To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

People scan the opening post in the same way as ingredients lists it seems, i.e. not very well!

First line of the op

This it is better they are offended than him keep being made ill just to try and keep the peace but surely as an adult he should be able to work this out for himself.

He should speak to his family about it not you.

God, this is awful, op. Was he diagnosed later in life or did he have to put up with this piss poor effort growing up?

I find it very hard cooking for coeliacs. My SIL mother has it very severely and every time she comes for a meal I find I have to stop and think about practically every single thing I'm putting in the food - double check stock cubes, wine vinegar not malt, bisto... no b;**dy way, damn did I use gluten free flour or normal... start again.

I usually play safe and feed her roast meat, veg and potatoes with red wine jus being damned careful which stock cubes (knorr are gluten free or they were last time I checked) or something like salad nicoise .. or tacos are a good option too

Even then I wait until I've heard from her the next morning before being sure I haven't hospitalised her but so far so good.

YANBU OP they need to show extra care and consideration

YABU but only because your DH should be standing up to his family and taking responsibility. He is an adult.

I echo the others, clearly they aren't taking it seriously. So the only way is not to eat their food. I struggle wiith IBS so my sympathies to your husband as my flare ups can be so painful, it's that bad I'd rather give birth. (hard to avoid when eating out it's not easy)

It’s awful that they do this to him but you’re not his mum. It’s up to him to monitor closely what he puts in his mouth.

Definitely this. I didn't realise there was gluten in stuff like mustard or beer. Also I think the other thing murkying the waters is that a lot of people who claim to be gluten-intolerant actually aren't, and in any case, there's a whole world of difference between that and coeliac disease. (I have a friend who says she's gluten intolerant but in fact she's a faddy and extremely fussy eater who's borderline anorexic and it's just another way of eliminating foods from her diet). Because of this, I think a lot of people don't take real gluten intolerance that seriously.

@Dippidydoppidydoo It's hard when a close family member who seems to understand … sorry but you and dh clearly both don’t understand your close family members then .. because after 5 years they still don’t understand your dh’s condition. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t be broaching anything with them diplomatically, it’s obviously not worked thus far, dh needs to tell them straight and sternly! Then he needs to take absolute responsibility for his own self!

I think a gluten allergy is harder for people to get their head around when cooking/preparing, than, say, a peanut allergy. People think they know what has gluten in, but they don't. The OP's MIL using beer in a recipe is a perfect example.

As someone with a life-threatening allergy, I learnt as a child to question all food, take my own backup food, and turn down risky restaurants. I didn't like doing it! Sometimes it meant feeling rude or missing out, but I didn't have a choice.

Your husband just needs to learn to do the same and be clear about why he's doing it. And that might encourage his family to take it more seriously and educate themselves (or ask you both to help them learn more).

Still not understanding why you are eating with his family all the time, when this issue keeps coming up. Surely most people don’t eat with their in laws week in week out?

Much empathy… I have coeliac disease and my son has anaphylaxis to all nuts. Mum was able to rattle off all of my brother’s likes, dislikes and intolerances and never once remembered my coeliac disease. (Despite it being super common in her family.) One night Mum made couscous that she had bought especially for me and chicken pesto pasta for my kids. She did not believe that couscous was basically tiny pasta and that pine nuts were nuts. Sigh… My daughters loved her pesto pasta…. I ended up washing everything in the dishwasher and defrosting some chicken for my son who was the most patient little kid ever, and he had the biggest bowl of ice cream you’d ever seen. Mum was never left alone in charge of the kids.

Poor guy that's sounds horrible and that he is really unwell as a result. I imagine he mentally feels in-between a rock and a hard place because it's his family too so he doesn't want to upset anyone either. As someone who had a child with an allergy that could cause anaphylaxis it's really difficult to explain to others the dangers. The most receptive thing I found was to take food with us in their original packaging. Then say "we've brought this pie with us from Asda, we've had it before and know that it's safe". Slowly slowly planting the seed to what is safe and what is not in the hope they'd cater using that food item the next time.

Agree, stop eating there. I used to bring my lunch (at my ex inlaws) in a Tupperware dish and pop it in the microwave). Something like Spag bol. I hope they understand that if he carries on eating gluten he is doing some serious damage to his health.

