To be absolutely sick of DH's family poisoning him with gluten

I’d give it a week or two (so as not to arouse suspicion) and then send a message to all his family members saying that because of too many cases of cross contamination (make it sound like it happens in other areas too) he’s decided to only eat his own food when outside the home.

It sounds like they’re nice but they just don’t get it. There’s no point going in all heavy handed and making people feel guilty because it sounds like they try but they just aren’t very good at keeping his food ‘clean’.

So I’d just pretend it’s an issue across all areas of life and that ‘for now’ he’s just going to make it easy for everyone (and himself) and not eat food prepared outside the home.

I think it sad that your husband family won't make a concerted effort. He needs to stop going there particularly as he is type 1.

As you say his family is lovely and they are trying to make adjustments for his diet, well there is something that both he and you can do.

You could put together a list of ingredients that your DH absolutely cannot have, and things that have gluten in them that you wouldn't think would have gluten in them (such as the beer that was used as a base for the sauce I'm guessing). I'd laminate it or put it in a frame and get multiple copies so that relatives can have them on their wall and then there is zero excuse for them dropping the ball.

That is what I would do.

The whole family is very set in the "way things are". DH and I are constantly being given the cold shoulder because the second anything slips from what we ask his parents to do (and TBH, we're very relaxed, it's basically don't argue around DD) we stop going over (they never come here). Then we go back through the whole process of visiting for a couple of hours here and there and when she's behaved long enough, she's allowed to have DD while we aren't there. But in the last year we've had to go through this twice, because MIL just loves to lose her mind at DH for literally nothing. So at the moment, no visits for her til she apologises and proves she can not make the environment toxic.

Everyone else just accepts that that's how things are. It's just how she is. I don't understand it myself, but not my place. If my DD could be made unwell by something, MIL could be as nice as she liked, she'd never be unsupervised.

I'm a parent and am staggered that any parent would do what your mum has done.

Have these people never heard of google?

Voted YABU as he's an adult; it happens all the time according to your post so why doesn't he just refuse to eat there or take his own food? Yes they sound feckwits but you know that.

So she's happy to make her GD ill?

Why do the parents not stop it?

You're either coeliac or you're not. You can't have just a little bit of it or be coeliac to some degree.

Its a good thing autoimmune disease that can start at any time; it is not allergy.

It is common for it to be diagnosed in adults who previously haven't had the condition - not everyone has the condition as a child.

It is genetic so you are born with the genes that cause coeliac disease. It can then be triggered by anything from taking antibiotics, having another autoimmune disease, illness, stress etc.

Sadly, there are way too many misconceptions about coeliac disease, including 'having some degree of the condition' and this makes it more difficult for the person deinv with this condition.

My MIL doesn't believe in things like being dairy or gluten free. She is adamant it's a new "fad" and can't be doing with it. My niece needs to be dairy free and I can't tell you how many times she's given her chocolate, ice cream, cheese, cow's milk instead of the dairy free alternative.

Some people just refuse to accommodate it and play dumb. The only way is not to eat their food.

My friend's husband is coeliac. She says they have to take food for him and even his own utensils round when his family do meals because they don't seem to understand about contamination. Very selfish and annoying!

Same here. I had no idea that a lot of gravy granules etc contain gluten until gluten-intolerant SIL produced her own when having Sunday lunch at MIL's. And I didn't know about beer containing gluten, either, until someone mentioned it upthread and I checked.

Her partner doesn't eat any vegetables apart from potatoes, and won't eat fish or anything "foreign", which is why they've never been invited for a meal here. Trying to think of something they'd both eat is simply too taxing.

@Vancouver2024 Own brand yeast extracts are often OK. I use sainsbury own brand reduced salt yeast extract and that's GF.

I have a (thankfully mild!) peanut allergy and a girl at work made some cakes. I asked if they had peanuts in them because of my allergy, got told no.

Immediately after eating, my mouth and oesophagus felt like they were on fire - I was stood with someone who said to her (conversationally) "How did you make these?". She listed the ingredients... which included peanut butter 😩

The funny thing is that it still didn't dawn on her after she said "peanut butter" 😂

@Dippidydoppidydoo sadly, many people do not realise that even just using utensils between the dishes causes contamination enough to make someone quite ill!

Yes I agree.
There are lots of people who are well meaning when it comes to catering for my DS. But it's hard! There is a lot he can't have and making meals that are safe for him but still tasty is something that takes time to perfect and I don't expect people to be able to be able to cook something straight off that has taken me years to perfect. But some people do take offence if you suggest it can be tricky. DS is very long suffering and, bless him, over the years he's eaten without complaint some vile stuff that people have "made specially" for him because he knows they have made a lot of effort. But if we are unsure it is safe, no matter how much trouble someone has gone to then he doesn't eat it, full stop. I don't go out of my way to upset people but I always have and always will go out of my way to ensure my son's safety and have taught him to do the same.

