AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

All pre-teens think their parents are embarrassing. I think it is just a normal stage they go through. But it sounds like maybe something specific happened that made him feel embarrassed. Would be worth finding out what that was. I think it is important to keep lines of communication open. You don't want him to avoid sharing things with you because he is worried you might get upset x

@LadyVorkosigan you've just conjured up a picture of Grotbags doing the school run, thanks for cheering up my Monday 😃

OP. I think you should report the violence. You have been left with significant disability caused by a serious assault. The pandemic saw a huge increase in domestic violence and this has to be recognised and recorded.
I am so sorry your Ex got away with it and I would be very concerned about the influence he is allowed to have on your son.

👆I could have typed this word for word

It is a very typically tween / teen behaviour. That's not to say it's not really hurtful. Especially when they have visibly upset you and they don't properly apologise, but they haven't always developed the emotional intelligence yet to know how to handle it.

Try and remember it is more about the social pressure of their age than about what they really think or feel about you. This definitely started happening around Year 6/7 and I realised my son didn't want to be 'seen' walking in town with me. I did get it though as I remember going to the shops with my mum to do the food shop when I was about the same age and dreading being 'seen' by someone from school pulling our shopping trolley home, which let's face it was pretty uncool😆

I also gently reminded my son, that all the 'cool' people at school also live with parents. I acknowledged his feelings too & I told him I remember what it was like & I think that helped create a bit of an understnding between us about it - becoming a teenager is hard, they want to be seen as independent but of course they still need help along the way.

💐@TheQuickCat mum's don't always get the appreciation we deserve

@TheQuickCat - Oh lovey, he's 12. That's what happens with many many 12 year olds and you are probably letting this upset you more than it should because of your experience with his Dad and because of your Brain injury affecting your speech, which you are no doubt embarrassed about yourself.

It's a part of them growing up, I'm so sorry. A good few years when parents are not cool and are just embarrassing - doesn't matter what we do or who we are. My daughter was the worst of my two. Used to give me daggers looks when I did something absolutely normal but she didn't think I ought to be and would hiss at me to stop doing whatever it was!!

It's really, really hard, but he'll grow out of it again in a few years. In the meantime try not to let it upset you. Just know it's him and his age and not you. He couldn't come up with any specific reason either when you asked, so that kind of backs up what I am saying!!

Teenagers actually lack empathy, its a thing they loose and regain - research it and you'll find this is a thing. It may help you not take personally how your dc is behaving.

They are the next generation and need to shun the generations that have gone before them, thus them finding the previously generations embarrassing and old fashion.

Books are very personal and I find it difficult to receive books from others, as I possibly will not read them as not my thing. It's far better to get him to set up a wish list and get presents that he actually wants, either digitally or written on paper. Get him to put a range of smaller items and larger items you can pick from with brands if that is important to him. Explain you'll pick things from the list maybe three things and that he will not be getting the entire list. Also it stops wasting money.

As PP’s have said, many teenagers find their parents embarrassing, DS (15) finds me embarrassing. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you though, just that they’re a teenager and you’re a parental unit. 😂

I have to say I agree. My 13 year old DD often tells me I'm embarrassing. She even questions my clothes and asks how on earth I can go out dressed like that (I wear perfectly normal clothes!). Sometimes if I meet new friends of hers she says "Mum, please be normal. Don't embarrass me."
I've never thought to be offended by this. My reaction? I just laugh! I say something like "But it's a parent's job to embarrass their teenager!".
I find your behaviour of crying in front of him to be less than ideal. Ok, we can't help how we feel and sometimes crying is in voluntary but if I felt myself welling up I would have made sure he didn't see.
You need to brace yourself for the next few years. A lot worse will happen than some normal teenage embarrassment.

What most 12-year-olds fail to understand is that actually they are the ones who are embarrassing.

I agree with this.

You son has shared a healthy and normal part of his experience of you WITH YOU, and instead of being met with a willingness to listen and understand, with dialogue and compromise, you, as the adult in this situation, have gone into victim mode, overemotional and defensive, all perfect ways to ensure he never approaches you again. You need to do some work on yourself to be able to ride the next few years successfully.

He said something cruel and I reacted by crying

Jeez op, your kid told you you're embarrassing and this is your (over)reaction?

Buckle up, the teenage years are gonna be horrendous!

Op, first of all massive hugs. I guess you try so hard to do right by him, provide him with everything he needs and be the best parent you can be and then he calls you embarrassing for something that I can only assume is trivial. Especially if you are feeling insecure or raw that must have hurt. Young kids think you are amazing. Teenagers think you are full of shit and hopefully at some point they will turn around again and be able to appreciate the things you do well and to accept the times you messed up or still do.

My kids are still small but I know the day will come when they will find me embarrassing and honestly, there is a lot to be embarassed about. Right now they find me hilarious but soon they will find my goofy, slap stick and sometimes frankly odd or awkward behaviour cringe worthy and I'm not sure if I can change. A couple of years ago dd said she found IT embarrassing how I run next to her when we are late for school. Soon we will graduate from IT to YOU.

Like people have said it's a rite of passage. Teenagers or pre teens developmentally have to differentiate themselves from their parents and find a new place in society. This means in practice that everything we parents do is crap and everything their peers do is cool. It also means rhey are hypersensitive about anything that might make them less than super cool in the eyes of their peers. It's perfectly normal.

