Sadness over estranged relative

I have a brother I love very much who lives abroad. We do have a relationship that we are rebuilding due to childhood trauma (long and irrelevant story but for context and our relationship is now good). We have a large extended uk family that I am quite close to (and who are not related to the childhood trauma in any way). My brother also visits the UK regularly for work. Sometimes I see him and sometimes I don’t depending on both of our plans.

When I speak to my brother I will say things like we saw x relative the other week and they are doing so and so. Or y relative has just got engaged etc.

He has openly said to me that he has no interest in these people. Doesn’t understand why I bother with them etc and they are just strangers. He has a good support network and circle of friends and with the exception of me and my children, our parents and two aunts - he has no interest in knowing anybody else.

I share this story because if other people are reluctant to facilitate an introduction then it might be that this relative of yours has expressed similar feelings or thoughts.

By all means reach out to this relative. It will just eat away at you not knowing if you could have had a relationship or not. However be prepared for rejection and / or a loose and hard work relationship (which my brother and I did have for a while).

In terms of your wording of any opening communications. My thought would be keep it simple.

If he's the same age as OP, and OP has never met him, I doubt it was physical abuse unless he was a murderous hulk-sized child, roarrrr

More likely some kind of love child and the adults are ashamed at their own bad behaviour!

What did you do op?

It’s never too late! Just reach out x

As an adult you don't need parental permission or anyone else's permission to make contact. I assume the relative is fully aware of your connection?
I would send a message, just a lighthearted one, saying you would like to get to know this person. Give them option of connecting with you. They might not wish to but at least you can say you tried

I’m the child of an estranged father with a half sibling. I just wish I’d never tried, to be honest. Nothing good has come of it. I’m a married 29 year old with 2 (and one cooking) children and there’s so many parts of my life and their life that we will never know or understand. It’s weird that we’re meant to just brush this aside and try anyway. I think there’s always going to be a strange tension. I want them all to have a great life and I just don’t think I’ll be a part of that and I’ve come to terms with it, it is for the best. If you do contact your relative, think what you want to gain from it rather than blindly entering the relationship.

I would try and find out what the issues were but if they don't involve you directly I would try a cautious approach. My dm fell out with her sister about 15 years ago and doesn't want any contact. I know she wouldn't be happy for me to have contact so for an easy life I haven't bothered. My aunt moves around a lot so not that easy anyway but we are similar ages and my mum's issues have nothing to do with me.

It's very likely that there are a lot of skeletons in the closet that you don't know about. The people blocking the contact are scared of you finding out something, I'd guess.

I'd definitely contact this person directly, but prepare yourself for what might come out.

There's nothing to stop you initiating contact, but don't expect too much. The world is full of people you will never meet or have a meaningful relationship with.

I’d write saying how much you enjoy reading his blog. Hopefully get up a conversation via email, before asking if he would like to meet.

yes there’s no abuse in my family story but a divorce / second family and very acrimonious behaviour with nastiness etc and I’m not sure how the younger family feel about me or what they’ve been told about me and my mum 😥

The half-sibling is unlikely to be the abusive one. If OP has never known them, it's more likely to be her father's child with another woman who took the child and moved away.

Can you not ask your parents to explain there reasoning for not getting in touch is there something that happened that you should know about . Explain that you need to know all the detail as you are getting in touch. That way if there are skeletons in the cubboard they can warn you

Do you know why everyone has been so negative about the idea? Are they keeping some information from you? I'd want to know more before contacting them

How old are you? What is your relationship? If half brother which parent do you share? What is the risk to your existing family relationships if you do make contact with him?

I’d say make contact with him & introduce yourself & take it from there but be prepared that he may not want any relationship with you.
Set your expectations low & see what happens.

Hmm.

They may be trying to protect you.

Anyone can write about themselves and make themself look like an amazing person. Especially on social media or a blog.

Family members of mine who are estranged it's due to physical abuse.

Be careful.

Positive story - but I am always aware that this could have gone any which way so we have been lucky. During lockdown we started our family tree. DH was curious about his grandfather, who had split from his gran when his mum was just a child and 'disappeared'. We came up short on the ancestry sites so literally just googled their names and found a thread on another site by someone also looking for info on him. Long story short - DH has a older half DB who we had no idea about!! (MIL died many years ago and she never shared this with us.)

We made contact, all good, so did a family zoom, had a lovely chat and now DH and DB keep in touch regularly. DB and SIL flew over to meet us a few years ago, just as lovely in person and in a few weeks we are flying over to surprise him at his 60th party! It's the one thing, despite everything that life has thrown at us over the past few years that still really makes me smile when I think about it 😍

Actually, it can be a lot worse than that.

Op, why are your family members estranged from him? What's the backstory?

I have 4 half siblings who I have no contact with - I think about them often, especially the elder 2 who I spent time with as a child and my eldest half sister in particular as I have very strong and fond memories of her. I would respond very positively to any contact from any of them - I often think about reaching out but there was a lot of bad blood between the adults (parents generation) and I am scared to as I don’t know if they’ll respond with anger because of that.

I'd have thought there was some middle ground between contacting him despite everyone's hostility to the idea and forgetting about it altogether.

Depending on who this actually is to you, I would say you're entitled to more information about the estrangement, how/when/why it happened, whether it was to do with him or whether he's an innocent bystander etc.

There's a lot of estrangement in my family so I know how hard it is to press on in the face of stonewalling, but personally I would insist on more information before blundering on, in case the goal is to protect you and/or any dc of yours, for instance. I think if you make it clear you're going to go ahead in absence of a good reason not to, you might find people more forthcoming.

Personally, I think you're entitled to this information anyway.

Does the relative know that you exist? If so, does he have your contact details?

Be prepared for them not to want contact, so don’t raise your hopes too much.

they obviously have a reason for not contacting you over the years

Keep it short and simple;
''Hi X, its me Y. I've been following your blog, and would love a chance to meet and catch up. Here's my email, drop me a line if you'd like to keep in touch.''

She could have just kept the relationship description bland
But contacting a half brother is different to a cousin, so context helps