It’s a MIL one - feeling resentful

I could have written this!! We had the same issue.

MIL offered to watch DD1 2 days a week, she doesn’t work so she has the time in theory. She’d often cancel it last minute and it meant that my husband or I had to call work and take a day off with little to no notice. It gave us lots of stress. My husband WFH, if something else would come up (e.g. a family member calls her to meet up, nothing serious) she’d leave early, way before I’d get back from work, saying to him that “you’re at home anyway “.. yes he’s at home, but he’s working!!
We did this for about 2 months then we really felt that we need the reliability annd our sanity and started DD1 in a nursery.

Now she has even more time apparently and offered to look after DD2 while I work, we said no thanks.

I’m not going to take her on this offer. Anytime we ask her to come to a school event to see DD1 performing, she always has other plans already, usually attending to another family members, or she just gives vague answers such as “we will see”.
I can already see it’d go down exactly the same as it was with DD1 and she would just come and go on her own terms, leaving us in s**t. I won’t let that happen again!

Though = thought

Quite. Plus l though staff actually did the task they were meant to do?!

Your MIL should be able to cope with aranging her appointments and social life on days she is not looking after your son. I think you need to have a conversation with her and be blunt. One thing I will say, as a GM that looks after young grandchildren, it is that if the child knows Mummy or Daddy are there, it is hard to keep them away. We prefer to look after the grandchildren at our house or take them out.

It's sounds like she's finding it harder than she thought she would.

Move back to the old day care or you'll all end up destroying your relationship for no gain.

Change it to what suits you and your husband it won't cause your DS disruption as his very young. Work it out on your terms not anyone else's as not everyone can live up to the expectations.

I would agree with others, change back. If your son was happy at the nursery, he will adjust back quickly. Plus he will have social time and activities, which your MIL cannot provide. Relatives can mean well, but cannot deliver the same as a paid service.

I agree to change back but saying OP's treating MIL like staff is a bit harsh - it wasn't OP's idea. She's only relying on her for childcare because MIL suggested it. It's not working out so now OP knows not to rely on her for a long term arrangement.

Yup, back to the old nursery. No problem.

It is possible she expected you to pay her for these hours so she's a bit casual as now she thinks it's just free babysitting? Not an excuse but I am wondering?

Change back. Stop relying on family for free childcare. They aren't your staff.

Excellent suggestion.

I was also thinking that there’s definitely a sexist element to this.

This situation would drive me crazy. I don’t think it’s uncommon for grandparents to like the <idea> of childcare but not really grasp that once it’s agreed upon it’s not actually optional to just cancel so you can go to the garden centre with friends for lunch instead. Better to keep arrangements ad hoc and emergency only.

Don’t let her do this in school holidays either.

MIL made a big deal of offering to have DS in school holidays, DH said ok but we will need to bring him to you at 8am and pick up at 5.30pm. Turns out she meant she would do 10.30-2.30! We booked holiday clubs that do the hours we need (and it’s our responsibility to look after our child not hers) but she bleats to others about how we turned down her generous offer.

I wonder if it was her son wfh, she'd still be expecting him to stop work, entertain etc?

You don't need a childminder to do wrap around care for a nursery when you can just change back to a full time nursery!

Using a new childminder is as disruptive if not more so than just switching back (assuming they still have space).

Sorry your going through this. That is annoyingz particularly as it's her suggestion. I agree with others. I'd tell her how you feel AND I'd move back to longer hours. She obviously doesn't want to or can't do it - does she find it too much, maybe? I'm.knackered looking after my own kids and I'm probably 30+ years younger!

We had a similar situation. I just changed the hours at nursery and MIL barely noticed... DD has a great time when she does see her now as it's not as frequent and much more "fun" for my in laws. Expensive for us, but means I'm not having to take a day off every week...

Either way, move him back and chalk it up as a lesson learnt.

Definitely stop, don’t up with even for a few weeks.

This one is definitely on you I have to say. It sounded like a good idea at idea at the time. However it's clearly not working and your MIL is clearly not listening. Time to go to the previous arrangement ASAP before your relationship with MIL deteriorates further

This would drive me crazy.

we can’t change the situation now as I don’t want to move him again and cause disruption,

This I'm not sure on....i dont think going bacl to ft at the se.place is that big a change and 15months is a long time!
I would go back to nursery and see if you can go back to full days Or see if you can find a CM.
Either way grandma would be getting relieved of her "duties"

Honestly, I wfh and my mum helps with my niece and son. Exactly the same behavior. Has to get me to tell her what's for dinner, turn on my oven, tell her how many chips etc
You fed kids for years, honestly it's been 3 years the oven hasn't changed.
My dad will play while she's on phone,.but sometimes he's tired.
Drives me mad. I'm home for my son, I might as well do it all. Worse is, when I'm clearly working she asks the kids passive aggressively to ask me stuff, or she doesn't want to talk to tells them to tell me what they've just told her.
I've got no choice but to suck it up. She's there's because my brother and sil not because of me and so it's so so hard.
Saying anything won't change it.
She is who she is and I said at the beginning I'm the one who'll end up doing it all, I'll just do it. Let's not rely on them but got overruled.
Drives me mad!
I do think there's an element of not understanding working from home is working too! Because your home.

It won't get better and you'll resent, try something else as it's not working. Wrap around care.

Definitely stop the arrangement. I had the same with my mother, she asked to look after DD a couple of days a week. I cancelled her nursery place on those days. But it soon became clear she didn't understand this was a formal commitment upon which I was relying. She was always getting to mine late, making me late for work. Or saying (upon arrival) that she couldn't stay all day (forcing me to leave work early). One day she didn't show up at all. When I rang, she said she wasn't feeling well (just a cold, nothing that prevented her at least calling me sooner to let me know).

I put DD back in nursery 5 days and said it was best if the grandparent relationship was just a weekend thing.

I agree with changing the nursery. My DD ended up attending three different settings. She was with a childminder until she was two (the childminder then went on maternity leave). Then she joined a small year-round nursery. In the months before starting school, she attended both the small nursery and a large term-time-only one which was more similar to the school environment. She really enjoyed the large nursery and ended up preferring it to the small one.

I’d hesitate to move a one-year-old as I think it’s a sensitive age for them, but a three-year-old might love the novelty of a new setting.

Change it. As pp 15 months is a long time.
If she, wants to spend some time with him she coukd do an early pick up and take to her house once a week/fortnight, but you won't be relying on the childcare.

Change it. Or you’ll hate her. Your child will be fine with going back.