To ask do I tell my dd?

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 2024-06-09T20:44:13+00:00

So I have two adult dds (both mid twenties) Growing up the younger (later diagnosed with adhd) was full on. Always demanding attention , very noisy. In comparison dd1 was a dream child, wonderful with her younger sister, easy going, lovely. As she's got older dd2 has worked hard to manage her adhd and has grown up to be a lovely thoughtful person. She has massively calmed and is a patient person. Dd1 now carries a lot of resentment from being the easy one in childhood. She has become difficult, often demands things are done her way. Gets angry easily and will snap if you say something that offends her. She is very easily offended. I find I'm often having to bite my tongue around dd1 and just go along with her because I don't want the fall out. She can often be rude about my parenting, my personality (I have asd so a bit quirky) But she will often tell me I'm lucky she's the easy one . (She really isn't) Do I tell her I don't find her easy? Or keep biting my tongue?

FakeMiddleton · 10/06/2024 11:03

bbbsss · 09/06/2024 22:15

I think you are missing the point. I think you need to address her concerns.

Sit her down and tell her that you have recognized that she is really upset and has been very angry and resentful about the fact you prioritized the needs of her younger sibling. Tell her all the things you are going to do to make her feel special and important in the future so she can stop feeling resentful.

It's not too late but she doesn't need to hear that she is more difficult now.

Agree with this. You need to validate her experiences. Just think how her childhood felt to her...

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 10:45

@DoreenonTill8 yes I would say dd2 dictated a lot an example-

Mil brings a pink hula hoop and a purple hula hoop.

Dd2 "I want the pink one!!!"

Me "dd1 is it ok if dd2 has the pink one?"

Dd1?"yes I'll have purple"

If dd1 had been more opinionated it would have been harder definitely as there would have been squabbles. It's hard to know how I would have handled it.

Thereis a three year age gap tho so when dd1 was say 6 dd2 was 3 so would get more attention as need was different

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DoreenonTill8 · 10/06/2024 10:26

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 09:46

Thanks il have a look for that.

I know she got less attention but I also know I made sure she got 1:1 time, asked her her opinion. Didn't let dd2 dictate all the time. But she genuinely was so kind to her sister and always wanted what her sister wanted. At the time it never occurred to me she didn't mean it

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So did dd2 dictate a lot of the time? What would you/dd2 have done/reacted if dd1 wasn't as easy going and went along with everything dd2 had wanted?

Skybluepinky · 10/06/2024 10:17

Unfortunately u have caused it, u didn’t treat them equally so was a ticking time bomb.

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 10:16

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/06/2024 09:57

The dad thing sounds like it was hard for her too.

def try the 1:1 thing. It can be low key or nice surprises…

she probably knows she’s angry so i def wouldn’t say anything no matter how gently…

That's the thing I'm not sure if she does know. She will regularly say she's the easy one and go on about how difficult her sister is. She says she's a delight.

When she gets angry if you mention it she is instantly adamant she wasn't angry, wasn't shouting and it's all my (or her sisters fault)

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Getonwitit · 10/06/2024 10:13

Be honest with yourself, did DD1 childhood suffer because of DD2? Was everything done DD2 way, if DD1 wanted to stay at home and read but DD2 wanted to go to the park did you go to the park?
So many siblings have to get used to being the shadow because anything and everything is done to placate/faciiltate a SEN sibling.
You say DD2 is now a lovely thoughtful person, you must be so proud of her and rightly so but DD1 was a lovely quiet child in fact she was a "dream" child and maybe never felt good enough and now feels DD2 is seen as wonderful because she is calm and caring now.
Maybe it is time for DD1 to have some of the attention she craves, that same attention her sister has always had.

TemuSpecialBuy · 10/06/2024 09:57

The dad thing sounds like it was hard for her too.

def try the 1:1 thing. It can be low key or nice surprises…

she probably knows she’s angry so i def wouldn’t say anything no matter how gently…

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 09:46

ageratum1 · 10/06/2024 08:45

It's very normal for an offspring in their 20s or 30s to turn round and blame their parents for some imagined slight during their childhood. Often it is a hook to blame anything that's wrong in their life on.
There's a book called 'I'm okay, you're a brat' which deals with this very well.
You would know in your heart if you had avoidably short changed your daughter.