People have called you manipulative. I don't think you are. You were hurt and showed your emotions. That's fine. I think it's good for teens to learn that their words can cause hurt and thst parents are just humans. At the same time you want your teen to be able to tell you anything and everything even if it is about you..the ability to speak to you without worrying too much about the repercussions of speaking up will keep him safe. I didn't confide in my parents as much as I now wish I had because I was always worried about upsetting or stressing them. They were great parents. Very loving and dedicated but I always worried about their emotional state and I made some very bad decisions rather than speak to them openly and trust they would be able to handle it. So I don't think you should expect your teen to mince his words with you. Yes you don't want him to be hurtful or rude but at the same time you also don't want him to think that you are fragile or need protecting.

I'd speak to him again. Tell him you were upset because his words hurt you but also reiterate again that even if he think his words might hurt you you will get over it and and you do want him to talk to you openly. You can also say you will not change ajd he will have to suck it up (if that's what you believe) or why you talk or behave in the way you do and also maybe that you understand that all teens findtl their parents embarrassing. Or ask him what exactly it is and if it's something easy you can try to change it but.im.sure he will soon find something else to find embarrassing.

Basically do talk to him and allow him to talk to you. And the silver lining is that he feels close enough to you to be able to confide in you. That means that you are getting the important things right!!

Teenagers are always embarrassed by their parents, let it go, he didn't mean it personally I'm sure.

I don't think I've ever heard it quite this well put! I'll be taking this one with me!

He's a teenager. He's meant to findyour behaviour embarrassing. It's part of his move away from the family nest and into adulthood.

*remember

Simply having parents is embarrassing to teens because they are busily trying to convince themselves and all their friends that they are fully competent independent adults and living with their Mum breaks the illusion.

It is a universal part of breaking away from childhood and should not be taken personally!

12+ is a hard age. They are so intolerant and impatient. My DD is such a lovely girl but at times her attitude is appalling and I have to remind her that we are human beings. We had a chat this week about all of her actions, including what she says, having consequences. Sometimes these are unintended consequences, and that’s why we have to think before we do/say things.

It’s fine to be upset OP but try not to let it impact you so much. There will be other times when your DS says things that are insensitive. It’s fine to challenge him. I don’t accept it as being ok just because DD is a teenager. But there needs to be some acceptance from you that his world
is changing - while I have no doubt that you are still the most important person in his world, he has new situations to navigate, and all of a sudden lots of people he needs to make a good impression on.

And to be quite honest, I couldn’t care less if I embarrass my DD by just being myself when I am not doing anything awful.

As she would say to me - that’s her problem!!!

Oof. The context of this (your brain injury at the hands of his dad) makes it really hard and sensitive, I competent understand that. However, I think that a teenager finding a parent embarrassing and being casually cruel enough to bring it up in a blunt, harsh way is pretty normal teen behaviour (albeit deplorable and absolutely to be corrected!)

You've had a lot of good advice on here but just to add my personal two cents - when I look back now on some of the things I said to my lovely mum as a teenager I feel absolutely awful. Did she drive me insane and does she sometimes still? Absolutely. Did and do I occasionally think her behaviour is off the wall, and a bit rude? Yes. But with maturity comes a more and more overwhelming appreciation of the so very, very much she did for me and how much she truly loved me, as well as an understanding of just how difficult her circumstances were (different to yours, of course) and how incredibly she handled it.

As a side note, my mum also used to sometimes get very upset which was completely understandable but quite destabilising for me as a child - ideally you need your parents to be a strong, calm boundary to test and kick against.

If you possibly can, OP, I'd recommend growing a very thick skin where your teenager is concerned on the basis that of course you, as a grown woman, do not need or seek the approval of a teenage boy who knows next to nothing about the world, no matter how much you love him! I'd you can possibly detatch yourself from what he says about you, knowing that it had far more to do with him and his childhood development than with you, then you'll be able to approach it as a parent and correct his behaviour from the point of view of a parent teaching him how to behave for his own good rather than from a place of emotion born of the fact you're worried that maybe you really are embarrassing etc.

Adult to adult, there's always room for us to look at ourselves and consider if we could indeed do some things better but I try to remember that we can do this with kindness to ourselves as a pleasant personal improvement project rather than berating ourselves for not already being perfect!

I really feel for you and hope some of this is helpful. I'm far from perfect at this myself but I try to renege to be guided by it!

Stop taking it personally. It sounds like it's about you but it really isn't. It's about him and his insecurities. The teenage years are hard. Hear him out so that he knows he can tell you whatever is on his mind. It's going to get worse before it gets better.

I recall admiring a pair of hideous leopard skin stilettos and saying to my daughter I could wear them for Parents' Evening at her school, she was appalled. It most definitely wasn't that type of school!

Have you had family therapy for you and your child? If he remembers the attack, he has probably had to "forget"about it, or he wouldn't be able to cope with spending time with his dad who he loves, but who hurt his mum, who he loves.
Who can he talk to about those feelings, because now he is getting older he must be thinking about things differently.
He probably does feel embarrassed about how you move in public, but also feels guilty about that.
Maybe some thoughtless friends have made comments and he doesn't know how to deal with that. He needs some strategies so he knows what to say. Maybe he needs to be reminded that how you move is not your fault, but it's down to what his dad did to you that time. He might have dissociated the two things as a coping strategy, but he is old enough to confront it again now.
Does any of this ring bells? If you think it might be the case, then find someone for him to talk to. Or for you both to talk to.
It's such a lot for you both to deal with.