My coeliac friend will only eat at someone's house if he can help prepare / watch it being made. Might sound a bit OTT for the chef but it can be nice to have someone to hang out with while cooking, can't it? Especially in this situation, it can take the pressure off if you know the meal has been fully vetted beforehand. After several meals if he can see the person really understands the requirements he'll trust them to cook for him and won't need to supervise. Maybe your husband can try this approach.

Just don't eat with them!!! Simples!! He's not a child, he can express his own wishes!!"

He did pick something gluten free, but in a pie shop, the risk of cross-contamination is high, and ultimately, the pie shop failed.

Unfortunately the level of stupidity when it comes to food is astounding. It’s no wonder the food industry get away with so much of their ridiculous marketing. (Sorry but I’m feeling particularly misanthropic today🤣.)

I have a friend who’s so sensitive to gluten that she can’t even be near to people who’ve had toast for breakfast. She has to go on holiday for a month when the local farmer is harvesting wheat.

You’d think that if a close family member was very sensitive, you’d become quite obsessive about gluten and make sure all the food was gluten free. It’s hardly difficult is it?! Unfortunately you and DH need to toughen up and not be worried about causing offence. His health is the priority.

Even then it's hard for other people as lactose is in a lot of stuff that you wouldn't necessarily think.

My mil used to make lasagne with cheese and then just leave cheese off a section at the end. The problem was the cheese would spread.....

You see, I don't see this as an example of it being hard to know what contains lactose for a non-allergy sufferer...

You only mention the cheese, but bechamel sauce (one of the layers of lasagne) is literally made of milk. It is basically impossible to make a lactose free lasagne with a normal recipe (unless maybe a vegan version, which is obviously not the case here).

To me, this is an example of your MIL just not bothering. She wanted lasagne, and she wasn't bothered that it was wholly unsuitable for you.

In my experience, the people who care will actually contact me and say, "I'm planning to make [recipe] - Can you eat this? Is this okay for your allergy?"

People who don't givea fuck will either just present me with food and then look askance when I ask what's in it, or they'll say "Oh, I made [recipe], but don't worry, I tried not to put any [allergen] in this corner of it". Which I inevitably have to decline.

If you've had some meals with them that have been fine, I'd suggest he needs to bring their focus to those meals. Compliment the food, say it was delicious, say how great it was that it was totally GF and didn't make it ill and request they make it again some time.

If you can get them to have a small list of acceptable meals that everyone is clear are 100% OK, that may tip the odds in your favour.

she promises everything down one side of the table is gluten free.

That a weird way of ensuring someone with a serious condition is provided with suitable food. Dis she have a dividing line down the middle?

Lots of people with coeliac disease in my family. It can be a bit of a pain when preparing family meals but manageable with a little thought

So in the example I gave, my DIL was at work and there were scones and jam put out.

She was given a gluten free section and told the knife was clean. It obviously wasn't clean enough.

To clarify:

I'm lactose intolerant. I think the hosts should cater for people who are intolerant to either lactose or gluten. I'm relatively easy to cater for as I just need to not eat it and I can tolerate small quantities.

Even then it's hard for other people as lactose is in a lot of stuff that you wouldn't necessarily think.

My mil used to make lasagne with cheese and then just leave cheese off a section at the end. The problem was the cheese would spread.....

I would expect his family to cater for him. We make all the meals gluten free when my daughter in law comes. Nonetheless, I've been tripped up by things I wasn't aware of - soy sauce, malt vinegar etc.

I now check labels very carefully.

She only eats at coeliac certified restaurants as the ones that have done food gluten free do tend to have some cross contamination.

I've been told that water and normal cleaning (so washing up liquid) is good enough to prevent cross contamination - and on plates that seems to be the case but it's so easy for a crumb to be left on a culander or sieve or edge of a knife.

As a person making the meal, the only way to be really sure is to use essentially a completely different set of pans, knives, etc that have never been used for gluten. That's expensive and hard to do. I mostly do that now.

So the only way he can be really really sure is to take his own food. I'm now divorced and I don't see mil anymore but that's what I did.

Exactly. It sounds like a buffet scenario? And yet he ate.

Yes, why would a coeliac use a dirty knife? She glutened herself by not checking the utensils she was using.

I have a different severe allergy, and would never re-use a knife (except in my own allergen-free kitchen).

People need to take responsibility for their own health, because noone else is going to do it. And if you choose to rely on someone else, you can be guaranteed they will forget at some point, because it's not them that suffers the consequences.