Thanks il have a look for that.

I know she got less attention but I also know I made sure she got 1:1 time, asked her her opinion. Didn't let dd2 dictate all the time. But she genuinely was so kind to her sister and always wanted what her sister wanted. At the time it never occurred to me she didn't mean it

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Wolfpa · 10/06/2024 09:17

I think you are being unfair here, when there is a NT child in the mix of a family it it not uncommon for the other children to be an unintentional afterthought.

get it out in the open, ask about her childhood. Clearing the air may help as long as you don’t take things too personally

ageratum1 · 10/06/2024 08:45

It's very normal for an offspring in their 20s or 30s to turn round and blame their parents for some imagined slight during their childhood. Often it is a hook to blame anything that's wrong in their life on.
There's a book called 'I'm okay, you're a brat' which deals with this very well.
You would know in your heart if you had avoidably short changed your daughter.

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 08:32

@DoreenonTill8

I never tell either they are a problem. But dd1 frequently tells dd2 how awful and selfish she was as a child.

Dd2 does have a disability that she's works hard to manage .

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Kit543 · 10/06/2024 08:30

DoreenonTill8 · 10/06/2024 07:58

if she seemed happy and content and you needed to focus more on your other child then I can’t see what the problem was.
Sorry that's absolutely awful, she may only have seemed happy and content but how would you know, if as you say you were much more focused on dd2? Did you ever spend time focused on dd1. Because it seems now she's talking about it that wasn't the case, and all that's happening is she's being invalidated and told she's a problem, while you're extolling how great dd2 is. Did you tell dd2 how much trouble and difficulty she caused as a child?

You can only go by what is apparent as a parent, it’s inevitable that a certain times you are having to be focussed more on one child or another bit that doesn’t mean you are ignoring your other child and can’t perceive their happiness. You just have to juggle the needs of your children the best you can. Sounds like you’ve jumped on the parent bashing bandwagon, yes some parents were rubbish but a parent focussing a bit more on another child while the other one seemed quite happy doesn’t justify criticism. If my adult DC came and said that to me I’d simply say sorry you felt that way but I cared for you all the best I could and do love you, be great to spend more time together if you like. Think it’s natural when you are young and inexperienced in life to expect everything to be all rosy and be quick to blame others

DoreenonTill8 · 10/06/2024 07:58

if she seemed happy and content and you needed to focus more on your other child then I can’t see what the problem was.
Sorry that's absolutely awful, she may only have seemed happy and content but how would you know, if as you say you were much more focused on dd2? Did you ever spend time focused on dd1. Because it seems now she's talking about it that wasn't the case, and all that's happening is she's being invalidated and told she's a problem, while you're extolling how great dd2 is. Did you tell dd2 how much trouble and difficulty she caused as a child?

Kit543 · 10/06/2024 07:52

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 07:47

This is kind of how I feel but just to let you know she's 25.

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My older kids are grown up too, even at 25 they are still developing/making sense of life (aren’t we all) and can go through funny phases, there’s alot online that encourages people to jump on a victim bandwagon. Current thing at the moment is the whole big sister responsibility thing, I’d just treat it the same as teenage issues. Love and reassurance to them that you do love them but don’t stress about it too much x

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 07:47

Kit543 · 10/06/2024 07:46

She is being unreasonable, if she seemed happy and content and you needed to focus more on your other child then I can’t see what the problem was. It’s quite normal for teenagers to go through difficult phases, I’d be patient with her, see it as a phase, reassure her you love her and there when she needs you, perhaps ask if she’d like more one to one time/attention from you now but certainly wouldn’t let her guilt trip you into believing you were an awful mother when you were clearly doing your best. Not fair on you and reinforcing her current grey eyed spectacles on her life wouldn’t be helpful to her either

This is kind of how I feel but just to let you know she's 25.