My mother does this - she nearly killed me before I put a stop to it. I never eat near her. It is very odd - I know she loves me, but now we eat at home or take food.

We live with severe allergies, so while different, understand the implications of being served unsafe food. We carry epipens for context.

They don’t care. It’s that simple. If they cared about your DH they wouldn’t do this to them.

It is easy to avoid unsafe food when cooking yourself. Especially when it’s someone you love and care for. Yes it takes more time to think about it and read labels. But it’s not rocket science.

They clearly don’t take his diagnosis serious.

Your DH is an adult though - he needs to take control and say he won’t eat with them again.

OP I totally get this, especially how awkward it is to refuse something when someone has gone to the trouble of making it 'gluten free'. Obviously in an ideal world your DP would just not eat there like people are saying but equally it's not unreasonable for someone to want to join in family events and not have to bring their own food so I do think there may be some middle ground options before fully accepting he cannot eat their food if they are genuinely nice people willing to try.

Things I'd suggest:

Sit them down and have a good open chat about the long term effects of glutening and make sure they understand they are doing long term damage. In a nice, not guilty tripping way, it's just factual. It's him and them working to solve a problem, not him Vs them.

Check the ingredients they've used. I do this but say I'm sure it's fine but do you mind, it makes me feel better. Real friends don't mind and actually appreciate it. Ideally check with them before they start cooking. One of my friends likes to send me a photo of the ingredients before she starts cooking which I love.

Give them ideas of easy gf meals with the associated caveats e.g. risotto (check stock cubes), a roast (check gravy, no Yorkshires or better still gf yorkshires, no butter if the butter has crumbs in), roulade (just double check ingredients), most curries (just double check), rice noodle stir frys etc.

Offer to cook alongside them a few times to offer tips for not cross contaminating or ask if they'd like to cook with you.

If you are having, for example, pasta, ask if they are willing to all have gf. It tastes pretty much the same when hot (gross when cold) and in lots of places costs the same. No one ever notices if I cook gluten free pasta though not all brands are as good as each other. Sainsbury's own brand is great. But if they do one pan of each its a faff and the cross contamination risk is so much higher.

That may all seem like a lot to ask but if they genuinely care and want to learn it's really not. A lot of people on here saying it's a big ask to completely avoid cross contamination but I have friends that cook for me in their gluten-containing houses and my house actually has gluten in (I'm the only coeliac) and it's not that hard, it just needs open conversation and a willingness to learn. If anyone genuinely wants to best support their coeliac friends and family I'd suggest cooking naturally gluten free things (curries, meat, potatoes, rice, fruit etc), check ingredients for barley, wheat or rye (someone mentioned not knowing malt vinegar had gluten in but if they checked the ingredients it would have said barley) and if in doubt just ask the coeliac for their opinion.

Yes, they're caring, but they're not keeping him safe, are they?!
It'd be like my mum saying "whoops well there was only a little bit of egg in it" or I cracked an egg on that plate before serving up your dinner, that's alright, isn't it?!"
WTF would you keep doing that to yourself for, I'd be like "thanks but no thanks!"

Your husband presumably can speak up for himself and say no to any food that's prepared or made by them?

He can bring his own food to family meals if he can't trust them.

This
I have allergies, if I couldn't trust my parents not to give me food that was safe I wouldn't be eating there.
End of.

I’ve been labelled difficult in DHs family for pushing back about GF food.
Unfortunately my SIL is ‘gluten free’ for self diagnosed reasons, and she continues to eat loads of things that have gluten in them. Because she is ‘fine with them’ their theory is that DD with actual coeliac disease should eat them. It’s insane.
no one wants to choose to live and eat like this.

@horseyhorsey17 you are so right. I just think that people genuinely don’t understand that Coeliac is an auto immune disease and not just an intolerance/fad etc . Can honestly say that despite being a qualified nurse I was ignorant about Coeliacs until a few weeks ago when GD was diagnosed.

OP I really understand the massive game changer that a coeliac is. Mt 4 year old GD recently diagnosed and it is overwhelming. Cross contamination is so tricky to avoid and also identifying everything that had gluten in it . Only realised a couple of weeks ago that Marmite isn’t GF.

Mt daughter and partner have now gone GF to make it more manageable at home but out and about it is a minefield as to how cafe owners etc understand cross contamination.
We are worried about when she starts school in September. Granddaughter has already become really good about asking if any food she is offered has the GF green leaf picture,bless her. It’s for life which is the hard fact to comprehend 😢

I am a ceoliac.

This is not your problem.

It’s your husband’s problem.

I am a silent ceoliac ie I won’t get sick if I eat gluten but it creates auto immune issues for me (ceoliacs diagnosed by endoscopy).

But despite the fact I don’t get sick like your husband does… I would never repeatedly eat food where people have not made sure it’s gluten free.