AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

I'm disabled following an accident.

My teens also told me I was embarrassing.

For birthdays and Christmas I recommend getting him to write a list. Then you can be confident he'll like what you get him.

I understand why this hurt you so much but it is standard teen behaviour and it will help if you can detach from that.

Don't worry about it OP, it's standard. I saw this on FB last week and showed mine it and they laughed saying, yeah that's right. Sent it to other teen parents too and they all laughed at how relatable it is, especially 'breathe' 😂
https://www.facebook.com/reel/389273877449234?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

If it helps you feel any better, I’m also “embarrassing”. And I remember vividly how embarrassed I felt if I saw any or my school peers whilst out with my folks. I really do think it’s just a normal phase.
The books thing, again, anything parents like must automatically be uncool. My lad is 13 and is slowly starting to play the same music that was “cringe” and “old” to him a year or two ago. I still can’t recommend anything to him, he has to find it himself and decide if he likes it. It’s just part of growing up xx

Yabu to have being crying all day about this... literally ALL teens sat thus to their parents at some point. Please do not take this personally. He will look back and be ashamed about saying it.
Teens are so self conscious abd they get uptight about what the people around them are doing too.. it's a phase they go thru and they can't really help it. Of course you were right to tell him it was wrong to say.. but I wouldn't dwell on it to the extent I'd be crying all day.
He doesn't really mean it. It's just social anxiety that most teens go thru

She finds it amusing because it is. It's like a magnet behind me if I step to the right so does she..just like a baby duck...or maybe a shadow. Anywhere but next to me! I think it's so I don't try to talk to her in public but then I have to talk louder because she can't hear me mean mum!

My DSs both think their Dad is great, I won't say anything about this because its not in my children's best interests to be put in the middle of adult issues. Its also a well known defence method for children in a dangerous situation to side with the abuser. The safe parent cops all the shitty things, all the bad emotions because they're safe.

My XH says all sorts which upsets my DD. She said DS1 always agrees with him sometimes even starts the talk trashing me. I know DS1 loves me and I don't care what he feels he needs to say to stay in his Dad's good books. Im the safe parent and I will not put them in the middle even more then XH has done already. My DD is the eldest and to my greatest regret saw enough that she can't pretend the abuse never happened. I would much prefer she was clueless than having my tween carry that burden because I couldn't find a way out sooner. Its not better for them when they recognise and internalise the abuse and realise what their father's really like. If I could chose I would rather DD was more oblivious like her brother's.

You're taking that very personally, your taste differing from his doesn't make it awful, or him wanting more say as a soon to be teen doesn't mean your taste is awful either. My tween DD who I'm very close too has made it clear at times Im cringe, or using the wrong words, embarassing, and will no longer hug in public. It's them growing up and away which is very normal.

Having been through it with an abusive XH too, is it possible your DS is triggering you into those emotional response pattens you had with his father? I know I have to be much more careful with my DS and check my reactions because he parrots things XH tells them and looks a lot like his Dad, and was triggering that cycle of fear/anger/need to justify myself. Im having to give myself a moment, take a deep breath or three, recenter and make sure my response is reasonable before responding so I respond to DS and DS only.

I've properly caught up with the thread now and with what you said 'He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away'

How old was DS when he witnessed this?

There's nothing wrong with saying (calmly and factually) that what happened is the reason for 'the way I act in public that affects him. '

You're not asking him to take sides. You're still the mother he loves and still the mother who loves him - but you're stating the facts of the matter to explain the situation ........ and he's old enough to understand x

Tell him that you haven’t even begun to be embarrassing! Own it!

all three of my kids were mortified by me in their early teens. I remember my confusion when my eldest first walked on the opposite side of the road to me in case one of her friends saw me with her. However I can remember dying of embarrassment about my own parents. It’s really normal. I am not disabled and behaved pretty normally but they still cringed at everything I did. It’s a developmental stage so I’d assume your son is being a a near-teen rather than it being specifically about your disability. Mine all grew out of being embarrassed thank god as it is tiresome. I’m very sorry you’ve had such a shockingly awful time. Must be very hard to see your son liking his father when he’s a monster but try not to assume he will turn out to be the same as his dad just because he’s going through this stage.

Thanks all for your replies. He didn't say anything specific I did. I did ask for an example but he said he had none.

Then it seems like he was deliberately trying to needle you. Which may also be a teenage thing.

Tell him when he can tell you something specific you might think about it. But you're not going to go and live in a cave until he's 21.

Sorry about your injury OP - well done for getting so free of the man who caused it!

The rule is:
-as a teen your own parents are deeply embarrassing - uncool etc.

-Your friends' parents are cool - perfect and you are envious.
This is how life is as an average teen.

It would happen if the parent were perfect in every way.
It happens to celebrity parents and parents who are lauded and loved actors/singers/rock stars.

Yes -your teen will be embarrassed by you from here until he is a man.

