To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

That may be true but damage will happen on the inside regardless of the outward symptoms.

@TarantinoIsAMisogynist because the problem is of her husbands own making, he keeps eating the food

Don’t eat with them? I have never eaten a meal cooked by DH’s family, I don’t know why this is even a problem. If you go over for a rare party/event bring your own food.

Family meal at his sister's yesterday - she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free.

That sounds like an accident waiting to happen!

My DIL was glutened at work as she used a knife that had been used to butter bread with gluten in.

So had the knife not been washed properly?

I think those voters may think the OP is unreasonable because she's blaming the wrong people.

And? He is obviously in the "gets very sick category, but doesn't end up in a coma.

Does that make it okay for him to not bother checking what he is being fed?

Or does that make it okay for his family not to bother checking a recipe with him?

It’s hard accepting that your family just doesn’t care. It’s not benign that they won’t cater for allergies and intolerances. It’s a clear signal about the relationship. It feels like someone saying we don’t love you.

it’s one thing to admit that they know they can’t do it adequately. Given that my kitchen is set up for my own allergies, I would be hard-pressed to make it truly safe for someone with a different set of allergies. I lean heavily on some highly allergenic foods since I have to avoid others. In that situation, I would talk to the person and we would come up with a solution. The important thing is I would make sure they were fed and cared for.

As a coeliac, he needs to take responsibility for himself and ask what went into the recipe. Does he just turn up and blindly eat dinner without even asking what's in it? Did the taste of beer not give it away?

Blind trust is not very sensible in this scenario. Because (as he found out) people forget/don't bother to check. It's not as important to them as it is to you, so it slips their mind.

The fact is, it's him that needs to take the most responsibility here, and he isn't doing so.

It's like asking to be punched in the face and being surprised when you're punched in the face really.

He needs to tell his family not to cook for him and he'll bring his own. If they're well meaning but clueless being blunt is probably the only way to go.

I can empathise.
One of my DC has multiple food allergies, some immediate IgE mediated reactions and some delayed non IgE. He can actually tolerate small amounts of his non IgE allergens if they're cooked or processed but to avoid confusion I just say that outside of home he can't have anything containing any of his allergens. But my DH's extended family, especially my PILs seem to be completely unable, unwilling or both, to follow the rules. Once we were there and she'd made lasagne. She'd used non dairy milk for the white sauce so all good there but I queried the pasta as obviously lasagne sheets are often egg containing, but she denied it. We were still suspicious so DH went into the kitchen, opened the bin and pulled out the empty packet of fresh egg pasta!
After that I started taking my own food for DS when we visited. She was very offended. Tough luck. Safety comes before other people's feelings.

I’ve got allergies that most of my family just doesn’t get. We were over at a big party the other day and I didn’t eat. I had a bottled water. I got multiple comments about not eating. I just didn’t feel like risking it that day. I didn’t want my day and subsequent week ruined.

after a decent appearance at the party, we went to a restaurant where I could have an excellent, safe, meal.

I wouldn’t eat there again or any restaurants of their choosing! As a type1 diabetic too he needs to be taking charge of his diet. Sadly men are not the best at this.

Sorry op but the responsibility is on your husband to have the final say in what he eats. They are obviously uneducated and won't think to check ingredients of beer, etc. if he knew the pie shop was full of gluten, he could have said no the risk of cross contamination is too high.
I'd refuse to eat with the in laws or take own food.

People can have different levels of response to gluten.

My DIL was glutened at work as she used a knife that had been used to butter bread with gluten in.

She got high blood pressure, a massive headache, diarrhoea and collapsed unconscious. She was in hospital for a couple of days.

How much coeliacs respond to gluten very much depends on the person. Cross contamination is much more of an issue for some people than others.

Oh and to anyone reading this who is gluten free and loves real ale, there's some excellent gf beer available now from small breweries in the Bristol area. Having asked my local tap room is trying to have at least one gf beer on each weekend!

