciprocate.

Boomer55 · 12/06/2024 17:06

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 13:00

i think this thread is sad… while I agree it’s not a woman’s ‘role’, we are talking fellow humans here..
When I met my first long term partner he barely talked to his mum, I encouraged him to move on and to speak to his mother, I found his parents somewhat difficult … not nasty at all but just opinionated - dysfunctional too.. he was one of 3 children and non spoke to one another, one never spoke to either parent either, one spoke to both parents and my then bf spoke to his dad but ignored his mum even though he lived in the house with them… when we first dated he’d walk in passed his mum and go up stairs or in the lounge and ignore her… I called him out for being rude and said I wouldn’t be ignoring his mum or sister and I used to chat to them while he got changed etc… his relationship with his mum did thankfully improve and after we bought a house together they’d visit us and we visited them reasonably regularly! I find it odd that women in here say they don’t even know their in-laws birthday or that their in-laws don’t have their numbers… I STILL remember my first partners parents birthdays 21 years after we separated… it astounds me that anyone wouldn’t know their in laws birthdays! I’m not saying women or men should do all the admin but why so far detached? I still sent Christmas cards for a year or 2 after we split, and sent his mum a card when his dad died probably 10 years after we split! Not because it’s my ‘role’ as a woman, but because for a few years they were a big part of my life.

My next serious relationship was my DH (now separated) …again his family and I didn’t have the best relationship… he couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with his family at all, only called his mam when he was drunk… If it was down to my exH non of his family would’ve ever got cards, as I was now part of the family and they sent cards to me and DD I bought and sent back!
I wonder if all these women saying it’s not their family and not their problem would be happy to not get cards or presents from their inlaws … if your children didn’t get anything….. if you all got written out of MIL’s will because you hadn’t bothered when she was alive… I wonder!

Yeah, some modern families appear to operate along the old Union lines - clear demarcation lines.🙄

Don't touch it unless it’s your job sort of thing.

Weird - family are just that.🤷‍♀️

JemimaGardenTrowel · 12/06/2024 16:59

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 13:11

Funny how many people see their inlaws money when inherited by their DH as joint money though!!

But surely no one ever names their DIL or SIL in their will, or if so it must be very rare. If my husband died before me I would expect my children to inherit from my in laws.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 12/06/2024 16:40

T1Dmama · 12/06/2024 13:11

Funny how many people see their inlaws money when inherited by their DH as joint money though!!

We're married. All money is our money. He gratefully received a contribution to our house deposit from mine. I will gratefully receive any inheritance from his. And he will gratefully receive any inheritance from mine.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 12/06/2024 16:35

Iwasafool · 12/06/2024 15:16

That is just a small part of it, you have to add them up to understand. My point is all the "it's his job to contact his family, nothing to do with wife" is ignoring the point that if there is any relationship with DIL and PIL and she accepts presents/financial help/childcare or whatever she should acknowledge that and not leave it all up to him.

I have bought Moonpig cards for people, a special card for a special occasion with something personal, but I get them sent to me and I sign them and post them.

I actually think the yougsters with a text or Whatsapp message is better than getting someone else to type a card and send it.

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I think you're misunderstanding people to be honest.

I maintain my own relationship with my in laws, and I do that how works best for me with them. But it's not my job to make my husband contact them. It's not my job to make him remember the important dates. It's not my job to go out and buy things for him to give them. If he wants to buy a card and write it, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. If he wants to call his dad, or pop round to see his mum, he will. If he doesn't, I can't make him. And I haven't got the mental capacity to spare to be checking whether he's done that. His relationship with his mother is just that, his.

It was a big anniversary recently and they wanted to go out for a meal, no party. He had a group chat with his siblings regarding their gift, timings etc. I casually asked the day before who was bringing the cake. They hadn't thought about it. He asked me to sort it and I did. But they knew it was me (cake is always me). I wouldn't see them without the simple pleasure of a celebration cake. But there's three of them. Why was it my job?

Editing to add that if he's remembered but is busy and asks for help, I obviously will. But I have my own family, our family, my own job, our household, him and a million other things to remember. He can remember to call his mother and when it's a family members birthday.