It is his fate :)

(Remember all those times he embarrassed you - and try to enjoy this moment!)

The fact that he told you about his feelings suggests that you have been a particularly successful parent so far. He talks to you!

Your reaction should remind him that you are as human as he is (despite being the most uncool person in the whole wide world).

You are right to pull him up on his lack of tact and lack of insight. He will learn and be a better man for it.

Your ex caused your brain injury by abusing you? My God OP that is absolutely awful, I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Echo what other posters are saying about it being very normal for 12 year olds to be embarrassed by their parents, as their parents are always deeply uncool. But if he’s embarrassed by behaviour caused by your brain injury that’s a completely different matter. Your DS needs to understand that some people can be disabled in different ways, and that cannot be helped and is not a thing to be embarrassed about. He needs to be tolerant and accepting of other people’s differences.

And I don’t agree that you manipulated him. Sometimes people cry to show their emotions. This is not a bad thing, and your DS needs to learn about this too.

I’m not surprised you cried after all you’ve been through

You have completely imagined the 'using tears as a weapon' bollocks. Did you miss the bit in the OP about her having a brain injury, and that she suffered years of abuse from someone who would belittle her whenever she was upset? And then her subsequent post mentioning that it was the abuser who caused her brain injury?

Of course the OP is going to feel sensitive about her DS telling his disabled mother not embarrass him in public.

And no, she doesn't need to 'buy him what he wants' - what if he wants something she can't afford? Christmas and birthday presents shouldn't be something that a teenager demands. They can ask for something, which they may or may not receive.

OP, I think it would be good to sit him down and talk to him about what if feels like to be criticised as someone with a brain injury.

Honestly, if it's your speech he finds embarrassing, I'd remind him exactly why your speech is different.

People seem to be forgetting that you said that you have a brain injury that affects your speech, which may mean that this isn't just the usual teenage embarrassment.

I have no advice, I'm afraid. I am sure others will have.

Actually he doesn't say FFS, that was me, but you get the idea!

He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away.

I'm sorry that you went through that. But seriously, he witnessed that, knows that the abuse gave you brain damage, but thinks his dad is great?

Pretty sure it's his job at that age to find you embarrassing. My 8 year old loves me to bits but if I'm singing in the kitchen he will say FFS mum, stop it, the neighbours might hear you! Do you know what I do? Sing louder 😂 - because that is MY job! He has the right to think I'm cringe, I have the right to think he's a little boy who will one day think very differently. It's not a hill to die on and don't take the book thing personally, just realised he's 13 now and his tastes and wants are different to how they were 3/4 years ago. Honestly, just move on past it and don't be making it bigger than it needs to be.

It's your duty as a parent to be embarrassing to teenagers (and preteens). You have done nothing wrong. You are rocking it. (It's payback for when they 'embarrassed' you as a toddler

They get over it eventually.

He is asserting his independence. It must feel very hurtful but you've got to roll with it. He is not his father so you shouldn't make those comparisons. Why does he seem his father if he is abusive? Is it court mandated? Perfectly normal for a teenager to not want adult early 20C books for Christmas! Don't take it personally and make it about you.

Tell him it’s not your job to be and act exactly how he pleases, it’s your job to parent him and turn him into a decent human. It sounds like he’s hit a nerve. It wouldn’t bother me if my DC said this, it’s pretty normal.

Not sure if you are joking, but I think that’s a bit mean to say to your daughter! Though I appreciate deliberately embarrassing your children can be very tempting when they take umbrage at very minor things.

That jacket would have gone straight back if that happened to me

Hi. DS is actually 12. Yesterday he called me embarrassing and said it was the way I act in public that affect him. He asked me to change my behaviour. I told him firmly, but not shouting, that I don't think I do anything "embarrassing" and that I won't be changing my behaviour. He also asked me earlier to change what I get him for Christmas and birthday.

For the record I do have a brain injury that affects my speech but more of a too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way.

He's at the age that any small 'different' thing about his parents is going to be embarrassing to him. (in fact, anything about his parents will be just embarrassing 😂😂)
He may possibly find your too quiet, slow, hard to understand sort of way of speaking too difficult to verbalise and explain to his friends if any of them have picked up on it - because not all boys of that age have the vocabulary or confidence to explain the reason for it .... they just want to 'fit in'.

And, totally agree with PP that, at a certain age, it's your job as a responsible parent to embarrass your children at every opportunity 😎😎

But, you've done absolutely nothing wrong and your DS needs to learn this - sadly it takes a while for teenagers to learn that parents aren't as awful and embarrassing as they thought! 🙄😂😂

So, hang on in there, carry on being you - please don't take it to heart (even tho you are, because you're hating that you may have embarrassed your DC) - they will survive!

But it's important that you tell them that it's okay to tell people that someone who has a brain injury may speak more quietly and slowly. Sometimes, kids just need the know the words to use in a situation xx