Waste of time holidaying with a disabled person

Forgive the crudeness, but your husband can go fuck himself.
Has he ever suffered with a dodgy hip? It hurts like fuck to even breathe let alone walk. I had a broken hip for 3 years, was in a wheelchair, working full time, looking after a 7 year and towards the end, pregnant. I had a full hip replacement when my second was 7 months old.
Never once did my husband make me feel unloved, inadequate or a burden. He did tip me out on the pavement a couple of times when he didn't notice the kerb when pushing me in the wheelchair but overall both him and my eldest treated me with love and care.
Sending you love and hope you can keep your head up.

It is a dodgy hip, I don't need a wheelchair or a mobility scooter.

@justasking111 I understand that you don't NEED a wheelchair in the sense that you can walk but slowly but I repeat my advice. Ask for wheelchair assistance at the airport. It makes a huge difference to pain suffered and transit speeed. I was a travelling companion to someone in a similiar situation
Year 1 & 2 we struggled with the long walks together - having to stop and sit down at variou points in massive airports.

Year 3 had wheelchair assistance and honestly it was life changing. If you are walking slowly and in pain, it's a big deal to cover long distances eg at airports like Heathrow. Best thing ever did was requesting wheelchair assistance and I wish we could turn back time to do it for years 1 adn 2.

My Aunty was relatively young (early 50s) when she had to have a hip replacemnet. It's hard for her to get around, she has her stick and it's slow going but she manages. We've just adpted our speed and expectations of what she'll be able to do. I don't get why your dickhead husband is being so horrid and unreasonable about this.

At the airport, it can sometimes be needed.

My late husband slowed up when his heart trouble hit. We always refused assistance until the time there was a (false) alarm at the airport - he had great difficulty exiting via the emergency stairs as required - lack of speed was th problem.

After that, we took assistance - it made it so much easier with regard to stairs, particularly those that go up to the aeroplane.

I've already voted YANBU. My husband's daughter chose not to invite him to his granddaughter's 18th birthday weekend: "Oh, I didn't think you'd want to go."

I'm fairly certain that she did that because of his disabilities: he'd had a stroke by then, but walked with the aid of a stick (apart from assistance at the airports).

You deserve someone who would take pleasure in going that extra little bit for you - I’m sorry your dh hasn’t been like that for you. My df got increasingly less mobile as he aged and it was our pleasure to be able to drop him directly to the door, and take care of the parking after all the years he had put in looking after us. And such a small price to pay for the pleasure of his company. Dm and I went on holiday before her knee operation and had the loveliest time enjoying a much easier pace than usual, soaking up the atmosphere. Dh and I take turns to look after each other when we’re ill. Why wouldn’t we?

Your dh is odd in this respect. But it can wear down your self esteem being treated like that, because it sort of erodes your reality a bit. There might not be much you can do about it, right now, but please hold your head high and recognise your self worth. You being so much to family relationships and your son will appreciate your presence. Don’t let your dh being an idiot interfere with you living your best life and enjoying time with your dc and gc.

Reading this thread again I feel so many of the replies over simplify the context - this is such a deep complex balance to be found when one person is disabled to a serious degree. So many of the replies are saying how selfish the able bodied partner is but it may be more complex than is being seen here on the thread. I know in my case the resentment grew with my able bodied parent (and others to be honest) because the parent who needed a huge amount of physical help didn’t seek medical intervention when it would really have benefited them; and also had a substance abuse issue that left them at serious risk of falls which they also wouldn’t address. So the choices are not always as they seem. I also think that when someone has a disability, it is all people see. Often in my family people would say how awful it was that Parent A had such a disability, but they never mentioned how awful it was Parent A had a substance abuse issue which magnified all the risks of becoming totally immobile let alone what that meant in terms of parenting. Maybe for OP and her husband some counselling would help open the communication and ensure both people’s needs are met. X

Yes, I know all this hence saying I know it sounds selfish. I actually am disabled (but in a different way). I went on to explain in another post that actually I think what frustrates me the most is the person I referred to isn’t willing to make some changes to help the people caring for him. The OP sounds a like she could be a touch like this, not wanting to use special assistance or get a stick etc. It’s hard being disabled but it’s also hard for the people around you.

Wow, unbelievable of your DH! Even if you could do no babysitting! "In sickness and in health" eh! Except the sickness part.

You know what is harder...BEING DISABLED.
Some people just aren't cut out to be carers and are self-centred and selfish.
It must be hard looking after an ill relative, but I always look at it the other way... would I do it?
I've been sick a long time and had good and bad partners.
If you truly love them, you love them even when they're ill in bed for months on end.

this will be controversial.. Your post is obviously about the holiday - many of the responses are saying your DH is very selfish - I don’t doubt he is based on your post. Of course you don’t deserve to be left behind on the trip. BUT I will say that if you do struggle with your mobility and your husband is helping you a lot in daily life, he is also entitled to a break and some recuperation time. This is about balance in your marriage - you BOTH need some rest and recuperation. It is unfair of you to not allow him that rest occasionally. It is also unfair of him to speak badly to you and not want to help accomodate you when you would like to join a trip. I say this as a child of an extremely disabled parent,and who has watched the able parent absolutely burn out and have no time to regroup. The disabled parent in my situation sounded like you for a very long time and the resentment grew on both sides. IThe answer is to create a field of communication where BOTH your needs are met. I will also say that if you do need your partners’ help physically, his health being preserved is of even more importance as you are both depending on it. So it’s a time for both sides to compromise and become truly understanding and selfless so all needs can be met. Good luck x

You need a new hip, and a new DH

Your husband is a nasty cunt.

