AIBU and emotional - teenager called me embarrassing

My sons fell over when I could sing the Queen lyrics. This was in the 90s. Fgs they were seventies. Same with Black Sabbath.

I never bought them books I thought they should read but books they suggested.

I trudged around clothing shops with them letting them choose what they wanted.

It was very sweet to discover how boys were so sensitive to fashion trends. I'd assumed it was only girls.

Otherwise I was told what computer game they just had to have and obeyed

I'm sorry to hear about the brain damage. I think teens have different apparatus in terms of how their brains deal with things, so he may be feeling huge confusion about his dad. I'm sure when he grows up that he will be enormously grateful to you and recognise what you've been through.

Re the embarrassment - completely normal I'm afraid, insulting though it is.

He witnessed the last incident of abuse (where I got the brain damage) but thinks his dad is great. I won't confront this out of fear I'll push him away.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry your son saw it.

Has your son had any trauma therapy? The memories may have been blocked out by him as a coping mechanism ....which would be entirely understandable.

I saw some parents on social media who turned this round on their child. Asked him to duck down when driving past someone they knew, told him to stay in the car at the supermarket in case they bumped into someone they knew, generally made a big deal out of not wanting to be seen with him. Only for one day, then at the end of the day, explained what they'd been doing and asked him how he felt about it.

I know it's a normal thing but it's also not an OK thing to let slide imo. Kids put parents through enough embarrassing moments themselves!

Since you're on page 8 I assume you've at least read the OP's posts. If you haven't I suggest you do so.

This is horrifying. He should be in prison.

I don't think it hurts to let your teenagers either know you're upset or that they've hurt you.

You need to be aware of his developing tastes and preferences and discuss purchases though

But if he's genuinely rude about any of it, then he needs pulling up

Yes and then get called ‘cringe’ even more for telling her it’s ‘cringeworthy’ 🤣

My mom strongly encouraged me to read "An American Tragedy" at about 13. It was a terrible read and I didn't even get halfway

I'm sorry you are going through this - but it is just a teen phase worse with boys I think. My son would refuse to be seen with me - if we had an appt he would go on ahead 5mins before I left. We used to joke about it.
I remember being 12 and my mum once got out of the car at school pick up time. She was about 33 and lovely and slender and very beautiful - I remember being mortified she was not fat and frumpy like the other mums...screamed at her to get back in the car and she was banned from getting out of the car again.

OP don’t stop with the books. Get him a book token and show him you respect his wish to choose his own reading material. Reading needs to be encouraged as too many young people are giving it up. Or get him a Kindle when they’re on special with an audible sub if you can afford it.
One needs to be a super confident person with few insecurities to Sally forth to secondary school events etc without worrying about one’s child’s reaction. Like most mothers I have had hurt feelings but we survive and our children pass through this and develop into more empathetic adults.
Hold your head high, you are a survivor and a good parent.

Oh this made me laugh. My mum was excruciating embarrassing. I think it was her breathing and how she blinked too.

He asked me to stop buying him books! Last Christmas I got him a copy of H.G Wells War Of The Worlds.

I can absolutely see why a 12-year-old wouldn't be tremendously thrilled with a classic Victorian novel for Christmas. It's not a difficult read, but it's really not (from the point of view of the average 12-year-old) a gripping page turner. I've read it, and it's a good read for an adult interested in Victorian literature and the early development of sci-fi, but I wouldn't say it has much in it that a 12-year-old will really identify with. Presumably he'd want to be choosing his own books and reading the sorts of things that his friends read, which is more likely to be stuff like The Hunger Games, the Alex Rider books etc. My friend's 13-year-old boy loves Terry Pratchett.

It's one of the rites of passage of our children that they find us parents embarrassing at points imo. But I'd have a conversation with him (without emotion if possible) about specifics, to see if there's anything you can change that wouldn't impact you greatly. Like don't wear your Beastie Boys t shirt and VW badge when you pick me up from school is ok, but changing whole swathes of your personality is not ok.

With regard to the present buying @TheQuickCat we also tend to give books at Christmas/birthdays, but dc have a wishlist shared with us (Google Keep) of books and/or favourite authors so we can be sure we're buying what they want, not what we feel they ought to read. Dc also get book tokens from relatives and enjoy trawling around book shops picking out things to spend them on (have found books/series that they wouldn't have known about had they not been introduced by Waterstones staff for instance).

In any other circumstances I'd say getting upset over this is silly. Many of us have said it to our parents, my 4 year old has said it to me.
But this is different. You've been through something traumatic. I bet the years before the brain damage weren't great either. Emotional abuse takes years to recover from. I used to think I'd rather be beaten than go through all this. You're worrying about getting in the way of people, like you're a burden. You're not.
Maybe consider counselling to help you specifically to help with the way the world sees you. Because all the bad things you think of yourself are not true.
DS will go through the usual thinking your cringe, denying a cuddle but he'll come running when he needs something!

The teen years are such a massive adjustment, my DS is 14 and some mornings it feels like I’m meeting a stranger in my kitchen and have to get to know him from scratch again.

I wouldn’t worry at all about crying in front of him, I think it helps kids to mature when they can see you’re a real person with feelings, and it helps them to have an authentic relationship with you and with their own feelings when they get to see that not all feelings are fun but they’re all ok and they’re not something to be ashamed of. My DS has definitely made me cry before by saying or doing something hurtful, can’t remember what, but the apology and repair conversations afterwards can be really important.

I also get that you’re sensitive about it too, I am also slightly disabled - I walk a bit funny - but I decided fuck it and now sometimes enjoy my new superpower of creating instant embarrassment by saying or doing something silly. I’m sorry for what his dad did to you, one day your DS and you will both see how incredibly strong you are.

I can't tell you how much this made me laugh 😂

OP I'm so sorry you've got harsh comments. You were clearly in a horrifically abusive relationship and your son's comments have triggered your deep trauma resulting from that. That's not your fault, and it's not your son's fault either.

It's ok and normal for him to think you're embarrassing, and it's ok for you to tell him what he said was hurtful. Be careful not to make him feel responsible for your feelings though. In order to feel safe and stable, kids need to know that their parents are a steady rock who can cope with their (the kids') big feelings and bad behaviour and help them through it. If you (very understandably) don't feel capable of being that steady rock or dealing with difficult feelings and behaviour, especially if it's triggering for you, then you would really benefit from some good therapy. Looking after yourself, learning to love yourself, would be the greatest thing you could do for your son and your relationship with him. Lots of love and good luck x