AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

I think this is quite normal. My dd age 12 has said I am so embarrassing many times. Or Don't embarrass me in front of my friends etc. My ds does not say this yet and he is 10....but wondering if he will soon start. It could also depend on the dc. But it seems quite common to me.

So sorry you’re going through this op and your brain injury, that’s really horrific that your ds has to see the person that has put his mum through that.

I was thinking the same as @EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness , that him thinking his dad is great is a safety mechanism.

I can totally understand why your ds saying these things is triggering for you.

Id just say to him sorry you got upset and maybe make a joke that you must be doing something right as parents are meant to be embarrassing when you’re 12. I have a 12 yo ds and he’d be similar but I’d just make a joke or say “oh god, I know im soooo cringe…!” In a Kevin the teenager way. It lightens the mood and he laughs and realises he’s being slightly ridiculous.

Wtaf is happening in the courts of the UK that a child has to see his father, who was so severely abusive to their mother that he caused her a brain injury.

And what punishment did your ex get for causing you a brain injury, in what sounds like a long line of assaults?

I wouldn't be surprised, if along side typical teenage assholery, that some of his attitude is influenced by his father.

Men like him often continue abusing their ex in different ways.

Lots of great responses, OP, but just to add -
You sound very over-entangled with your son, which is understandable in the circumstances, but not good for either of you long-term.

This is not a reciprocal relationship. It's parent-child. He might be the centre of your world, but you are not the centre of his; being alive is, and he is growing up and away.

It's also not an adult-adult relationship, and yet you describe feeling and behaving as if a friend or partner had hurt you, not your kid. It's not his job to meet your emotional needs.

Unpack in counselling if you can, and try to gather an adult support network around you.

As a teenager I remember going through a phase of being embarrassed by my parents, but I actually didn't know why. I'd just ignore him. If he says it again, tell him you're glad he's brought it up, because you're finding him a bit embarrassing too! He'll soon stop saying it.

Oh OP, I've just read your other posts. I'm so sorry you went through that.

It's ok you cried in response to what your son said. Our children need to recognise eventually that mothers are not bullet proof.

But what he said is honestly very normal for a child his age. I doubt he meant to really hurt you (although no one knows where to stick the dagger quite like an adolescent).

Me too. My children are now really hard to embarrass, which is a useful life skill!!

Its my understanding that when your teen child calls you embarassing, then the classic response is to say "Then my job here is done"

I am a frantic book lover but really do not like to be bought books as they are really seldom the one that I am craving at the time.

neither of which means that he is allowed to be rude to you but from what you have said it sounds a bit 50 50 here. Does any of your brain injury affect your emotional responses?

Please see below.

Yes it is normal for teenagers. But if he did mean the OPs disability, then that's just horribly cruel, and 'being a teenager' doesn't make it OK. The fact he wouldn't say what meant, makes me think it may have been related to this (sorry) but the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't give any specific examples means he knows it was an awful thing to say.

I think I'd have just cheerfully said something along the lines of 'well if there's anything specific you want me to change infront of your friends just let me know', which puts the emphasis on him to actually say something reasonable (like that he'd rather walk somewhere by himself)

My mother always bought me classics which I never read.

If it helps (probably not) I've ended up buying them myself much later down the line.

He'll come back to you eventually.

I think it’s worth being careful what you give too much power to, especially with teenagers, as it’s likely to get thrown at you again further down the line.

OP, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this and your on-going difficulties from being attacked. There are wonderful therapists out there who can help you deal with what is a very tricky situation. Women's Aid could be a good first call.

I hope you find support for yourself to deal with the trauma and how to parent in a tricky situation, and potentially support for you DS too. We don't talk enough about the effect DV has on children.

I’m a constant embarrassment to my 16yo DS apparently . I talk to loudly, is his main complaint. So I whisper and that isn’t good enough either! You can’t win op.

He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great.

So your h caused your brain injury, yet your dd still has to see him? I'm so sorry. Did you take your ex to court?

This sounds so confusing for your ds. He will realise that he comes from both of you. He doesn't want to see his dad as bad, as that would mean he was half bad too... I wonder if that's it?

I think the comment your son made has made you think about your abusive partner so you reacted accordingly and got more upset than you otherwise would have done.

It was a comment made by a pre-teen, as a throw away type comment, it shouldn't upset you this much.

Just tell him next time that he's being rude or ignore it or play him at his own game and say something like 'but what about me, having to be seen out with you?' It's sooooo embarassing for me!' ....or something like that.