You seem the opposite. Holiday without him and consider what life would look like without a person like that bringing you down.

Just awful.

This sounds so much like my DH. He’s always walked faster than me and I’d be struggling to keep up - or even keep him in sight. He’d stride through airports whilst I dealt with bags and kids, then would put the brakes on when he needed the loo before boarding or when we’d disembarked (we all had to wait for him) then off he’d go again. On more recent holidays, I’ve actually fallen over because I’m rushing over cobbles/tramlines/kerbs in foreign cities. We’ve had sooooo many rows about this as he fails to understand that i simply cannot walk at his pace. He thinks that I’m lazy, and if I tried harder I’d be able to match his pace. He forgets that he’s 6” taller than me so has a longer pace. I’d have to make twice his effort to be able to keep up. We’ve just returned from a holiday where we always have the same row about this. Finally he managed to slow down a bit so I was able to walk at a comfortable pace and enjoy it. (We’ve been together for 37 years and he’s lovely mostly).

OP, you mention memory issues bur I wonder whether DH might be showing early signs of Alzheimer's? Irritability, aggression, frustration are all accompanying symptoms, especially if they’ve got worse. I appreciate he sounds as though he may always have been a tricky character, but I do wonder whether you really ought to insist on a GP appointment and assessment?

OMG. He sounds like an absolute twat OP. And it didn't start with your mobility issues.
Ignore him and go. Book special assistance at the airport and tell him he can come with you or not. Presumably your son will pick you up at destination. Honestly its brilliant. I did it when I went with my mates to Malaga for a weekend. This was shortly before I had a new hip ( I was 48 then, and like you, had a lot of pain - I could walk but slowly and airports are awful when you can't keep up) They can pick you up in an airport buggy and get you to the gate. (obvs depends on airport how they do things)
Take a visible stick so people know you have mobility issues. Folding ones are useful. Don't be ashamed of it.
Then once you're at the villa, just relax. I would have booked a mobility scooter if needed, but actually we stayed somewhere where everything was close, so I didn't need to walk too far. My friends being actual NICE people never tried to rush me about. Because they are empathetic human beings.
I did end up buying a scooter when I got home, and it was the best thing I did. Then I got my new hip, and life isn't one long round of pain any more. And the scooter went to a new home :)

He sounds nice…

Sounds like your husband is a miserable git.

Also I know others have said it but don't be embarrassed to use the help at airports, slightly different but all of our children have SEN but we have always just got on with it at airports, last holiday we registered for extra support and although it wasn't much (priority boarding) it made the world of difference. Life sounds painful and difficult for you at the moment so take a small amount of help, you deserve it.

@justasking111 I have similar mobility issues to you but a very understanding husband. I’m also younger.

Id agree that your DH is a selfish idiot but if his memory is failing he needs medical attention and he may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with life.

You also sound, in the nicest way, a bit resistant to any suggestions about making this all a bit easier. Airports can be vast so using the assistance service is brilliant and saves your energy for more fun stuff. It also separates the pair of you so you get to move around in peace.

If a cane is unappealing try a walking pole. I find it invaluable for both my back and hip issues.

If your hip isn’t at the point of needing replacement but is sore then ask about a steroid injection. You might need to pay if you want it anytime soon. I’ve found it very helpful.

I also take medication, rest tons and am quite ruthless at planning my life to make it easier for myself. DH totally gets that. Yours may be a lost cause, but may step up if you discuss this calmly. You can certainly have a decent holiday but don’t give his silly comments any airtime.

Get his memory looked at. Early intervention can be helpful.

I think there are possibly two separate issues here - from what you said he is and always has been an arse that seems undeniable.

it also seems that you both may have a level of denial about your own health which is making the issues worse all around.

It sounds like the disability is a red herring and he's just always been a cunt.

LTB

I've just seen your message about memory. As hard as it is has he sought medical advice??

This could explain the thoughtless comment, if he is developing a neurological condition they suffer personality changes.

I want to say OP insist he sees a doctor, there are meds they can give to slow things right down but it's absolutely imperative he attends sooner rather than later.

And he wonders why you need new hips... what a joke. Seriously tell him if he's not happy he can stay at home but your going. How you haven't hit the roof is beyond me. I'd be glowing mad

I agree with all you said except why wait until new hip?

Do you have a blue badge for parking in the U.K.?
Your husband sounds very inconsiderate. Remind him that one day he may need the help of others!

goodness what an unpleasant miserable git you are married to! So sorry for this. leave him behind and go and enjoy your family.