DAunt used to be very ill (projectile vomiting) after eating gluten. We always made everything gluten free (it's not hard if you read the ingredients) for Xmas/Easter and just not tell everyone else and no-one batted an eyelid.
DBiLs family invited her round knowing about her condition and god knows what they fed her but she ruined their new cream hallway carpet and then spent the next 24hrs in our bathroom. They learnt the hard way that she wasn't "putting it on"!

Had similar with DC's allergies for a while. We just implemented a ban on the 'offenders' giving them any food. "If you want DC to eat with you, then you have to prove you won't give them things that could kill them. Oh, you can't/won't do that? Well, then they won't accept food from you."

Health needs trump hurt feelings.

We also have a family member who has coeliac. In over a decade of them eating at our house, DH, DC and I have never (to our knowledge) made them ill through gluten contamination. It's not actually that hard.

Your DH needs to stop believing they'll change into people who'll start respecting him enough to accommodate his health needs, because they've shown that they won't. He needs to bring his own food and refuse to eat in potentially unsafe places.

I don't eat food that people have cooked for me unless I have quizzed them thoroughly about exactly they have put in it, or stood next to them watching exactly what they've done, down to the fine detail such as stock cubes and spices which people often don't think about. I do this for anyone that isn't my close family who are all well trained by now. If I don't want to do that or don't feel confident in their abilities then I bring/prepare my own. It's a pain but it's better than being ill.

Best option is to bring your own food for events like buffets especially, or just eat very obviously safe foods like cucumber sticks - we check packaging for dd! Inconsiderate if I'm being generous but sounds like they either don't understand or are refusers, but being generous again perhaps they know about bread but forget about wheat etc in drink/liquid form eg i nearly messed up with soy sauce but thankfully was being vigilant

I think if you have a specific issue around food then it's your job to cater for it. I went vegan for a brief time and my parents just couldn't get their head around it, having never even cooked vegetarian meals before. They always accidentally included some animal products or only offered me raw salad. I wasn't mad at them and in the end I sent them 5 vegan recipes to use whenever I came over. They picked which one to do and whether to eat it themselves or make a separate dish. It meant the guesswork was taken out of it for them and they felt much more confident preparing something I'd pre-approved.

I don't think it's fair to expect others to cater for your specific needs entirely off their own back. These things can seem complicated to people who aren't used to it.

Sorry but your dh has to man up! His conditions are not something to be blasé about. As this has happened many times, he needs to be proactive moving forward. If he has any invites, he will have to communicate ahead to find out the exact menu, exact ingredients, and ask further once there before eating anything.

Personally I don’t think it’s too hard. My sister is the same and I have never made her ill. Yeah sometimes you have to think about it more but it’s not hard, such as making sure I cut her bread first before my own so there aren’t crumbs or I won’t toast her bread in my toaster and will grill it so it isn’t contaminated. Reading packets first to check for gluten. It’s laziness I’m afraid. It’s not hard to cook a gluten free meal

Stop eating with them then

I have three friends who are coeliac. When I cook for them I check every ingredient and I meticulously make sure there is no cross containation.

Why people find this difficult is beyond me.

Given that this has been going on for five years I feel that the family are lazy because they don't check ingredients properly and they haven't educated themselves about cross contamination. As a parent I am staggered that they are so cavalier about not learning about coeliac disease. If DD became coeliac the first thing I would do is educate myself by reading up about it here https://www.coeliac.org.uk/home/

I would be so careful about ingredients and not assume that something is safe without checking online and reading the labels.

I also feel that the OP's husband could have done more to make sure it doesn't happen again by educating his family, not eating there until they learn about coeliac disease or taking his own food. I mean why has he let this go on for five whole years?

Every Christmas I cater a for a fund raiser with the charity I vounteer with and take charge of the dietary requirements - GF, vegetarian, vegan, dairy free etc. If I'm not sure about something I google it, and I read the labels on everything. The venue also has two kitchens so I can prepare food away from any contaminants.