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Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 07:46

@sashh

Thank you

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Kit543 · 10/06/2024 07:46

She is being unreasonable, if she seemed happy and content and you needed to focus more on your other child then I can’t see what the problem was. It’s quite normal for teenagers to go through difficult phases, I’d be patient with her, see it as a phase, reassure her you love her and there when she needs you, perhaps ask if she’d like more one to one time/attention from you now but certainly wouldn’t let her guilt trip you into believing you were an awful mother when you were clearly doing your best. Not fair on you and reinforcing her current grey eyed spectacles on her life wouldn’t be helpful to her either

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 07:45

DoreenonTill8 · 10/06/2024 07:39

by we I meant the family so me, dd2 and her stepdad.
So do you, dd2 and their step dad talk together about how difficult you find her?
Any chance dd2 is feeding this back to her?

Definitely not as a group. I talk to dh about it and he agrees.

I don't talk to dd2 about it (for the reason you gave and to not put my stuff on her) but sometimes dd2 says stuff to me. I remain neutral but inwardly agree

I also do the same when dd1 talks to me about dd2

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DoreenonTill8 · 10/06/2024 07:39

by we I meant the family so me, dd2 and her stepdad.
So do you, dd2 and their step dad talk together about how difficult you find her?
Any chance dd2 is feeding this back to her?

sashh · 10/06/2024 07:35

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 04:03

@DoreenonTill8

Good points

To me it feels she's resentful when she reflects on her childhood rather than actually unhappy at the time. But if that's the case it may be due to realising now it was unfair but not realising at the time. (Because she was a child and it was all she knew)

I wouldn't shut either of them down now if they had an issue. I don't shut dd1 down when she talks about the past.

I just struggle with her anger and rudeness. It's like we all have to think about what we say around her to not set her off.

She was unhappy at the time. It's just that she didn't know any better or didn't think she deserved any attention.

I was the easy child, just because I didn't say anything at the time doesn't mean I didn't feel left out / second best.

I even said it was OK when my mum forgot to buy me any Xmas presents. And the time she forgot my birthday.

Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 07:33

The 1:1 time is a really good idea. We tend to do stuff as a three, we have always been a little team as we were just us for a long time.

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Original poster

andallyourevergonnabeismean · 10/06/2024 07:31

Dad practically not in the picture. Another unfortunate thing was that dd1 worshipped her dad growing up despite him letting her down. We split when they were quite young (2 and 4) but for a while he had them eow. He wasn't a great dad - loses temper, aggression, unreliable.

She realised in her teens her dad wasn't quite what she thought and I have supported her with that.

By we I meant the family so me, dd2 and her stepdad.
She gets angry the most with her boyfriend (I don't know how he feels about it)
She can be scathing of others but not to their face.

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TemuSpecialBuy · 10/06/2024 06:58

Shes most likely "angry and rude" because her needs werent met as a child. By your own admission you didnt meet them.
Where was their dad btw?

It would be interesting to know if the situations where she is like thisninvolve family plans ie her sister.

Im no psychologist but it might be worth doing more 1:1 time and more things alone with her. Ie give her some of the focus she missed out on

Edit: agree with others that through your writing style your other dd comes across as clear favourite

AprilShowerslastforHours · 10/06/2024 06:55

I was the ‘easy one’ right up til my late 30s, when there was a time I really needed my mum to prioritise me over my sibling. She didn’t. Despite me sobbing to her, and not for the first time about it, she couldn’t let me do what I wanted (basically put me first for once) and that “Might upset dd1”. The fact that I was upset being neither here nor there, as I was supposed to just get over it.

I’ve barely spoken to her since, and feel so much better for it.

Be careful.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/06/2024 06:53

It's like we all have to think about what we say around her to not set her off.
Who is the 'we' do you mean her and and dd2 and you talk about her and how difficult you find her? If so she will know and that will definitely breed more division and resentment.
From how you talk about them and their behavior it does come across you have a clear favourite with dd2s behaviours brushed away, but dd1s examined and criticised by the rest of the family.