I don't think you have awful taste in presents by the way.

It's a faze, it will pass.

He’s not old enough yet to separate the damage that his father did to you and the general narrative that he’s grown up with, which is that dads are a parent and therefore great.

I would imagine it will come with time as he gets older and understands more.

You are understandably very sensitive around various areas and you sound like a wonderfully engaged mum who is just trying her best.

Given what you’ve been through, you probably feel very protective of your son and then when he rejects you like this, it’s painful because the thing you love most, it’s suddenly saying back off.

But it’s normal and he will come back to you in the future. They just have to go through this teenage oaf-like phase.

When children are young, we are their peer group and give them their identity. As they grow older, they grow away from their parents, and their peer group forms their identity insread. This is what’s starting to happen and it’s very normal.

your book choice sounds wonderful and I would keep buying him these kind of books along with some others of his choice! Can’t let him go to ruin completely 😆

I hope you’re okay, it’s really hard being a parent at times.

Seriously you should see how many fb reels there are in that vein, I think we all get it in the neck from teens. My singing and dancing is "embarrassing" and everything else, like saying "dinner is ready" is "so annoying" (13 and 15) 13 Yr old also has this specific noise he does like "URRRRRRRRRR" in his newly low pitched broken voice. I just mimic isn't back to him louder then he does it louder, on and on until he laughs cos he realises how ridiculous it is 😂

I get more conversation out of the cats and dog than I do them sometimes! Try not to take it to heart, as hard as it can be cos when you're having a bad day it can hit differently.

With your disability, don't feel bad if you have to go a little slower, or things take a little longer, if people have a problem with it that's on them, not you. You sound like you're doing a great job with your son and his behaviour isn't extreme or bad - you say in general he's a lovely boy, it's just typical for his age x

The embarrassment is there for a reason if you think about it. They need to find reasons to push us away so they can develop their own independence. Same reason they start to irritate us so we push them towards independence. I hardly buy dd anything as I just don’t know what she is going to like and it’s pointless wasting money. I just give her the money.

But it sounds as if you’ve had a really difficult time of things so I hope you have someone to talk to in real life. Perhaps seek out some professional support if you feel you need it.

Brace yourself because he is soon to be a teenager. They start being like that a lot more and suddenly we are wondering where our child went. It is very common and you need to ignore much of it. It is very upsetting of course. Any affection displays are cringey. They want independence and see you as a controlling person. There is nothing wrong for him to ask what he wants for Christmas and birthdays. Mine always asked for this since I remembered.

This behaviour is also to do with what the other peers at school are doing. Some of them are nicer than others but generally they want to be seen as older and need their space. It is a difficult period specially for a single parent with no one else to share the load.

There’s a reason that one of the most frequent lines in the Kevin the teenager sketch was “you’re so EMBARRASSING!” - pretty much all teenagers feel it and say it to their parents.

I have a close relationship with my teens, they’re good kids but they still tell me I’m embarrassing. I know I’m not actually doing anything embarrassing (eg quietly singing along, in tune, to the radio in the privacy of my own car with no one else there but me and my child) but it’s just something they can’t help but feel. I know I said it to my parents as well, looking back I’m sure they weren’t actually being embarrassing.

Try not to take it to heart, it’s so much more likely to be about him than about you. Also if he’s asked you to change what you get him for birthdays and Christmas then why not listen, unless it’s an unreasonable request like knives or something you fundamentally disagree agree with. Their tastes and interests change as they get older and we don’t always like or understand their choices.

What he said may have upset you but you have just dismissed how he feels and effectively told him to tolerate things that make him uncomfortable in order to satisfy other people. It's a recipe for being a people pleaser.

The conversation should be around his delivery. Trying to understand what he finds embarrassing and if it's things like telling him you love him as you wave him off then you can adjust that by saying you love him in private. If it's something related to your brain injury or something you cannot change then it's having a conversation about how it is out of your control and that in life he will meet many people that speak, walk, talk and act differently and whilst it might make us feel uncomfortable at first we need to sit with that uncomfort and that will allow us to become more accepting

All parents embarrass their teenagers, and yes let him by his own books.

Hes at that age where you’re no longer his mummy, you’re the one interfering in his life as he grows up (which is how all teens see it, regardless of how much you love them). Time to back off from him in public and let him do a bit of growing up on his own terms. It’s a hard lesson though