Brother and I can’t eat in public

@BusyMummy001 thank you so much for that. I am a mental health professional (counsellor who also teaches counselling), I am well-versed in conditions etc so I thought, yet after 31 years of suffering from this only now do I know it has a name! I've looked for one before and never did find one!

I have really struggled with eating in public but mine is a result of a combination of being shamed, shouted at at the dinner table, dinner times being just awful, force-feeding me things that made me sick etc etc AND of being a fat child who didn't want to be seen eating (that came later on).

In my forties now, I can usually do it but I don't like it and am still self-conscious at least some of the time. If me and DP go for dinner for example, she sits next to me not opposite me wherever possible. Buffets are my last hurdle, last one I went to a couple of years ago I just got a glass of wine and pretended I wasn't hungry. But overall I have 99% cured myself of it. I am a teacher in a college and I eat in my car at lunchtimes, did the same in other jobs-although this has the added bonus of giving me a bit of peace and quiet too.

It seems to me that you have an anxiety problem. You use the word "relaxed" in connection to the home environment - is work not a place where you can feel relaxed, or be yourself?

If I didn't eat breakfast or lunch I'd be starving and wouldn't be able to concentrate on work! When you say you wouldn't enjoy a packed lunch eaten at your desk, do you mean the thought of it makes you actually anxious or uncomfortable?

I understand this. It’s like wasted calories?!’ If you’re out or with others and talking you’re not concentrating on the food so just eating! Much better to enjoy it at home when you can relax and think about what you’re eating.

if i was that bothered about getting the maximum enjoyment from food, I wouldn't be eating MacDonald's.

I'm not that bothered about it & I don't eat MacDonald's.

Think this is deipnophobia - a form of social anxiety surrounding eating in the presence of others (OP says she cannot enjoy food because cannot relax when others are present), possibly combined with ARFIDS due to denying herself breakfast and lunch. That two siblings eat this way suggests it has familial roots. If its not an issue for you, OP, in terms of limiting socialising with friends/work functions/dating, then that’s fine - but if you have relationships, or eventually go to have children, I think it would become a bone of contention and need addressing.

in summary, it’s not really normal. Most of us enjoy food more in conducive environments (no kids, cooked for us in a restaurant etc), but if you deny yourself food unless the environment is ideal then this is dysfunctional.

I'm well aware of all of the above, I come from a family of chefs, my daughter is an aspiring chef, I'm a fucking great cook, I have six siblings, my mam has seven siblings, my dad has five - I'm used to huge family meals and "breaking bread" with my loved ones. I've helped cook for 100+ people from six different countries and cultures at our last whole family Christmas gathering. I get it.

I'm also a recovering binge eater, and learning to recognise that at it's core food is fuel first and foremost is the thing that helped me break the cycle. Someone with disordered eating is far better off learning to see it as fuel than as everything you described - because none of that is relevant to secretive eating.

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if the subject has taken a different turn but im the same. I find eating to be something to enjoy so I don't eat breakfast as I don't like to be rushed or lunch or any office bakes and cakes. For dinner it's a different story, it's my down time and I would like to enjoy the food I cook or the take out I order and sit down with a nice Netflix series on and enjoy it.

Most people in the UK could miss their next meal (to say the least). It's not essential to eat unless you're diabetic or working heavy labour. So it makes perfect sense to save it up.

Why would I eat a big lunch (Shepherds pie) or sweet treat if I am not in a relaxed environment?

To me this makes absolutely no sense! You eat because you are hungry, or because it's meal time, or because the food is nice. Being in a lovely environment is nice, but it's not a necessary part of eating. It doesn't make the food taste less nice. I wouldn't feel at all 'unrelaxed' eating at work.

You don't have issues op some people are just really boring about food. You're right to treat it as special.

I'm the same. So I don't tend to eat lunch if I'm in an office. I'll just go without and have a lovely dinner when I get home. Food is for pleasure so why eat it somewhere grim.

Nothing unique, mainstream behaviour.

Wait till either of you get to the stage of having kids and working (if it happens). At work, you’ll be glad to have five minutes to yourself without a baby climbing all over you, and will cram anything in🤣

I'm exactly the same although I will eat if I need to but really don't like eating out and about unless it's a proper restaurant or I'm on my own. I was shamed by my dad growing up for eating too much/not enough so think that's why

I used to not be able to eat in public or in front of people I didn’t know but I did grow out of it (to an extent). If I eat in a work canteen type environment I do tend to choose a spot that’s away from people as I can still feel a bit uncomfortable eating publicly. Hunger though usually over rides any hesitancy I have about eating around random people.

I do hope you both are not planning on having children.

This.

Food is much more than fuel, it ties families and societies together through everyday meals and special feasts. That's why there are so many references to food in our speech, like "breaking bread together". And cooked well, it is delicious and life enhancing. Not being able to share in this is a loss.

As long as you are both ok with the situation for yourselves as is and are healthy, no worries (and no need for counselling or labelling)
Us humans have all manner of idiosyncrasies 😁

I have a similar issue, but mine is based on the idea that food won’t be prepared hygienically and that it’ll make me ill. I have undiagnosed stomach and bowel issues so vomit easily and some foods go right through me. I couldn’t eat from the work canteen and although I do eat out, I check the restaurants hygiene level first. I am aware that a large part of it is in my head but occasionally I’ll eat Mc Donald’s or something and feel rotten after. I take small snacks to work or a packed lunch.

What if it’s not well-balanced? Will you look down on them then?

Are you and your brother just a bit snobby about places that aren’t ‘proper’ restaurants?

The word yummy makes me want to question everything op wrote. It’s weird.