Not to see in-laws knowing dh wont go without me?

This.

He's using you as the scapegoat.

I would remain firm and not see them. He's a big boy; he can grow his own spine and go or not go.

So have you asked him why he won't go alone? And if so, what did he say?

You'd have a point if she was trying to stop him seeing his family, she isn't.

Husband can't be arsed to make the effort and is happy for his family to blame OP.

Well he is not really supporting you then is he?!

He is trying to back you into a corner until you feel like you have to go with him.

Do they even know you have decided this? Maybe he is to scared to tell them? Hence him saying he is not going until you do

Look up enmeshed family and I think you'll recognise what you're in.
It's toxic and sounds like you were an outsider to this for 15 years.

Do you have any children?

I agree with pps. OP, your H doesnt want to deal with his family either, he hopes he can guilt/manipulate you into being his human shield.

Your DH probably deep down feels as suffocated by his family as you do. He will have grown up not being able to do anything without being watched and controlled if MIL is like you say she is. IMO your DH is being a coward and hiding behind your decision so he can blame you, without taking accountability for the fact that he also doesn’t want to see them. If he wanted to see them, he would regardless. He’s an adult.
I wouldn’t give it a second though - let your DH and in-laws figure it all out themselves. Just keep reminding your DH he is free to see them whenever he wants and tell him you aren’t taking responsibility for his inaction.

I would just leave him to it and not give it another moment's thought. He's a grown man. If he wants to see his family he will. If he doesn't he won't. No need to over complicate matters.

Right, so I'd just send a text to all telling them that you have not stopped DH from seeing them, that he is welcome to and his decision whether to or not.

It appears your husband is being manipulative - perhaps he is hoping you'lll back down.

They must be more to this story. I mean it’s one thing to be very involved to going absolutely no contact. That’s absurd. Your husband saying he won’t see them at all unless you’re there. That’s also absurd. What are you leaving out here?

Honestly, I wouldn't bother sending a message. I stepped back from facilitating contact between my husband and his family (because they showed me exactly what they thought of me...which wasn't pleasant).

I will still visit them as a family and be polite, on the once in a blue moon occasions when they grace us with a visit I'm also polite - I just refuse to be the one to make things happen anymore.

Despite this, I'm the world's worst daughter in law because I'm stopping my husband and children from having a relationship with them. Nope, I'm just not facilitating it. My husband is welcome to sort things out himself but can't be bothered. He's made it clear to his mother that the lack of effort is his not mine but she won't hear any of it.

My point is, unless you do exactly what your in laws want you'll always be the villain so I'd continue to chose your method. The only thing I would add, is have a serious word to your husband about being a spineless prat and how unattractive a quality it is. If he wants a relationship with his family, then he needs to make the effort! Stay well out of their interfering nonsense.

I hope it’s not one of those situations where you have told your partner he can see his family, but he gets the silent treatment if he does.

But what do you have to lose?
If you're already no contact.
Send this message - by physical postcard if you like!
And then be done with it.
What would she do to you in retaliation? Whatever she does can't be any worse that what she's already doing - and you've already taken the nuclear option to go non-contact!

I have got anm friend who sounds like your MIL op and honestly l pity her future DIL. I personally couldn't go NC with dh's family but l do understand sometimes it's the only way if boundaries and privacy are totally ignored

Unless there is a giant back story or toxicity YABU to declare not seeing them all. It is controlling bc he has to explain your absence and I imagine it’s not a good feeling. You a bu.

Just take matters into your own hands.

Text them (individually if you're not in the group anymore) and say "Hi, just to clarify, DH is free to come and visit you any time he likes - I encourage him to do this. So if he's not coming to see you, it's entirely down to him. Suggest you speak to him directly. Best regards, xxx:"

Honesty and clarity to stop the drama (your drama at least). Simples

He doesn’t want to see them. He would if he wanted to.

This - it sounds to me like your husband is pressuring you into seeing them again.

That’s not how good marriages work. If my husband felt like that towards the woman who gave me life, then I’d have to reconsider what kind of person I’d married and whether the relationship was viable. There are obligations that come with marriage despite what people on MN may say.

Dh is a bloody wimp. He doesn't want to go alone so is happy for you to take the blame he stays away?

She has told him to go alone but he won't